I’m just about to e-mail and invite my sisters yet again to my town for Christmas. They have been estranged from the whole family (not just me) since our parents died a year and a half ago. I found out yesterday that my cousin’s cancer has returned. Simple question, what obligation do I have to keep my sisters informed about family issues? I’m new to this estrangement concept, so bare with me, I’m still getting used to it.
I think if I tell them, they might come to the holidays out of obligation/pity, I don’t want to manipulate them into coming. Also, I don’t feel good spreading stories about cousins. I also don’t know for certain that they haven’t been told by a different relative. On the other hand, I did leave message with my sister when my Uncle died earlier this year and if I’m the one in town that is still semi-close to family, don’t I have an obligation to keep them informed? I’m really torn, they were the ones who divorced themselves from the family. They don’t stay in contact, they aren’t on Facebook, etc.
If I don’t tell them now, when do I? When my cousin gets really sick, bald with chemo, in hospice (God forbid)?
Anybody who’s dealt with estranged siblings or are estranged themselves, I’d love to hear your point of view.
The news is fully available on facebook, everybody knows and it wouldn’t be an issue if I told. My point is that they pretty much divorced themselves from the family. Why would I communicate anything to them? There is no relationship here, is it really my responsibility to give them all the family gossip when they have made it pretty clear they don’t really care? To me, estranged means no contact. They have made it clear that’s what they choose. I’m tired of being the one to reach out.
The cousin is capable of communicating directly if he/she desires.
Your siblings have said they want no contact. That means no contact. All you are doing is injecting yourself where neither side needs/wants your input. And, obviously, you’re making yourself uncomfortable. Or else you wouldn’t be asking us for advice.
Make sure you understand this: Your cousin did NOT put you in the middle. Your siblings did NOT put you in the middle. YOU put YOURSELF in the middle. So you CAN put yourself back out of the middle by dropping the issue. And that’s exactly what you SHOULD do.
The sibling’s decision to estrange may or may not be wise or well-founded. Not your call. But their decision has consequences. And they’re the ones who’ll bear the consequences. It’s not your place to “save them from themselves” or save them from the consequences of their decisions. One of those consequences may be that they learn of your cousin’s illness or untimely demise many years after the fact. So be it.
If I were you, I’d tell them the cousin has cancer simply because it would be the kind thing to give them a chance to make their peace before it’s (possibly) too late.
Maybe you don’t have to mention the Christmas party to them if you think they might take it as a manipulative thing. Really, does it make sense for them to come to the party if they want nothing to do with anyone else during the rest of the year? I don’t really think so.
I was hoping for a few more comments. Maybe because I wrote it on Sunday night. I hate bumping this back to the top and I promise I won’t do it again. I’m finding it impossible to concentrate at work. Thanks
If it were me, I’d tell them, simply because I’d want to know that my sisters had the opportunity to make their peace if it comes to that. Telling them puts no one under any obligation, it just moves the ball into their court. I don’t know whether I’d put that information into the same e-mail as the invitation, though: that might come across as too manipulative, even though that’s not your intention.
If you prefer to communicate only once, then I’d say make the news about your cousin the primary focus of the note. Wish them Happy Holidays at the very end, and note the information about the party and that they are, and always will be, welcome.
By leading with the cousin you sort of negate the “and this could be his/her last Christmas” dysfunctionthat poisons so many families this time of year.
But really the best thing would be to send two separate ntoes, one for each issue.
Withholding the information sounds like a sort of passive-aggressive poke; “They don’t deserve to know” sort of thing. It’s just too permanent a pain - not getting to say goodbyey to a loved one. He/she may nto be a loved one in their hearts, but don’t make that decision for them.
If you don’t want to be their last thread of communication with the family though, that’s your right as well. You just have to decide what you want and act accordingly.
Freeing oneself from dysfunction is usually remarkably simple; but it’s by no means easy.
You should let them know about your cousin, but I wouldn’t invite them. The ball will be in their court at that point, and they can communicate with you if they so desire. If they do call or write, depending on the tenor of the conversation/letter, you can decide whether to invite them or not.
Would your cousin want them to know? Feel badly if they didn’t know?
I think this is about what would make your cousin feel the best.
You could say something like “You may know that I don’t talk to Patty and Selma very often, but if I do, would you like me to give them any updates from you?”
Your cousin might say “don’t worry about it, so-and-so already emailed” or might feel strongly for or against telling. If your cousin expresses preferences that you do inform the sisters, and they don’t respond, well, you know you gave them the opportunity and they are the ones who walked away from it.
I suppose it could be a power thing or it could be just that they’ve hurt me so much, I just don’t want to be the person who always reaches out to them. It’s not my choice that they broke it off. If they wanted to be part of the larger family, they would be. I’d understand your point about being the bigger man, I don’t want to reach out to people who obviously dislike me. I invite them for the Xmas party because it’s my only annual family party, it’s the right thing to do (and I know they’ll say no). I just don’t think it should be my responsibility just to suck it up. A relationship is a two way street, even with family, if they don’t want to meet halfway, then that’s on them. Right?
diggerwam, it depends on what they’ve done that hurt you, or your family. Was it something concrete, or is it that they’re ignoring everyone, or not responding as you think they should? If they’ve actually done something, that’s one thing. If they’re simply absent and uncommunicative, that’s something else. There’s always two sides, and whatever has gone on between you and your sisters shouldn’t have a negative impact on the rest of the family.
It’s hard to know without details – you don’t say how they’ve made it clear that they don’t care about the family – but I think you come out ahead if you continue to try to include them in family stuff.
I don’t understand why it’s your place to communicate health issues concerning your cousin.
I’m trying to pretend that my sister has “divorced” herself from the family. I find out a family member is gravely ill. Now, if we were on speaking terms (as we are), we would just tell each other this sort of news. Mostly, it works the other way because I’m far away and she has better geographical access. So she calls me up and tells me what’s going on with people. That way, if I want to send flowers or something, I can. But if we weren’t because she chose to estrange herself… that seems more like a not your place to say kind of deal. I suppose I would have asked my sister at some point, “Okay, I understand you want to disappear yourself and I’ll respect that. Do you want to be informed of deaths, marriages, births, grave medical diagnoses?”
I think if the estranged sisters don’t want to have anything to do with the family, then not telling them is fine. It’s not like you’ll be disowned by the rest of the family for not carrying out the order to disseminate the news far and wide. It’s not your cancer to announce; I vote for leave it alone as none of your business.
Continue inviting your sisters to stuff they will probably not attend. That lets them know you still love them and want to see them, but leave it at invite once then drop it.
I have no experience with estrangement, but I think if you’re tired of reaching out, the bit to skip is the invitation rather than the important news about your cousin. I don’t think you have an obligation to tell them (and indeed if the cousin would prefer not I would respect her wishes), but I think this is important enough information to try to rise above the ongoing problems to convey. If they choose not to get in touch or support your cousin, that’s their choice to make.
I’ve been estranged from one of my sisters for 6 years, since our mother died.
If I were in your shoes I’d send a brief e-mail something along the lines of “Cousin X’s cancer has returned, he/she might like to hear from you. In case you don’t have X’s contact details, here’s their email address and phone number. Hope you’re well.”
I wouldn’t invite them to Christmas unless you genuinely want them to be there.
If your cousin wants them to know, your cousin can tell them, correct? I really really do not understand why you have to be the one to tell or not tell, and everyone seems to be agreeing that you are the one, and should tell (mostly). Can anyone on that side explain this?
Ask your cousin* about it. Let her decide what to do. If she isn’t up to dealing with it (understandable) tell your aunt or uncle and let them deal with it. I think it would be nice of you to remind your cousin/aunt/uncle about your sisters because, since they are estranged, they may have forgotten to notify them. At that point, be done with it.
I would also stop sending invites to the Christmas Party. This year, send them a letter saying you love them and your door will always be open (or whatever feels true to you), but that you are respecting their decision to no longer be a part of the family and will only contact them again if your address changes. And go ahead (if you want) and say that if they would like to be notified of other family happenings to please let you know.
Then, leave them out of your life. I know how hard this must be, but you are just hurting yourself over and over with a million little cuts. If this is what they want, you have no choice but to respect that. Accept it. Move on. Perhaps, once they realize you are really not going to keep trying, they will come around. This may take a few years, or it may never happen. But I think it is, by FAR, your best choice for long-term happiness.
Best wishes.
*I don’t see where you’ve specified your cousin’s gender, if you have, so I’m going with female. If that’s wrong, I apologize.