I’m so sorry, **Infovore **- you’re in my thoughts. Be good to yourself, and spoil him rotten (if you can) in the time he has left.
My sincere condolences. I know how hard this is. My recommendation is to go talk to the funeral home and get everything arranged now, rather than scrambling at the time of his death.
Where I live, it’s not unusual for the heirs to have an estate auction to help get rid of stuff. The auction company will box up anything you don’t want and although you probably won’t get a lot for it, at least it’s gone. It’s amazing what people will buy, and the good thing is, they remove it. Here’s an example. I’ve lived other places where auctions aren’t as common.
Do keep the bank account open for several months to a year. Even three years after my mother died, we’d still occasionally get small check (> $10, < $100) from companies closing inactive accounts that we didn’t know she had. In fact, it’s been 5 years since Mother died and we were just notified that she’d had a funeral policy that would pay $6000, we just had to proof her funeral had been paid for, otherwise the money would go to the funeral home. 5 years later!
Again, my condolences at such a hard time. Take advantage of any help your extended family offers.
StG
Sending good thoughts your way.
No new word on my dad yet.
I had to go thru this with mom in 2008 and dad in 2011. I can tell you all the advice you are getting here is very good; I do not really have anything to add in terms of logistics, etc.
One thing I will say, in addition to telling him you love him, also tell him I am going to be OK. I think my mom was holding on too long, and she passed the day after I told her that.
My sympathies. I hope things go as well as possible.
Sending my sympathies. My mother died in utter debt with no assets at all, so I can’t say much about closing off the estate. I have an older sister, but at the time our mother died, I was 24 and lived about 200 miles from our mother, and she lived about 1500 miles away with four young children at home, so I ended up taking care of the few things that were left.
What really helped was being so busy I didn’t have time to mourn for a week or two. Those are the times that aren’t quite so easy.
Be strong, and take care of yourself along the way. There’s no easy (or right) way to go through this.
can’t imagine what it’s like, do take care.
If anything is in safe deposit boxes, get a Power of Attorney and get it out NOW.
Once he dies, whatever is in there will stay until the estate is settled.
Obviously, if his will is in a such a place, probate will be a bitch.
Does he have an attorney? If so, get acquainted - it sounds like you will need to do qite a bit of this long-distance.
Best wishes, and deepest sympathies.
Folks: this is why you do not name a loved one a Executor/trix - it is not a fun job.
And get a living trust set up so your estate passes directly to your beneficiary without probate (and probate taxes).
Also, for those looking on here, set-up (or have your loved one set-up) all investment accounts as TOD (Transfer On Death). This will keep those assets out of probate as well, if they are not already part of a Trust.
Damn, Infovore, I am so sorry. I’m glad to hear he’s being well looked-after at the hospice, at least. Wishing you and the rest of your family strength to get through this.
Thanks again for the good wishes and the good ideas. I’m keeping a little notebook with ideas and things to jog my memory.
A whole bunch of his friends and our relatives came to visit him today–I think he got a little overwhelmed, but I know he was happy to see them all. And several of them remarked that they’d seen other care facilities and this was the nicest they’d seen. So at least there’s that–I don’t have to feel guilty about not picking a good enough place for him. The staff and hospice people are either the world’s greatest actors or they’re extremely nice–I’m going with the latter. I think I will take them a big box of candy tomorrow as a thankyou for taking such good care of him.
I can tell he’s fading–he’s pale, has very little energy, and his memory is getting bad. But he was able to chat with us some and even laugh a little. And he ate the ice cream I brought him and enjoyed it (he has nearly no appetite, so getting him to eat anything is hard).
I’m only here for two more days–I have to go back home on Sunday, and I feel guilty about it (but I really do need to go, since I can’t work from here). At the rate things are going he might not even know me by then. I don’t know.
I don’t think we ever are=there’s always guilt and something we could’ve done better.
I’m so sorry, Infovore. I’m an only child, too, and while I haven’t been in your position (yet), I can empathize with what it’s like.
A friend of mine is a hospice nurse, and she’s one of the most caring and kind people I’ve ever known. The co-workers at her facility are also giving and compassionate. My take-away has been that it takes very special humans to do that job. I don’t think what you’ve seen is an act.
first things first. Take care of your father. Tell him you love him while he can still comprehend it. If he’s lost his appetite he’ll still be thirsty but may not be able to swallow much. Freeze a sport drink and shave it into ice chips with a snow cone machine. If he’s in ANY pain at all Hospice will sort it out but they need to know. My mom would automatically say no to them when questioned yet she told me she WAS in pain.
Get power of of attorney and also have him fill out a DNR statement. And if you’re up to it, go to a funeral director and set up the funeral. My parents did this for me so I didn’t have to deal with it. You can gather family photos for the viewing if you plan on having one and you can share these memories with your dad as a last bonding moment.
Get any family history from him now if that interests you. It’s something to talk about while visiting him anyway. Bring a tape recorder.
If he’s no longer lucid then you really don’t need to see his last moments. I’ve watched both my parents die and it’s not the way I wanted to remember them. they were both lucid up to the end so it was important that someone be there.
One last thing. Terminally ill people are by default, bedridden. Both my parents immediately said yes to an offer of a back rub as did an elderly friend of my mother’s when we went to visit her. This may be anecdotal but all 3 of them jumped at the opportunity and painfully rolled over to accept it so it tells me that this was an unknown and unmet need of theirs if not for the asking.
So sorry you’re going through this,** Infovore.** It doesn’t matter what age you are, losing a parent is a traumatic thing. A good hospice with good care makes a world of difference and it sounds like he has that.
Wishing you peace, strength and grace as you go through what you need to do in the next few months.
Just remember that it’s about HIM, till he dies, however bad you feel.
At least you get to be with him at the end.
I was half a world away for the death of both of my parents.
100% correct. If it isn’t sorted do it NOW.
My father refused to do it due to mental confusion, and it caused horrendeous problems.
Amazon has lots of books, on kindle too, for dealing with the practical and emotional aspects of your situation.