Neither mundane nor pointless, but there’s no other forum for something like this.
I get a call from my sister-in-law at around 3pm today. My dad was biking as he does almost every day. He had a stroke, fell over, and hit his head on the pavement. He now has contusions and bleeding in three parts in his brain. Half his face droops and he can’t move his right arm or leg. He is the smartest person I’ve ever known. Now he’s reduced to a state of confusion and slurred speech. His face, hands, and legs all have an ugly case of road rash.
CAT scan after CAT scan doesn’t give the doctors much insight as to why this happened or what to do about it. Strokes normally happen to people who are smokers and/or have high blood pressure. My dad’s never had either. He’s almost in better shape than I am.
He’s 68 years old.
One thing they do know, however, is that he’ll need several months of rehabilitation. Speech therapy, physical therapy… “Forget driving a car. You’ll have to re-learn how to tie your shoelaces.”
He lives about an hour away from me in Virginia. His wife is deaf, which means most of the caretaking will fall on me. I live in Baltimore, so it looks like I’ll have to quit my job which I’m highly successful at to move down there and take care of him.
But this is about him, not me.
Everyone please include him in your thoughts and prayers. He’s been strong for me my entire life. Now I have to be strong for him.
Agent Foxtrot, you and your family have my best wishes. I nursed my mother through strokes – this isn’t easy for the stroke patient or their family. I do feel for you. I hope that your father’s recovery is as swift as can be, and as sure as can be. Take care. My thoughts are with you.
That purely sucks, Adam. All comfort, strength and healing to you and your father.
Don’t let the first shock swamp hope, though. Strokes run through both sides of my family like lightning. They’re never good, but they aren’t necessarily as catastrophic as you might fear right now. You’re dad won’t be exactly the same, with all the same capabilities, but it didn’t wipe out everything he is. He’ll need time and help to offset some of the impact. He might never get back to doing some things the same way or at all. But that doesn’t mean he might not be able to adapt, or discover entirely new outlets.
Your father’s life didn’t end, even though it hit a hell of detour. Get some rest first of all, then start regrouping. It sounds like your father is a pretty dynamic guy, and a stroke doesn’t automatically erase all that. You’ll handle it one step at a time.
Veb
My e-mail’s listed. Please don’t hesitate to write if you want.
You have my sympathy, my grandma died yesterday after many health problems with advanced dementia and althemers (horribly butchered spelling) so its really for the best that she passed on. Unfortunately the timing at least for me is pretty shitty. I get the pleasure of driving 12 hours tommorow and attending the funeral instead of attending the first day of the new quarter at school. Happy New Year indeed.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. You sound like a devoted son (daughter?) and I know this must be so difficult for you.
For what it’s worth (and I know that every case is different), one of my friends, a veteran TV writer, had a stroke some years ago. I remember visiting her in the hospital. Glassy stare, couldn’t speak at all. It took some time, but due to her determination, she’s bounced back big time. She needs leg braces and one of her hands has limited mobility, but she’s still writing (actually, had suffered writer’s block for years before the stroke) and has a great outlook on life.
Your dad sounds like an active and remarkable guy. I have a feeling that he will do very well.
Another thing—don’t let the doctors put limitations on your dad’s prospects. I saw a news story on this once (sorry, no cite), about two daughters who relentlessly cared for their dad after he suffered from a stroke. The doctors had very limiting (and somewhat gloomy) expectations for the dad, but the daughters wouldn’t accept it. Kept working with the dad, patiently, and he exceeded everything the doctors had predicted. To an amazing extent. If I recall the story right (and my memory might be faulty), the doctors in question almost seemed to not want to acknowledge that they’d been wrong, and that the daughters’ determination had been a profound factor in the dad’s recovery. Obviously not all doctors are like this (thank goodness), but just beware that such doctors exist.
I am sorry to hear this happened to your family.
My father suffered a major stroke that left him with a paralyzed arm and limited mobility in one leg for his last 10 years of life. At first the doctors predicted he would never walk again, but he did indeed learn to walk again, as well as drive his truck (though we had the steering wheel and pedals modified to make it easier for him to use them).
He found it difficult to express himself verbally, but there was no question that he understood what was happening around him and was still the same strong, smart man he was before the stroke.
Recovery from a stroke can be slow and frustrating, but don’t give up hope. I was amazed at how much my father was able to adapt to his condition and how much he overcame. You and your father will definitely have my thoughts and prayers.
I wish there was more I could do than just say “You have my sympathy, and will be in my thoughts and prayers”. We online friends feel helpless sometimes, when things like this happens. Rest assured we DO care, and if there is anything at all we can do, it’ll get done. Take care of yourself, don’t get too worn out.
Adam, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your father and family.
All I can do is reiterate what TVeblen and yosemite said, about not losing hope – and remember that inability to make one’s body perform the functions of communicating does not necessarily mean that the mind behind that faltering body is not intact, nor is temporary memory loss always permanent.
My favorite aunt had a stroke in 1981, and we buried her in 1987, she having died of something quite different at the age of 82, having fully recovered from her stroke (albeit slightly enfeebled, something quite reasonable in her late 70s) and back to her old kind and witty self before her final decline. I’ve spent the last 14 years a survivor of a substantial heart attack, and if anything it’s made me a better person. Not the same thing, I know, but intended to give you hope.
Hang in there, brother – you’ll find help where you least expect it, and hope in things you never noticed before.
You, your Dad and your whole family are in my thoughts and prayers, Adam. And I absolutely third (fourth?) the idea that incredible recovery after a stroke is absolutely possible. I will believe for nothing but the best to come.
I am sorry about your your father. About your job, the [http://www.dol.gov/esa/whd/fmla/](Family Medical Leave Act) means that most people have the legal right to take at least 3 months unpaid leave from work to care for a relative in situations like this without penalty from the employer. You may need to invoke that legal right if you are eligible and your employer balks at the request.
This bears repeating again.
Don’t give up your job or move just yet. Give yourself at least two months ( if not more) to let things settle down and see how your Dad progresses. Is your company large enough to enable you to use the Family Medical Leave Act? If Not, maybe you can work something out with your boss of working longer Mon-Thursday and have long weekends to devote entirely to your dad once he is released. (There is no therapy in nursing homes on weekends, FYI.)
Chances are, rehab might be in a nursing home for a while. Which is hard to deal with as a kid, but the 24/7 care will ease your worries. But that is putting the cart before the horse.
I am not sure why your Dad’s wife cannot care for him unless there are more underlying disabilities than deafness. Unless she is medically frail and emotionally incompetant she still has a say in your Dad’s care. The burden is still there for you and it is never pleasant to see the people we love struggle.
A sudden, terrible awful goddamn thing has happened and popped that little bubble that you have lived in and everything that was warm, fuzzy and secure is completely different now. It.Is.Not. Fucking.Fair. It is perfectly ok to be mad at the Stroke. Your dad was doing everything right. Diseases are like that. They hit really wonderful people, not heartless cocksucking bastards.
It will never go back to that level again and you can consider yourself very lucky: Very few have ever had such a wonderful relationship with their father’s as you. And you are so very lucky to still have him around. And you know something, as hard as this all is on you, it is about 100 times harder on your father. Not because of the stroke, per se, but no parent ever wants their children to see them suffer or become a burden on them.
Also, think of how your siblings who live farther away feel: helpless from a distance, guilt at not being there. This is a time to establish firm communications with them regarding your father’s condition and care. So as to let them be informed and easing their guilt/worry/burden and to ease your burden of being the closest one. You are not alone. Remember that.
Remember, Kirk Douglas had a terrible stroke and fought his way back to speaking and walking again, so much so that he was able to attend the Oscars and give a speech and act in a future movie ( albeit pretty awful one) but your father, given his excellent health and the fact that he is very smart ( says by YOU) and has You and your siblings to that he loves dearly, is more than enough to make him want to fight for himself.
Take it one thing at a time and carry a notepad with you at all times. You have just entered a new world with a new foreign language. It is overwhelming, to say the least.
I am curious: Was your father wearing a helmet?
Above all, take it moment by moment. Don’t let it crush you.
I wish you peace.
Joan
I’m really sorry to hear that. Best wishes for a good recovery for your dad.
I know there’s no silver lining when something like this happens, but i hope it all works out as well as it possibly can for him, you, and your family.
My thoughts and prayers with you as well, Adam. The human brain is astonishing. Given a few days to figure out what it’s done to itself, it frequently goes about the business of re-wiring at an alarming rate. He may well have to learn to re-tie his shoelaces, but things may slip back into place faster than you might think. And, if they do not, he has been left with the capacity to re-learn.
It doesn’t sound like much right now, but that capacity is the hidden gift. We only use a portion of our brains. Best of luck with him. Now it’s your turn to give care… we all face this at some point.
