Dreamer, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
My Dad had a series of severe strokes during an operation that was intended to prevent such strokes.
Initially, he was partially paralized on his right side, could not walk, nor feed himself, nor speak intelligibly <spelling?>. It was a miracle he survived at all, as he had also arrested on the table.
Yet with good therapy, he was able to learn to walk again, feed himself, talk, although not necessarily converse, and be relatively independant. He had 9 pretty good years after that.
The neurologists explained to us that the therapy could get him to use parts of his brain that were previouly unused to learn to do these things again, and to replace to a certain extent the parts that were damaged by the stroke. The progress was very slow at first, but accelerated as we went along. Most of the progress took place 3 months after the event and onward.
If you do decide not to withold feeding, may I suggest that in addition to all the therapy, that you make sure your Dad gets lots of mental / verbal stimulation, i.e. lots of people talking to him as though he’s there, touching his hands and face, and encouraging him to fight on, and to get better. Even a TV or radio tuned to a favourite channel can provide lots of stimulation when you’re not there.
Perhaps you can try the blink once for yes, twice for no, means of communicating, but you have probbly tried that already.
Speaking from experience (albeit Canadian experience) if he does go to a long term facility, your family will have to visit him often, and make sure that he gets the care and stimulation he needs. I’m afraid that the patients who don’t get a lot of attention from their family often don’t get a lot of attention from the staff either. Don’t alienate the staff, as they could retaliate against your Dad. Bring them little presents and learn their names. Offer to help them care for your Dad by doing small things like small grooming tasks, etc.
Also, allow me to offer you some advice about taking care of yourself, regardless of what you decide. When one is distraught over a loved one’s health crisis, it’s often the case that doing things for yourself can lead to feeling guilty, or to feeling like you are somehow betraying your Dad, and that you have a duty to fell bad all the time. Please believe me that it’s OK for you to take some time for yourself, to rest, to eat if you can (whatever you like, forget calories for the next month) and even to spend some time with your friends. It’s OK, if you can, to laugh at a funny story of a buddy/GF’s date gone wrong, or a funny movie, and forget about your troubles for a while. You are recharging your emotional batteries to be better able to care for your Dad, or for your family.
It’s also OK for you to cry, to feel it isn’t fair, to be angry, and to want to break things. Pillows and matresses make great punching bags. Make sure you have some friends or loved ones with whom it’s OK to cry, or to rant. Please don’t try to “be strong” in front of everybody.
Finally, if you are so inclined, you can pray for guidance, for strength, for peace for you and yours.
{{Big warm botherly hug}}
