I’m in Doubletree, so we’re practically neighbors. 
Thanks for the offer and I’ll happily take you up on it if it’s needed.
Dopers are the greatest people in the world.
Yes, they are. And you’re near the top of the list, dear friend. hugs
It doesn’t matter where on earth you are, there’s some of us nearby.
I’ve been diving into some of the old threads that I participated in back in the day. And I came across this post from 21 years ago which, considering everything I posted here, seems pretty timely.
I have found that to be true from the time I joined living in Florida, through NYC, Philly and now Nashville. We Dopers are a very lucky group of people to have people to have our back nearby.
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. You must go to him.
I talked to Dad today. His kidneys arent getting better. Instead of the short term, 3 days a week he was getting for dialysis, he’s now going to have to have a stent put in his belly and have dialysis done nightly. At the moment, that’s all I know until I can talk to the doctor. Im trying not to worry, but worrying is what I do. I’m just trying to keep it unset control.
Please, no more telling me to go see him. Right now, that’s not what I need. I’ve spent more time with him than any of the rest of us kids. I tell him I love him every time I talk to him. If he were to leave this plane today, there’s nothing I would regret not saying because I’ve said it all time and again. What I need is support, virtual hugs, and people to let me know im not alone.
Here’s a long-distance hug.
Mr. Legend and I went through this with his dad during the height of the pandemic. He’d moved from our house to his lady friend’s so she wouldn’t be alone. Even though we were in the same city, when he had a TIA and then a bigger stroke, we weren’t able to go with him to the ER or doctor’s offices or visit him in the hospital. One thing that helped my anxiety a bit was getting him to call me on speaker when he was with doctors so that I could ask questions and get information straight from them.
Definitely remote hugs from me; this would be a rough time even without all the pressure at home! I hope things start easing up soon.
{{{@TruePisces}}}
Hugs help so much. Your dad sounds like a wonderful man.
Thanks, @thorny_locust , @InternetLegend and @carnut . The hugs are always welcome. carnut, he really is and I’m so lucky he’s my dad.
He called me this morning. He’s starting to give up. He wants to just not wake up one day and, while I don’t want to lose him, I’m getting more understanding of my own selfishness in wanting him to stay. He’s hurting so much of the time. He’s so tired of the pain and not knowing what is being decided about his health from one minute to the next. And I get it. I was actually pretty proud of myself for being understanding on the phone and not crying. It was hard because I will cry at the drop of a hat. But I didn’t cry. Honestly, I haven’t cried at all today.
He’s got two different doctors telling him two different things, and neither is his PCP or his initial kidney doctor. One is telling him he needs the stent and will do his own dialysis at home. The other is telling him that he will need to spend several weeks in a skilled nursing facility. I know he wants to go home, but he’s more accepting of a SNF than he was the last time. He said that maybe they can get him in one over here by me again. If he does, then I’ll be over there every day. Though, to be honest, I think he’s convinced he won’t leave the hospital he’s currently in. He wants to be home, because that’s where his heart is. I just don’t know if he’ll get there again. I hope he will, but I’m not as confident as I had been.
More hugs, please? More support? Because I think I need it.
All the hugs and positive energy, @TruePisces.
More hugs.
Are the two sets of doctor’s advice entirely contradictory, or are they telling him that he needs to spend several weeks in a SNF but might after that be able to do his own dialysis at home with a stent?
Can he talk with a pain specialist?
If they can get him into an SNF near you, that might be a good option.
– I have a lot of sympathy with the complications of deciding what to do. I had to have one of two considerably different heart procedures last year, and was getting flat out contradictory advice from two different doctors about which one I should have, combined with unclear advice from a third who sometimes seemed to be favoring one and sometimes the other. I’m really glad I chose the one I did – but there wasn’t any way to tell for sure before the procedure whether it was the right choice, I couldn’t know until afterwards. (Neither, of course, could the doctors; which is why the advice was contradictory and unclear.)
The SNF vs. homecare question is a really hard one, and you have to be sure the doctors understand what care is and isn’t available at home. After my father-in-law’s major stroke, which left him unable to swallow, walk, or use his right arm, one doctor offered him the option of going home with a feeding tube and visiting nurse and physical therapy support. Unfortunately, that would have meant either hiring at least one full-time health assistant, which we couldn’t realistically afford, or leaving him in the care of his octogenarian lady friend for most of the day. He thought that was a great idea, and so did she, but once I explained their living situation to the discharge coordinator, we ended up convincing him to go to the SNF.
Yes, sending more hugs to both of you . And sending some hand-holding to, because this is hard.
Thanks, kenobi.
I honestly have no idea. I haven’t had a chance to talk to the doctors yet. It’s possible that it’s spending time in a SNF them home dialysis. But I did find out another wrinkle today: a lot of SNFs around here won’t take him if he has to have the daily dialysis because it needs to be done in his room rather than in the dialysis suite and they don’t have the staff for that. I’m hoping the doctor will call me on Monday to give me more info.
That’s one of the reasons I wanted his PCP involved. This doctor has been Dad ever since he moved to Tennessee 16 years ago. He knows what Dad’s living situation is, what his worries are, everything else. He’s never steered Dad wrong and I trust him with Dad’s care. I’m hoping to hear back from him this week too.
Thanks, hon. hugs
I talked to a case manager today about him doing PT. They wanted to know if he wanted to do PT at the hospital (3 hours daily, split into manageable chunks, which is good for getting his strength back and helping with his history of falling) or at a SNF (1 hour a day). While we’d love to have him have more PT time, I’d he’s going to a SNF anyway, it makes sense to do it there. I don’t know what his insurance covers with this so we need to be cognizant of that as well.
So right now, I’m playing the waiting game, waiting for everyone to get back to me. I did talk to Dad today though, and he sounded in much better spirits, which makes me feel better about him not willing himself dead.
Big {{hugs}}; you’ve got quite a full plate of unhappiness here.
3h of PT at a hospital sounds pretty difficult. As in they’ll be pulling him out of the room for that at awkward times and just about as he’s ready to fall asleep later they’ll be after him to do it again. Either that or “PT” will be “a walk around the ward while a helper pushes his IV stanchion”. Been there, done that.
When I was doing full-time care monitoring for my now-deceased first wife I found that getting the whole story from any given provider was the real key. And was damn near impossible. And must be done face to face, or as a distant second by live phone call. Messaging of any sort simply doesn’t cut it, period amen.
They assume so much and say so little and none of them take the time to understand the whole story or their misplaced assumptions. Mis-communication, both with the pt. & family, and between the various docs and hospital staff is rife. I can’t practice medicine even a smidgen, but I can sure tell when person A and person B are talking past one another or not talking at all. That was my real value add to her care while she was in the joint. Here’s hoping you can provide a similar service without killing yourself in the process.
Preach it, brother!
Make an appt with his longtime doctor, even if you have to pay for it, and sit down face to face and talk. Go in with your set of questions. Take notes.
I’ve seen good PT happen in a SNF/rehab facility and I’ve seen the shoddy kind @LSL described. Have someone from the family there every day at first to observe the sessions and make sure he’s getting the minutes of PT his insurance is being billed for. And getting it from a licensed PT or a certified PT aide following a PT’s plan.
Lack of mobility and constant pain will change one’s perspective. Neropathic pain from diabetes makes sleeping very unpleasant.
If he can’t go back home then bring home to him. Things that generate good memories such as pictures and small mementos. If he’s not mobile than the simplest and greatest of pleasures are good food and company. Both of these you can give him.
Your father sounds like a great person. Hugs to him and to you for caring for him.