For ease of reference, the short title of this thread may be referred to simply as: bwuh?!
I have (had) a pretty good friend for about 15 years now; she’s a gal and I’m a guy, but we never had any romantic relationship. We may have made one or two halfhearted feints in that direction, but we always came back to cherishing our friendship as more important. I consoled her through some of her own romantic troubles and she did the same for me; I was friends with one or two of her boyfriends and she met my girlfriend (who’d eventually become my wife). Eventually we lost touch when she got married and moved to another country.
So I thought we were pretty much aboveboard, straightforward friends, but now that she’s visiting here again (10+ years later), on an extended stay with her husband and two nearly teenaged kids, she’s called me and said that she’d like to meet me for lunch or something . . . but her husband is constantly watching her to make sure she doesn’t talk to any guys while she’s here. But though “I’m different,” in her words, if she wants to see me she’ll have to concoct some kind of lie so she can meet me somewhere without his knowledge.
At this point, I refer you to the aforementioned bwuh?!
Am I wrong to kind of feel kind of, I don’t know, disappointed maybe? My wife knows about us being friends in the past, and as soon as I knew my friend was coming to town I was kind of happy about it and mentioned it to my spouse not too long afterward. But have a hard time imagining what’s going on either in my friend’s marriage, or in her attitude toward me, that I’m not to be spoken of and am relegated to the role of backdoor man somehow. I’m also not sure whether I really even want to see her under these circumstances.
I haven’t been friends with many people transitioning from singlehood to marriage, so I don’t know if this is common–feeling a need to conceal friends of the opposite sex from the time before they were married. Maybe I’m overthinking it or being naive in some respect. I’m hardly agonizing over it, but it’s got a bit of a sting that I muse on time to time.
I don’t think the need to conceal friends is common, and I don’t know if I would want to meet her in case her husband follows her and makes some kind of scene.since she’s met your wife, couldn’t the families meet for lunch? Unless he doesn’t like the idea that she had an actual life before him.
She says he husband is “constantly watching her”, and she’s willing to sneak away to meet with you. This suggests that either something is seriously wrong with her marriage, or your friend is batshit insane. Possibly both. My spider-sense is tingling in a possible domestic violence scenario kind of way. Meet with her discreetly. Have with you a card or other handout from the local domestic violence shelter. Give her the information. If there is a problem, and she’s willing to go, drive her to the public office of the shelter–if they run anything like they do here, you will not be allowed to know the location of the private/secure living facilities, assuming she is accepted for sheltering.
Well, Taiwan, though they’re living in the US all this time. Taiwan doesn’t have all the same progressive attitudes (if that’s what you call it) toward gender roles as the US, but it’s not that bad.
I’ve had female Taiwan acquaintances drop off the radar after they got married, but it seemed to me more a matter of self-limitation than the husband getting actively jealous or controlling. Sort of, “I’m a married woman now, I want to be a good wife, so I will conform to my wifely role.” But they weren’t good friends, and weren’t expressing an interest in seeing me but only on the sly.
I wouldn’t meet her if she has informed you upfront that she has to sneak. People in healthy marriages, or people who aren’t up to something, can meet friends of the opposite sex for lunch without any constraints. I have loads of guy friends, all of whose wives I am absolutely no threat to, whom I would meet without hesitation if I were going to their town or they coming here. Their spouses and mine would be equally welcome to attend.
So my opinion is if there are constraints to a situation, then don’t get together — if you want to remain honest and above-board.
Call her husband and invite the two of them to dinner at your home. With her prior approval, of course.
My primary temptation is just to say “Run!” But you say she’s a good friend, and I suspect she needs help. Talk it through with your wife just in case, and know in advance how much/what kind of help you are willing to give. also, be prepared for her to back off of her committment to leave, which will likely put you in danger of at least a very unpelasant scene.
Same here, from the guy side of the relationship. In fact, when I have a female friend come into town, I invite her and her husband for dinner with me and my wife.
Koxinga, since she’s in town with the spouse and kids, why don’t you offer to have the whole family over for a barbecue, or show them the family-oriented tourist spots or something else that would involve everyone? See what her reaction is and take your next steps accordingly.
You’re not crazy; it is a very strange thing to say.
Either she’s got some mental issues, her husband is scarily controlling and paranoid, or she’s trying to have an affair with you (OK, these options are not necessarily exclusive).
So, assuming you’re not into option #3, first, remember to make sure you don’t accidentally sound like you are (mentioning your wife would like to meet her, too, is probably a way to head that off at the pass, without being awkward in case that’s not the situation). Now, decide whether you want to get involved in #1 or #2. I guess the easiest solution is try and have another phone call or two with her to try and get some clues as to what’s going on (for instance, ask why don’t the two families just get together)
I’d probably try and keep plausible deniability about what she’s telling her husband if you do meet her.
Sounds like a Taiwanese thing to me, not domestic abuse. What’s hard to understand about these cultures is not that the men think “if you’re meeting him for coffee, you might cheat on me”, it’s more like “if you’re meeting him for coffee, you are cheating on me.” Our culture has arbitrary boundaries. Why can’t another?
It sucks for you, OP, but that’s life. I’d cut it off if I were you. I had to lose a friend that way just because we dated when we were 15. It’s ridiculous, but you’re not going to change any minds on this one.
A good mate has a Taiwanese wife, and theres no problem about her meeting with other people.
Is it perhaps HER desire to meet in secret for some reason?
I could certainly see how it might seem suspect in a culture that places a high premium on appearances. A third party seeing a man or woman having lunch or coffee with someone who they know isn’t that person’s wife or husband might be prone to think something is amiss. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or “anyone elses business”. People gossip and some people are very sensitive about their reputation. Especially if you are in a profession that can be influenced by personal reputation.
I would certainly find it strange if my girlfriend was sneaking off and meeting guys without telling me.
I don’t get the OP’s relationship with this woman though. We do you mean “…may have made one or two halfhearted feints in that [romantic] direction, but we always came back to cherishing our friendship as more important”. Like you made out or had sex after a night out drinking and then felt self-conscous about it the next day?
What it sounds like is that she might have feelings for you but you don’t like her as more than a friend. She might have settled and got married and had kids with a guy because…well…people do that sometimes. Now she might be having feelings for you again as the monotony of her loveless marriage wears on.
A long time ago I dated a guy who repeatedly cheated on me with the same woman, then did the breakup-via-disappearance thing. About a year later he sent me an email out of the blue, and – long story short – we decided to try being friends. He was engaged to the woman he’d cheated on me with, and he invited me to the wedding. I was on the fence until he said, completely seriously, “I’ll find some way to sneak you in there, because [fiancee] would go ballistic if she knew you were there.” That’s when I learned she had no idea that he was in touch with me, let alone that we’d been out to lunch a couple of times. I immediately knew that (a) I would not be going to the wedding, and (b) I could not be “friends” with him anymore. Who needs that kind of drama?
I got the feeling that the issue might be that the husband is Taiwanese.
I’d go along with the suggestion to extend an invitation to the whole family. If you can’t be friends out in the open, then the friendship is already over anyway. I would not get involved in anything that required sneaking.
I think you can politely say that you don’t want to get tangled up in a situation that involves her needing to lie to her spouse – and trust me, you DON’T want to get tangled up in that situation. There is all kinds of drama there waiting to happen that you want nothing to do with.
But I do like the idea of offering her help if she might be dealing with a dangerous situation in her marriage. And whatever help might be offered is something that your spouse should be involved in, as well, for clarity.
If I went with the knowledge that my friend was sneaking, then I’d feel like I was complicit in the sneaking. I wouldn’t have a good time since I’d feel like I was guilty about something I didn’t do. And I’d probably start to resent my friend for putting me in that situation. I’d just as soon not go.
Why wouldn’t she want to bring her family to meet you? As in, why didn’t she propose a meeting with her whole family? If I was going to meet a long lost friend I would want to bring my wife and even my kids if the whole thing was aboveboard. I would certainly understand if my wife didn’t like the idea of me visiting with an old girlfriend without inviting her along.
