I agree with this. In the OP, you mentioned “stumbling upon” email and phone correspondance between the two of them. May I ask how that happened?
I can’t remember if I first encountered this advice here, or thru an advice columnistI like, but this has served me well:
People who care about you will also care about the impact their actions have on you.
She is, to be clear, absolutely entitled to her own friends, her own space, her own little slice of life that doesn’t involve you. But if she loves you, and her actions/space/friends/life make you uncomfortable, then she at least owes you some honesty and information, which doesn’t seem to be what you’re getting.
I’ve been married almost as long as you, and I would be very concerned. It is not that she wants to meet him. Hell, I went to my 30th reunion solo, and I hadn’t been to any previous. But, CrazyCatLady is right, but even if she is “just” fighting for space, there is almost positively temptation somewhere in her mind. (I used quotes, because this would also be a very serious issue.)
This does depend somewhat on the situation, I think. For example, if my husband were to snoop into emails from a preferred-sex friend of mine, I would be righteously pissed, mostly because it would indicate a massive double-standard. He’s had a ton of female friends over the years and I’ve never had a problem with it, so him getting suspicious of one of my (relatively few) male friends would be irritating enough that I wouldn’t feel particularly sympathetic to his feelings.
**lorene **has a point about the emails, I think. It becomes especially relevant if the “stumbling” preceded her secretive behavior.
/edit: Of course if she’s been secretive all along, that’s an issue. I don’t think every friend has to be a 'friend of the relationship" (my husband and I often have different tastes in people), but it would be weird for us to not bring up people we were in contact with in conversation, unless it was already a hot-button issue.
Well I’m glad your marriage is long term. I opted for the three year plan.
Anyway, before I jump on the “Oh hells no” bandwagon, I seek clarification. Is she *really *all hush-hush about it, and the whole thing is shrouded in some shifty-eyed mystery? It seems like her interpretation of events may differ slightly from yours. She may think she just decided to meet with a friend, then you started getting suspicious and badgering her with questions she doesn’t need to answer. I hate this whole “friend of the relationship” thing. For fuck’s sake, married couples live together, sleep together, share money, go most places together, have the same friends, have the same family. Married people need their own friends. If I wanted to have lunch with someone, I’d just have lunch, or maybe mention I was having lunch with a pal, but not much else. If he simply must know who with, I’ll say, but if I am grilled about it, particularly because the person is male, I’d be put off and would likely offer up something like “Dude, I’m allowed to have my own friends.” Now if she is actually, legitimately acting strangely, and is trying to cover things up, then this should be on your suspicious activity radar.
Whatever you do, do not do this. This is absolutely insane.
What’s the rest of your relationship like? Any changes recently?
These sorts of situations are tricky. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having friends that aren’t necessarily friends of “the relationship”, even if they’re of the opposite sex, but when it does mean that there needs to be some clearly established boundaries and some open communication.
In this situation, there appears to be some red flags because of the perceived secrecy, if it really is there, one of them is proabably at least thinking about doing something wrong, and if it’s not actually there, then she should make an effort to assuage your fears, which she hasn’t done, which makes the first case seem more likely. This is further indicated by him potentially just trying to pick up chicks.
Either way, she should at least be willing to give some basic information about him, like how close they were back then and all that. It is possible, perhaps, that she had a crush on him and, over 40 years, it got so distorted that it’s almost irresitable. If that’s the case, it may be nothing more than a sort of “what if” and she’s a little embarassed about the temptation. Maybe she just likes talking to someone she used to know back then just because it makes her feel young again, and it’s completely innocent, even if his intentions are not. Maybe there is something going on, or she thinks there might be something going on in the future. Regardless, you two probably need to have a good conversation, and hopefully you can express your feelings and she can be more open about what’s going on, or at least offer a reason why she’s uncomfortable having you there as well.
“Friends of the relationship” doesn’t mean “friends of the couple.” It means that the friend cares about the sanctity (for lack of a better word) of the relationship. In this case, the man contacting the OP’s wife doesn’t need to be friends with both the OP and his wife – he can be friends with only the wife. However, his friendship must not in any way undermine or sabotage the marriage.
If Bob and Sue are married, and I am only friends with Bob, I am a friend of the relationship by refraining from making passes at Bob or talking smack about Sue.
Thank you. That’s where I was going with my question about how Disney_Fan stumbled onto this info. You can stumble across an email. You can accidentally listen to someone’s phone message. But you probably can’t mistakenly open someone’s email, stalk their Facebook page (and the pages of the people who visit them—how do you know what this dude is writing on other poeple’s walls?), listen to their voicemails, ask their secretary who they’re lunching with and casually bump into them on the way home without it at some point crossing the line into actively trying to snoop on your spouse.
Whether the snooping preceded the secretive behavior or the secretive behavior caused the snooping is anyone’s guess.
If you’re not invited along, there’s a problem. I have lots of friends of the opposite sex, and my girlfriend knows all of them except for a few who live far away. Her presence kinda defuses any erotic potential.
Note that I’m not talking about ALL the time here, but more than 50%. Enough to send a clear message that *she’s *my girl and *they’re *just friends.
Missed the edit window but wanted to acknowledge that I was also trying to quote Vihaga’s post, since we were in agreement about much of this.
There are just too many variables to know what is going on, and who is “right”. In the interest of full disclosure, I recently (in the past year) have been in contact with an old boyfriend from high school. I did invite my husband to come to a Christmas Party at this guy’s house but have also twice had drinks with him solo. Neither one meant more than the other. It’s great to introduce your old life to your new life, but it’s also tiring to try to have a quick drink with an old friend and spend the entire time turning to the newer person and explaining the jokes or saying things like, “Mr. Wilson was our biology teacher. The reason this is funny is…” It’s no fun to be the person who isn’t in on the jokes either.
This wouldn’t be necessary for me. My husband would have no interest in talking shop with my work friends, and he wouldn’t want to hang around being bored just to “send a clear message.”
Ah, well then you and I have interpreted the phrase differently. I mean my friend does not have to be my spouse’s friend. I, of course, agree that no friend of mine, of any gender, should be trying to ruin my relationship. That would make a dodgy friend.
Dr Phil htread.
Seroquil at bedtime.
That’s how I interpret it, too - being aware of your friend’s spouse and relationship and priorities, and respecting/supporting them.
Here we go again…
My sharing rule is not to ever get romantically involved with anyone who has the expectation of sexual exclusivity, or to accept promises of exclusivity from any of them for that matter. She can share whatever she wants to share with her old high school acquaintance. Tell me about it, keep it private, I’m fine either way. If anything’s happening in the bed that we normally share, I would hope she would change the sheets.
How is that remotely relevant or helpful, AHunter3?
I agree.
My wife has guy friends who she sees without me, for lunch or coffee. I’ve got no problem with it, and i certainly don’t feel the need to be present in order to “send a clear message” or somehow mark my territory. I trust her, she’s open with me about who she’s seeing, and it’s never been a problem. Same with me and my friends who are women.
But i do agree with others about the whole secrecy thing. If my wife suddenly reconnected with a long-ago friend, and was going to meet him to catch up, she’d definitely tell me about, and i’d do the same for her.
Because it’s advice that doesn’t apply to 99.9% of people, DUH!