My dad's going to die soon.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Last month my Dad, who had been traveling around for a couple of years in his motorhome, told me he’d had a little mini-stroke and was in the hospital for a day or so, but he said he was fine. He also apparenty had an ulcer, but they’d treated that as well. I talked to him a few times over the last month or so and he seemed fine–said he was a little tired and his leg hurt, and he was going to go see the doctor about it.

Next thing I know, my cousin is calling me to tell me he’s in the hospital. That was last week. Apparently they found a tumor in his stomach. Yikes. I couldn’t get down there yet due to work (I live about 5 hours away) but I called him every day. He stayed overnight in the hospital and came home. I asked him if he wanted me to come down, and said I could come next week unless he wanted me there sooner. He said no, he was fine, and next week is good.

Then my cousin calls me again on Saturday–apparently he’s had another incident of weakness/dizziness and he was in the hospital again. I got different stories from my aunt (who’s now at the house) and my dad’s friend (who tends to be alarmist) implying that I’d better get down there right away. So I pack up and head down on Sunday. He’s supposed to get a PET scan, but that’s an outpatient procedure and they won’t release him because he’s still bleeding and getting blood (which was fine–he felt lousy and didn’t want to go anyway).

Anyway, long story short, they did a CAT scan today and he’s got stomach cancer (they knew that) but it’s pretty far along and it’s spread. The blood they’re giving him is barely keeping ahead of the bleeding, and surgery really isn’t an option. Depending on how he fares (he doesn’t want them to keep giving him blood, since it’s just staving off the inevitable), he’s got anywhere from a few days to a few weeks left.

Yikes.

I’m an only child. I knew this was coming, but you never expect it. Before long I’m going to have to deal with losing my dad, selling his house and motorhome, handling arrangements, cleaning out a house that’s got accumulations of stuff since 1961, and generally just handing the situation. My aunt and cousin and Dad’s friends are helping, but ultimately it’s going to fall to me. And I really have no idea what I’m doing.

I’m staying down here until the end of the week, and then I need to go back home. His care team is going to find a facility for him to stay in since he can’t be home on his own and none of the relatives are local or able to provide that kind of care. The doctor on the palliative care team told me it was best to stay for a while now (I was originally going to head back tomorrow when I didn’t know it was this serious) than to hang around at the end. He said there was no reason to feel guilty about that, but I still do.

I had to do something similar with my mom two years ago, but I didn’t have the responsibility then, since my dad was there to handle it. This time it’s all me. And that scares the hell out of me. Any advice from folks who’ve dealt with this (especially from a distance) would be appreciated.

2

No advice, but you have all my sympathy. I’m so sorry.

3

Assuming your family doesn’t have a support system to help you with the paperwork and give you time to spend with your dad, which would you, an only child, prioritize? I’m sorry for your father. Had I been more collected when our father lay dying, I would have tried to dig into my memory and look where I disappointed him the most. Then I’d find a way to make up for it. In my case, I lost his precious old model case pen knife which he carried for years. I would have bought him a replacement but I didn’t.

And he has to hear you say “Thanks Dad” a few times before he goes.

4

That’s shit, my dad died a few years ago and although I am 47 it was the most traumatic time of my life. Sorry mate it is going to hurt like hell for quite a while but hang in there and find a couple of mates you can talk to.

Oh and remember to tell him you love him, you will be thankful later on.

5

I am so sorry to read about your Dad.
I will be in your situation when my mothers time comes.
Just ask your cousin, aunt to rally around you and help you.
Are you and your father any part of a religious community?
Try to spend more time with your dad either in person or on the phone asking
For his wishes and important info you will need to make material closure.

I am an only too, as is my young child.
I can’t imagine this will be easy.
prayers and thoughts for you and your father.

6

I send you my sympathy, as well. Please take care of yourself.

7

This is a tough time, and if I, a stranger on the internet, offer words of sympathy–well, it won’t reallly help you. You have your family for that, and you are lucky that they are there with you.
Share with them, and draw as much strength from them as you can.

When it happened to me, I had a couple months to “get used” to the idea that death was coming, and even that doesn’t ease the pain. When it happens suddenly, it is even more of a shock.
Now for some practical advice:

For the funeral…start making a list of people to contact. How many of his casual friends can you identify by their last names, and where will you find their phone numbers? Even your relatives–the more distant ones who you only see once every couple years–do you have phone numbers for them? Are there elderly people who he was once close to, but now, are less independent, maybe live in old age homes and have less contact with him, but you will want to notify?

Do you know where the legal papers in your dad’s house are located?(property deed, bank info, etc) Does he have a will? Do you know which bank(s)s he uses?. Does he own stocks, have a stock broker?

Is your father lucid and alert?–If so, you may want to ask him some questions like this. Sure, it hurts, it seems callous, and you will feel embarrassed to ask crude questions at an emotionally sensitive time. Don’t ask for details like account numbers, but do try to find out in general what institutions he uses, so you will know where to go asks for more information. .

Good luck. Everybody goes through this…and nobody is good at it.
Be strong.

8

Thanks for the advice and the good wishes, all. Yeah, I’ll get through it. It’s mostly the long-distance aspect of it that scares me, since it’s not practical for me to stay down here or to commute back and forth. I’ll need to do a lot of it by phone.

chappachula, fortunately my dad is nothing if not organized. Years ago he gave me a packet of papers containing his last wishes, info on his funeral details (which he prepaid), a copy of his will and his medical directives, and even his obituary (which he wrote himself). I have the info about his bank (he put the accounts in both our names), the house, and the motorhome. It won’t be easy to navigate it all, but it’ll be easier than if he didn’t do anything.

I feel like a ghoul as I think about starting to box up some of the stuff at the house–there’s so much here and it’s going to take ages to go through it all. I’m sure that I don’t want 99% of it–just a few sentimental items. But he’s still alive, so thinking about it now seems…wrong. Even though I’m here now and I probably won’t be back for a while (I’m sure he won’t be back to the house–he’ll go directly from the hospital to the care facility). I want to take the things I want and let my aunt do the same before she heads back home, and then box up the rest and sort it out later when I have more time. I was thinking I might rent a storage locker and put it there for now.

That sounds so…clinical. Our whole family has always been good at keeping a stiff upper lip in times of crisis, but…I just don’t think it’s sunk in yet. Just like with my mother a couple of years ago. But at least this time I have some time to talk to my dad while he still knows who I am.

9

Take it easy and best wishes for you and your family.

10

I’m so sorry to hear this. Handling a relative’s death emotionally is bad enough, but having to deal with the disposal of the property is yet another burden. My advice, since I am going through this, is to get a lawyer. And ask for help. Ask your aunt and cousin, if nothing else for moral support.

11

This in spades from me, too. Especially the last part. It’ll make it a bit easier when it all finally hits home.

12

I’m an only child - my father died in 2008 (my mother bore most of the burden of that, though I did devote a year or more of my life to getting the insurance company to pay his medical bills) and my mother died in July 2013. I live in Jakarta, Indonesia, and my mother died in Grinnell, Iowa. So I also dealt with distance issues.

I’m sure everyone’s experience is different, but … if there is ever a time when it sucks to be an only, this is it. You have all my sympathy and support. Take heart, though; it probably won’t be as daunting to cope with as it seems.

I’m not sure I have a lot of advice to offer, except to say that: after he dies, it’s okay to take time settling matters. I was horrified at the enormity of settling my mother’s estate; I guess I thought I had to finish everything IMMEDIATELY. There were some practical matters that had to be addressed within hours or days of her death: organ donation (yup, old people are apparently great skin donors!), cleaning out her personal effects, burial/cremation, canceling Social Security and credit cards. Fortunately, it’s not as hard as it sounds, because the world is set up to deal with these matters. Find a nearby Goodwill/Salvation Army outlet, find out what they will take, and plan to send his useable stuff there.

If there are other matters - closing bank accounts, for example - you shouldn’t feel pressured to deal with that NOW! NOW! NOW! Tell the bank, insurance company, etc., that your father has passed away, and take notes on what they tell you to do. But most of these items will keep for a few weeks or even months. In fact, I was not allowed to close my mother’s bank account until 40 days after she died.

Order up about 5 copies of his death certificate. You may or may not need all of them, but you never know. Certain tasks can only be completed with an ORIGINAL death certificate.

Figure out where his mail is going to be forwarded and visit the post office to arrange this. You may need a copy of the death certificate to convince the USPS that you can authorize a new address.

That’s all I can think of at the moment; I may post again if I think of more advice.

13

I’m so sorry, this is terrible news to get. :frowning:

Make sure to get a bunch of original copies of the death certificate. Like 20 or so (not that you will likely need that many, but it’s better than not having enough). It will greatly simplify the process of getting any insurance, credit cards, and mortgage/tax payments out of his name.

Talk to your employer about bereavement leave. Since you live so far away, you’ll need time off to deal with everything. Don’t worry about personally going through every last little thing in the house. It will be easier if you can hire a company to help you with the cleanup. Go through and designate things that you want to save (or that he specifically earmarked as gifts in the will). Throw out the rest (or donate if it’s reusable in good condition). If you have it put into a storage unit, that’s just another expense. And most people don’t really do well with that kind of thing hanging over their head for weeks/months/years.

I wish you the best in this difficult time. :frowning:

14

All my sympathy! Tell him you love him and everything else you might want to say. Praying for you! All the best.

15

Today was pretty hard. Those Hospice people move fast–they’re very nice and very efficient. They arranged for a bed in a small 10-bed facility where he can get 24 hour care. It’s a little farther than I hoped, but it’s closer to where his local friend lives so there’s that.

I don’t think he’s got long. :frowning: In the space of time from this morning when we saw him to late this afternoon when he arrived at the facility and they settled him in, he’s gotten less coherent (though still somewhat lucid) and he’s got a yellow look to him that wasn’t there before. It’s the way my mom looked shortly before she died. They told me they discovered that the cancer has probably spread to his liver too.

So I spent the day touring the care facility with my aunt and filling out what felt like more paperwork than I had to sign when I bought my house. It feels so strange, filling out stuff about your dad’s medical history, and what kinds of measures he wants to prolong his life (none–he’s said so many times for many years…he just wants to be as comfortable as possible. Bring on the good drugs.)

Fortunately, Medicare will cover the whole thing (this is not a cheap facility) and fortunately too, Dad was meticulous about his financial records. When the time comes it isn’t going to be easy (especially not long-distance) but it will be a lot easier than if he didn’t keep good records.

I never had to be the grownup before, really. This is hard and I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. But people do this, and I will do it.

It sucks, though.

I told him I loved him today. He cried. My dad never cries. The only other time was when my mom was facing the same thing.

Merry Christmas. :confused:

16

Merry Christmas to you Infovore. Makes it hard when its at hols I know.

If its any consolation to you, telling him you love him is absolutely the best gift you can give him, as much as you dislike seeing him cry. The only thing I ever regret is not spending enough time with my parents when they were getting older and needed to hear me say that. You’re a good son. :slight_smile:

17

I’m a daughter, actually. :slight_smile: And not as good as I should be. But things are as they are, I guess.

18

I had to do this long distance too, as an only child also. I second what CairoCarol said about not thinking you have to do everything right now. Stuff will wait. And use your family as much as you can. You can get through this. I know what you mean about having to be a grown-up, but hey, it’s ok; you can do it. It’s good that he’s organized, too; that will help.

My mom died two days before Christmas. I never liked the holiday a whole lot before, but ever since (this was 1998) I just try to toughen myself to get through December somehow. So don’t be surprised if your attitude toward the holidays is forever changed. And let yourself be miserable if you need to. Someone was trying to tell me the other day that I should not keep on being so sad at losing my mom, and I said bullshit! What sort of tribute to mom would it be if I just got over it? To me the fact that I tear up when thinking of either of my parents is a tribute to them for having been awesome people! Sorry to carry on about me, but seriously, let yourself grieve; now and later. And good for telling him you love him. Tell him that a lot. And do not beat up on yourself because you can’t be there 24/7. You can only do what you can do.

19

((Infovore))

20

I wasn’t originally an only child, but my sister died in 2007. My mom died in 2009 and my dad in 2012. My parents were divorced, so when each of them died the burden fell on just me.

My only advice right now is:

  • don’t do anything permanent like take stuff home or get rid of it, but certainly organizing things in his house might help you feel like you’re accomplishing something, and prepping for later
  • you will need legal advice for settling the estate since he has real property - vehicle(s) and house. unless he has truly valuable antiques the government cares only about real property.
  • keep a notebook in your pocket or bag and jot down any and all questions or ideas or tasks that occur to you. It will help you feel less of a mental burden if you don’t have to remember things because you wrote them down. You can look at the list after he’s gone.