I Can't Lose My Dad

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve been a daddy’s girl my whole life. I look like him, act like him and he was the first man I ever loved. He introduced me to Sci-fi and fantasy. He taught me how to drive and how to take care of my car. He has let me cry on his shoulder when I’ve had heartaches, celebrated with me when I’ve had joy and been there to answer any question I might have with candor and compassion. If something happens to him, I’m going to be lost.

Around Thanksgiving, my sister called me to say that he wasn’t sounding right. I called my nephew who lives about 10 minutes away and asked him to check on him. The decision was made that he needed to go to the ER. His BP was through the roof and they couldn’t get it down. He lives about an hour from me but was brought to a hospital closet to me since it’s where his doctor had admitting privileges.

While there, they found problems with his kidneys, which was causing the BP issues. He had to start dialysis but the doctors thought it would be short term rather than life long. He was in the hospital for about 3 to 4 weeks at that point, me stopping by almost daily. They never got PT to get him up and walk, listed him as a fall risk and he laid in bed almost that whole time. But when they asked his insurance to send him to a rehab facility, they said, "Nope, he’s fine. " He was fine for less than a day before he fell again. 2 days later, he was back in the hospital, this time for another 3 to 4 weeks. Still having problems with his BP and kidney functions. Still needing dialysis. PT came a little more often, at least often enough that he was able to go for rehab.

Of course, he was only able to stay there for about a week because insurance doesn’t seem to realize that being able to maneuver with a building full of assistance is far different than maneuvering in a home in which he lives alone. He’s fallen so much over the past couple months, felt like complete and yet crap and just hasn’t been good at taking care of himself. And, as my car is a complete POS and my non-POS car is in the shop for a new transmission, plus I have two kids that I need to get back and forth to school, my own appointments, etc, I can’t come up to help. And, physically, I’m the closest of the kids to him. My nephew lives nearby him, but he’s got 5 kids at home. So a lot of things fall on me.

Fast forward to tonight. I got a text saying I may be getting a call from the hospital, that he was in the ER and had been admitted. He’d been feeling really bad the last couple of days and promised me that if he wasn’t doing better, he’d call his doctor. When PT came to the house today, they didn’t like the way he looked and asked him if they would call an ambulance if he’d go without fusing. Because of his promise to me, he did.

According to him, the ER doc is admitting him because his BP is really high, he’s got fluid in his lungs and he may have pneumonia. He’s at the hospital closet to his home this time which means I can’t get over to visit. I can’t be on site to either advocate for him or tell him to stop being a stubborn ass. He hasn’t gotten a room yet, so that’s probably why I haven’t heard from the doctor or nurse.

He’s going to be 75 in May. I know I probably won’t have him for much longer. I know that health problems come with age. And I know he’s fought off death before. But I also know that he’s been wanting to let go for awhile and join my step- mom in the hereafter. She’s been gone for 14 years and that’s a long time to be alone. But… he’s my Daddy. I’m selfish and I want him to be here to see his namesake graduate. I want him here to continue to give me good advice. I want him here because I am so tired of tears and tragedy. I want him here because I love him to much to imagine my life without him here.

So prayers, good thoughts, support whatever. Please.

2

Make the trip. Go see him. Work can wait.

3

Wishing you and he all the strength for the journey ahead, come what may.

You may find this recent thread, and the ones it references, helpful. Many of us have lived through what you’re about to. It might sound premature from your current POV and for your current hopes. But it is worthwhile to consider the aftermath, before it becomes the aftermath.

You may, sooner than you had planned, have to choose between helping your father to die in peace with dignity or to keep him alive in misery for another week, month, or three so as to postpone, but not prevent, your own pain. It will take a great deal of wisdom, insight, and unselfish love to place your father’s best interests above your own. May you have that strength and wisdom if/when that time comes.

Peace be with you.

4

This. Really, go see him. Remind him that you love him. Give him permission to leave this world if he wants to. That may be what he is waiting for, your permission.

Does this suck for you? Without a doubt. But you will find it a comfort that you will be glad to have given him that permission. Especially if (and I’m sorry this hurts) you are going to lose him anyway.

Sending you strength and peace of mind.

5

Yes, go to him.

Losing my Daddy was the worst experience of my life.
I was like you. Daddy’s girl. He was my best friend.
It took a number of years. I was at the point my family were saying “just move past it.” And “get over it”

I just couldn’t. Til I could.

I finally came out of the dark.

You’ll get through it. It won’t be easy. But you will.

6

It’s not about work. I don’t have s job beyond taking care of the house and being chauffer for my two kids with school and doctor’s appointments. It’s about having reliable transportation to get to him. My car is leaking/ burning oil and the belts are squealing. But I can’t take it in to get fixed until I get my van back. My brother flew into town a week and a half ago and I went with him to see Dad. I try to talk to him, minimum, every other day. I’ve rented cars to get him for doctor’s appointments here in Nashville. I will be calling him tonight to find out exactly what the doctor is saying.

I know I’m going to lose him and it scares me that it might be soon. I’m hoping I have enough warning to know it’s coming to get my sister down from NY (she hasn’t seen him in probably 10 years or so but talks to him weekly) and my brother up from Florida. That’s when I will beg, borrow and steal to get to the hospital or home or wherever he is. At this point, I just don’t know where we stand on anything and until then, I don’t want to cash in favors to get me there. Because of I can them in now and the doctors aren’t worried about it being close to the end, then when they are, I won’t have them to cash in.

I know I’m going to hurt. I know I’m going to be devastated. I know I’ll get through it - Persephone was my best friend, close as a sister, and I lost her a week before I turned 30. I don’t hurt as much but I still miss her every day. I know it’s going to be worse with Dad. And I know I’ve got to face it all. And that I’ve got a lot of people that will catch me when I collapse. But right now, I just need a chance to vent and be scared. Because always, when the time comes, I pull on my big girl pants and do what needs to be done.

Thank you, all, for trying to help. @LSLGuy , thank you for the link. I will look at it. I’m going to eventually be OK, moredo when I hear from him or the hospital and I know what to be scared of and what is my overactive imagination. I’ll come back in to update once I do know more.

7

We are all here for you. We may be disembodied imaginary friends out there somewhere in the aether, but there’s nothing imaginary about the support we give or the pain we can help you share.

Vent forth, be scared, be angry, be in denial, in bargaining, or in fear, or be just plain pissed off as hell at this cruel world we share. It’s all good.

When I pass Nashville tomorrow I’ll wave at you and he and send some strength your way. It’s not much, but it’s something I can do from here. Big {{{hugs}}}.

8

You aren’t disembodied imaginary friends. You could never be that, especially here. Over the last 20+ years, I’ve gotten more support from Dopers and former Dopers than I deserve. And I know the power of support from here can be truly miraculous.

I do appreciate all of it, including and especially the wave as you go by Nashville.

9

Can you rent a car again to get there? Take the kids if you need to. Or if they want to.

Do find out what the doctor is saying – but don’t expect the doctors to be able to give you an exact, or even an approximate, time.

And yes, vent here as much as you need to.

10

Do whatever you can to see and talk to him while you can. My father suddenly passed
away few weeks ago. He had been very ill for sometime but I thought he had about
6 - 12 months left. While losing him has been painful, I am glad that was able to spend
time with him on a regular basis before he was gone. You will regret losing your dad
but you will not regret the time you spent with him. Very sorry that you are going through
this. Hope that your father’s condition improves.

11

Sending positive energy to you, and your dad. I truly hope you can get there to see him.

12

Whatever it takes, Go See Him. Be with him. Tell him now how much he means to you. The things you wrote here, tell these to his face. It will be so very hard to do but it will strengthen the bonds of love between you. And it will give him a chance to tell you how much he loves you.

Go see him now.

13

Best wishes. Sending virtual hugs your way.

14

I had a similar experience to this in January. My dad and I had 43 years of ups and downs and closeness and being apart, but nothing has meant more to me right now than those 3 weeks I spent sitting with him in the hospital.

Do it, honey. Even if you come to visit and you leave him alive and well, you still will have that time to look back on when the end comes.

15

Thanks, all, for the hugs, support and advice.

I talked to both Dad and the hospital this morning. He’s finally in a room and he’s doing a bit better. At least I’m not as worried as I had been. They suspect that a lot of the fluid was because he’d missed dialysis on Monday, so he had dialysis yesterday and will be having it again today. His BP has gone down a lot - his systolic is actually down to 162 (for him, this is good). While he’s in the hospital, PT will be working with him, as will OT and he’ll keep up with dialysis there as well. The hospital has my number and I have Dad’s room number so I can call him directly (his cell is low battery and he hasn’t been able to get a charger yet). And the nurses’ station has my number in case there’s any news they need to give me. I have medical power of attorney for him, so I know that there won’t be a problem with them giving me any information. So I’m feeling a lot better about him now and am glad that he’s where he needs to be.

I wish I could, but I just don’t have the money right now. Especially with the need to have $200 above the cost of the rental on a credit card. It has been a ROUGH year for us here - and we’re only 3 months in. As for taking the kids, they’re teenagers - 8th grade and Junior - and they can’t afford to miss any more school than they already have. (Eldest suffers severe depression and has been out of school more than in this year.) I just keep hoping that we get the call for my van to be ready sooner rather than later.

Oh, believe me, I know. My step-mom was a nurse for about 30, 40 years. I’ve heard a lot of miracle stories as well as stories that moved more quickly than anything was expected. So I know that the doctors can only give best guesses.

Thank you, and it looks like it is, at least at the moment. I know that things can turn on a dime, and even if I don’t get up to see him now, I don’t regret the other time I have spent with him. When he was in this hospital the several months at the end of last year/the beginning of this, I was at the hospital to see him almost every single day. Every time I talk to him, every time I see him, I tell him how much I love him and how glad I am he’s my dad. At the times he’s been depressed enough to wish that (step)Mom had lived and he’d died, and that he wants to die himself, I’ve told him exactly why I didn’t want him to with a lot of tears. And I’ve let him know that I understand. He thinks he’s a burden and I try to reassure him that he’s not, that he’s spent 49 years taking care of me, so letting me take care of him now is just me repaying him. I promise, even if I don’t get up to see him and he takes a sudden turn for the worse, I’m not going to regret things unsaid or time not spent. Because I’ve been able to spend a more time with him than anyone else in my family.

Thank you for the hugs and energy. It is part of what’s helping keep me grounded. That and talking to Dad and the nurse.

16

Where do you live? I’m in Middle TN, outside of M’boro. Maybe there’s some help I can give.

StG

17

StG, I’m in Antioch. At the moment, things are relatively under control, but if it gets worse, I’ll let you know.

Hijacking my own thread, did we meet at the one Middle TN Doper get together in '05/'06/'07 at Blackstones? I know there were a few of us there but I lost track of everyone after I stopped coming to the Dope.

18

TruePisces - Probably. I remember going to one at Blackstones, but honestly don’t remember who I met.

Is your father at Vandy? If you need to go see him, maybe I could drive to your place, work remotely, and let you borrow my car to drive there. I’ll be coming into Antioch on Friday to pick up my sister for an evening out, so could potentially be nearby that afternoon.

StG

19

Nope. The hospital in Dickson. Vandy my car can do. I just pop up M’Boro to Wharf and come in Wharf and come in Edgehill. Usually about 30 minutes with minimal stopping. Dickson would either require I40 or 90 minutes travel time. Part of me hopes his doctor wants him moved to Centennial so he is closer, but I’m also feeling better about their comfort level of they don’t feel the need to send him over here. But thank you for the offer and we should try to get any mid TN Dopers together if we can.

20

Continuing the discussion from I Can't Lose My Dad:

I’m in Antioch, too. If you need a ride to Dickson, with advance notice I can give you a ride. I’m a couple blocks from Nashboro Village.