Really annoyed at my estranged terminally ill father

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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I am irrationally annoyed at my father right now and need to vent.

Backstory: my parents split up in 1980, when I was 9, and my father pretty soon after took off for parts unknown (these parts turned out later to be Pennsylvania, Georgia, Belize and a few other places). Thirty-two years later I barely know the guy. He has made no effort to establish or maintain any kind of relationship with me beyond birthday cards and the occasional cup of coffee when I am in the area where he lives. He also failed to pay court-ordered child support while he was gallivanting around the world in the 80s, so there’s that mark against him.

Anyway, he has been living with bladder cancer and kidney failure for the last 6 years, with dialysis three times a week and various treatments for his cancer. They recently told him his cancer is no longer treatable, so he decided to quit dialysis and enter hospice. Which is fine, I can respect his decision. Except he went a week without dialysis, decided he was too miserable and called an ambulance to take him to the hospital. He’s been dropped from hospice because he made the ambulance take him to a hospital in the next state over instead of one of the three nearby in his state where the hospice people could continue to help him.

He’s making life difficult for his sister, who has been trying to stay with him during hospice, and being argumentative with the doctors and nurses at the hospital My aunt hasn’t really said as much to me but I suspect she thinks I should be dealing with all this and coming to help out. I live a 7-hour drive away and barely know the guy. He lives in the boonies, I don’t own a car, so visiting him would cost $1000 each trip. I am not going to go play dutiful daughter to a guy I barely know.

I am frustrated and annoyed because I know my aunt would like some help (her 2 sisters washed their hands of my dad years ago) that I do not want to give. If she wants some money to help out, that I can do, but I’m not willing to do more than that. I’m even dreading cleaning out his grungy little house after he dies (intestate, because he knows all his property automatically goes to me anyway so he refuses to draw up a will even though it will make settling the estate sooooo much easier for me. I even offered to pay the $900 his lawyer wanted to draw up the will)

What I’d like here is, of course, loads of sympathy from everyone else who is estranged from or has a difficult relationship with a parent. :smiley: Yes, it’s valid to argue the other side, and I’m sure people will, but let’s face it I am probably going to stick my fingers in my ears and go “la la la I can’t hear you!!”

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He has had no consideration for you your entire life and he hasn’t changed. Other than donating sperm for your conception it doesn’t sound like he’s done anything to add to your life in any positive way. I think your willingness to help out financially is generous and that people who insist you “should” be reacting in a different way can go jump in a lake. (I might be projecting just a little there)

Don’t feel guilty is easy to say but maybe don’t let others make you feel guilty is easier. Anger is a perfectly reasonable response btw. It’s not just his actions but the loss of potential, particularly when you can see other relationships around you that (seem to) work.

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That’s what I need! :smiley:

I neglected to say that so far no one has said to me that I should be reacting differently. It’s just me projecting.

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I am always amazed when people say they are irrationally annoyed and turn out to be perfectly rationally annoyed. :smiley:

Here’s my complaint. I am in a similar situation with my dad - estranged for years and years until Mom died two years ago. Then we started reestablishing this relationship - except he asked me to keep some of his stuff.

Two years later this fucking stuff is still in my house. I WANT IT OUT. I want my sunroom back, it’s full of:

two HUGE suitcases
His old style HUGE TV
A HUGE printer still in box
his laptop
A flat screen TV
and I think one other thing

I don’t know how to tell him gently, It’s gotta go.

He also wants me to play dutiful daughter and I’m sorry Dad, but that ship has long since sailed. I am no one’s dutiful daughter anymore. Should have thought about that and stuck up for me more when Mom was coming down on me like a ton of bricks instead of being the silent partner.

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And it must be a constant daily reminder of him, which sucks.

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If I were you, Motorgirl, I would do the exact same thing. You don’t owe than man a thing.

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Motorgirl, a couple of years ago I was so pissed off at my mother’s assumptions that what’s mine is hers (my time, my effort, my money, my house…) that I consulted a lawyer about “what duties do adult children have towards their parents?”

I know the law is different for you, but in my case, it turned out that, according to Spanish law, what I owe my mother equals, exactly

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The law says that children owe to their parents “food and other necessaries to life”, inasmuch as it is not supplied by other sources (i.e., if the parent’s savings and earnings, government programs and other sources are enough to cover it, the child owes zilch), and they do not have to supply it in person. “It is the children’s choice whether to supply the parent with food directly or through the hiring of a caretaker, to supply it in the parent’s or the children’s house(s) or a third location the parent can reach easily; whether the parent stays in one place or moves around; it is not the parent’s choice”.

Why would you owe to your mother’s former husband, who left when you were 9, more than I owe my mother, who would like to never leave?

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Motorgirl, I’m so sorry for your situation. It sounds terrible. The bit about him being unwilling to even write a will really stood out to me as the height (depth?) of selfishness.

Re-reading your OP, it sounds like you are irrationally annoyed at your Aunt, not your Dad. It’s your Aunt who wants to you come and reduce her self-inflicted burden of Dad’s care. Do you feel like you owe your Aunt this duty? If not, I’d say it’s time to stop answering her calls.

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First of all, I’m moving to Spain.

OP, I understand exactly how you feel. I am estranged from both of my parents- my dad for being a sociopath, and my mom for being indifferent. A few years ago I struggled with what would be my obligations to them as they became elderly, and I came to the conclusion that becoming old and sick does not erase one’s history. You reap what you sow. Sucks for your aunt that she’s so burdened, but she’s making that choice, but you, too, are free to make choices, and they don’t have to be the same as hers.

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My grandfather is on palliative care. He has been in the hospital for 2(?) months now. He has also been a massive douche for the last 10 years at least. He has treated my mother like shit, disowned my wonderful uncle because said uncle is a Christian, ignored all of uncle’s children and the births of grandchildren, treated my sisters and me like redheaded step-grandchildren. His entire life for the last 10 years has been devoted to treating one of my cousins like she’s the most wonderful thing in the world and the rest of us are just baggage he’s stuck with.
So, when I got the news that he was dying and probably going to die any day now, I went up to see him with my mother and my uncle. We said our goodbyes. I attempted to make peace with him.

I found out the next day that he told my aunt (mentally and physically disabled) that the reason we didn’t stop in to see her was because she wasn’t dying. The real reason was that we made the 6 hour drive, visited with him for an hour, had a quick dinner and then made the 6 hour drive home. We didn’t have time to visit anyone else.
He also told my mother he was going to give her his car but refused to put it in his will, which leaves my mother having to battle for it (which she refuses to do). Comments have also been made that we’re only in it for the money (which I didn’t even know he had). All of us have made it clear that we don’t want a damn thing from him. This isn’t entirely true. I want some of his photos and his aloe plant.
So, I decided that I’ve had enough of his petty bullshit. He’s not losing his mind. There’s no dementia. He’s just a bitter old bastard who is spending his last few days making trouble for his family. I said my good-bye and I am done with that. I have no interest in seeing him again. I have somewhat happy memories of him from when I was a child and when I think of him after he’s gone, I’ll think of those times.

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I forgot to say:

I completely agree that what Motorgirl is feeling is completely rational and not travelling to take care of an absent father is a good decision. Going will only make life harder on you. I do feel bad for your aunt but not because you’re not going - just because she feels she has to take care of the old bastard. If their other two siblings washed their hands of him, does that mean he was just as much a PITA to her as he was to them and to the rest of his family? Does she think she owes him something or does she just have a martyr complex?

I will go out of my way to take care of my mother, step-father, sisters, my boyfriend’s parents, siblings, grandmother, my uncle and his family, and even my disabled aunt. But, I will not put my life on hold for a bastard of a grandfather or my own absent father (been a non-entity in my life since I was 3, even though he lives only an hour away).

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It’s time to put on your big girl panties and own up to your very righteous feelings. You are in no way, no how, obligated to step into his mess. The choice your Aunt has made, is hers to make. She may decide otherwise any time. She cannot guilt you, or force you, to making a choice you know isn’t right for you.

Script what you’re going to say; “Auntie, I want you to know, I have thought and reflected a great deal and find I feel no sense of obligation to my father. I won’t ask you to understand, that doesn’t matter to me. You do need to accept that I am comfortable with the choices I have made. You need to choose whatever is right for you, and count me out.” Practice it if you need to.

Then just speak sincerely and openly, authentically what you feel, it never fails to disorient the guilt purveyors!

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I am sure he was a giant PITA to them, as he was to my mom and apparently anyone else he’s ever lived with. My aunt is a pretty simple woman, and extremely good natured and just way too nice for her own good. I gather from things that she says that she feels an obligation to help him because she loves him. I think she’s constitutionally better suited to handle him than anyone else I know, because she seems to let things just roll off her. So if he’s driving her round the bend he must be pretty unlikable right now.

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I do feel like I owe my aunt the duty to support her in her efforts to help my dad, if that is what she chooses to do. That doesn’t mean coming to physically help, but it could mean sending her some money to help with gas, errands, etc, and should probably include listening to her vent. If that makes sense.

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Thanks, this is a great thing for me to practice. I’ve been frank with one of my cousins, but I know she’s not getting all judgy on me.

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Forgot to say: geez I hope my panties don’t get any bigger!

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I was right there with you until I started seeing sentences that began with “You need to…” No. You don’t need to tell anybody else what they need. That’s the whole point of trying to shake off the tendrils of guilt from not helping the aunt in the first place. Don’t undermine yourself by telling your aunt what she needs to do. That kind of language really gets my back up because we’re not talking about needs, we’re talking about wants, wishes, desires. Use of the phrase “you need to,” to me, screams “controlling.”

Further, it doesn’t seem like the aunt is really asking. I think the OP is just feeling a little guilty. The aunt has made this choice all on her own. She could have washed her hands like everyone else and then the OP’s dad would only be driving his caretakers crazy, but they’d put up with it because they’re getting paid. Personally, I wouldn’t address it at all unless the aunt comes right out and asks, “Why aren’t you helping me with your father?” And then I would be super blunt, “Because he gave no thought, consideration or effort toward me when I was young and needed him. I don’t owe him a thing and neither do you. Good luck with that.” And dip out. No apologies, no equivocating, no hedging, no wishy washy language. Clear, honest, and up front.

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So send her flowers with a couple of gift cards and talk about what a wonderful person she is, for all that she does for others. Leave your dad completely out of it.

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Motorgirl, I’m sorry to hear of your situation. Sounds like no matter what you do, you’re going to have some stress and misery in your life from this. I don’t envy you. {{HUGS!}} if that helps.

If this is what you choose to do, then go for it. But given how you’ve described your dad, I would think that this level of support would be completely optional, and up to you and you alone.

The only caveat I can think of here is that what you do here will affect the relationship you have afterwards with your aunt. If you want to be on good terms with her after all of this, consider at least some long-distance support a la phone calls to let her rant, cash for driving and whatever expenses she has while helping her brother, etc. You may have to set some limits early on here about what she can and can’t nag you about, if that starts to happen. Think about that now, figure out what you want to say, and put it out there right away if/when you need it. It might take a couple of times to make it stick, so keep at it.

One other topic of advice: dealing with his estate is going to be a hassle. (You don’t mention siblings, I think, so I assume that you are the only child here) My mother died just over a year ago, and I’m still dealing with it for my siblings. And while she didn’t have a lot, she did create a trust that simplified things a lot for us kids. She lived in the same state as me, about 3 hours away. You don’t sound that lucky. If your father is intestate and in another state, consider hiring a lawyer to deal with all of it for you, assuming that the estate is enough to cover the costs. If not, it could turn into yet one last time for the old man to hassle you from beyond the grave. Maybe you could just send a letter to the local probate court, telling them you want nothing to do with the property, and they can deal with it as their local law allows? Again, that’s something that a lawyer would advise you on. You might start looking around now for recommendations and prices and such - sounds like you’re going to need one.

One hears stories of relatives descending on the deceased person’s house and picking it clean. In your case, it might be a blessing. If you have to clean and toss and sort through and in general muck around through all of his stuff, having someone else do it might be handy. If nothing else, just get a big dumpster delivered, and wear a path through his yard hauling his stuff to the trash.

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Motorgirl, how is it possible for you will get everything after your Dad dies, if there is no will.