Regardless of post-mortem fall-out or complications, it is not the OP’s choice to inform the children; it is the father’s choice (and responsibility).
But the gigantic mess there was from the uncle mishandling the process. If Diosa had known earlier about her Grandma’s illness/death, I doubt she would have had any more luck dealing with her uncle about it.
In fact, she did know about the death years before she got sued. Are you saying she should have hired a lawyer to sort it out then, against her uncle, out of her pocket? How would that have been better than waiting until it actually looked like it might affect her (if it ever got to that point) then dealing with it as she did?
I am saying that, if there are multiple heirs, every single heir needs to protect their own interests, including finding out exactly what real estate is owned and what is owed on it. Real estate is, 99.9% of the time, the biggest hassle in the whole process, by far.
I only brought up that thread to point out, though, that the grown children we are discussing in this thread need to be aware of exactly what’s happening with the estate. They definitely can be sued if the father dies without the mortgage being paid off, foreclosed, or short-sold.
That’s not what we’re discussing here, though. Clearly the father has no problem with the OP contacting his children. Also, clearly the OP has no problem doing this himself. You’re talking hypotheticals that don’t apply here. I’m talking about the actual situation as it stands, you know?
Also, like I said before, a neutral 3rd party can often keep things from becoming overheated. it’s not necessarily the OP’s job to be a continual go-between, but he can definitely relay the basic info at hand.
I still see the biggest deal being the real estate, though. The father needs to make sure that’s squared away so his kids won’t get sued.
Sued by who?
Nobody. al lives in a fantasy world.
If the guy dies without settling the house it will revert back to the bank and go into foreclosure without the children ever having to worry about it
The bank. And the link I posted shows WHY the bank would sue. It happens.
I’d Pit you for giving bad advice, but I think you really just don’t get it. And I’m going to bother explaining why it’s bad advice, because the link I posted was enough.
According to your link, they can only be sued if they were co-signers of the mortgage. In Diosa’s case, that had to do with her moronic uncle fucking things up.
:rolleyes:
PIT me all you want, because you are the one giving bad advice. Your own link contradicts your point. No one can sue descendents or children of a deceased relative UNLESS the descendent or child co-signed a lease. IF the child or descendent is in no way financially involved with the deceased, they got crap to do with anything and can ignore the whole thing.
You can take your PIT threat and get out, because now you are just grasping at straws.
Anyone can sue you. The whole point is to avoid having to pay for a lawyer to defend against a baseless lawsuit. Here’s a clue–lawyers generally still charge you to defend against baseless lawsuits.. There is a little free legal help for the indigent, but I doubt the adult children would qualify.
So there’s potential cost and hassle.
But beside all that, IT’S STILL A DICK MOVE to let the old man die without telling his children. And that’s that.
Granted, anyone can sue for anything, but the likelihood the bank who owns the home will be so bold as to sue surviving children is highly unlikely.
Now your final point is valid. It is just a courteous thing to do. I just hope the OP is prepared to get jack squat in response.
I vote for staying out of it. My family is split by estrangement and it would be very destructive for an outsider to come in and break what we have fixed. The other estranged family situations I know about are typically for good reason.
Highly unlikely? I don’t have any statistics, but it’s definitely a hassle I’d want to avoid. Sitting around ignorant and waiting for the process server to come knocking is not my idea of a good time, however.
And why would the OP CARE what he gets in response? He knows it’s a volatile situation. It’s not like he’s expecting flowers and candy canes. He’s going in prepared. Whether he gets the cold shoulder, rage, bitterness, or whatever, he’s old enough to have dealt with rejection before, and there’s no way it would catch him off guard.
Hopefully the father recovers, and the whole thing becomes a moot point. However, the father has a responsibility to get rid of that mortgage, one way or another, before he dies.
It’s still not the OP’s place to do so.
No, it’s a dick move to get involved in someone else’s business. You (and the OP) have no idea why they don’t communicate and to try and get in the middle of that is just plain wrong. All the OP does is guess why they don’t talk anymore.
Nearly every case of estrangement I personally know about stems from physical or sexual abuse. The OP needs to stay out of it.
Except that they were in regular contact until the kids were out of college. Abuse is doubtful.
and nobody gives a fuck what you think, least of all me. Letting someone’s parent die without notifying them IS A DICK MOVE, end of story.
I don’t see how that makes abuse doubtful. Most people don’t completely cut off abusive family members until they are fully adult themselves. It’s a very difficult decision. And by it’s very nature, the abusive relationship tends to convince them that they don’t have the right or the power to enforce a separation.
Most of the poeple I know who have done it have been in their early 30’s. Then there are a few on the SDMB whose ages I have never known.
Do what you feel, based on the advice of faceless messageboard members, or not, but I would do nothing. You made contact with the daughter. She didn’t respond. That would be the end of it as far as far as I was concerned–unless he specifically asked you to make further contact. If he does die, either from the cancer (which doesn’t sound probably from the earlier post), or something else, the children will find out.
I’d be willing to bet that they probably know where he’s living already, that although he is not tech savvy, they probably are, and if they wanted to, could make contact any time they chose.
Can I speak as the daughter?
My mother and i were estranged, and she did not tell me she was dying of cancer. Another acquaintance told me the news.
I’ve always been grateful for them telling me. Because then I didn’t have to go through the rest of my life thinking “My mother was dying and I couldn’t even go to see her ONCE, because we are both selfish bitches who couldn’t get along for an afternoon.”
Instead, I was able to go see her, and my SO saw her, and then when she died, we went to the cremation. And my dad and I are repairing our relationship, slowly.
I don’t know if you should go behind your friend’s back and tell his children. I do know that death is permanent, and once the dad is dead, there is no going back, no fixing it. I lean towards suggesting to your friend first that he tell his children. Offer to do it for him. Gauge his reaction. If he’s not totally against it, I would let them know, informing them ONCE. If they want to come back, they can, but as it is the choice is being removed from them always.
And I speak as a child that was emotionally and mentally abused. It wasn’t about her anymore, it was about me, and the way I see myself. I don’t see myself as the kind of person that can’t go back and see my mother just one time when she is dying, and that was important to me.
But you say it’s a 70% chance of recovery. With that info, i actually say don’t tell them. Don’t tell them until the doctor says it’s pretty sure he’s going to die.