The bank just wanted him to know “Tidd/Mory you are our favorite customers! How would you like our upgraded checking account? For FREE!”
“Well, that’s not so bad” Todd thinks.
That’s when he notices the shoe sticking into his chest by the high heel. The fall first thing this morning was not as benign as he first believed.
[hijack]
Tom and Todd were brothers, and it was said of them that there was no one in the whole world more impatient than the two of them. In fact the locals had a saying:
“Tom and Todd wait for no man.”
<rimshot>
[/hijack]
Though upset that his house seems to be burning down, not to mention a bit leary of it spreading since Tom is his next door neighbor and he hopes to crash there after being fixed up, Todd knows that if he doesn’t get out of here now, he never will. He throws Mary on to the gurney, climbs in the ambulance himself, and sighs as the EMT shuts the door behind them. Finally, he and Mary will get the medical attention they need. He’s hopeful that they’ll sew up his arm, check to see if the high heel has punctured his lung, and maybe even tell him if Mary’s really even pregnant. After a surprisingly event-free ride to the hospital, Todd gets out fully expecting to be receiving prompt attention, but the intake clerk glares at him and says "Sir, before you can be seen, we need…
"Sir, before you can be seen, we need…
…to know what breed your animal is, and what shots she’s received in the last 6 months."
You see, in his haste, Todd had driven to the Animal Hospital. Worried for his wife’s life, her possible child’s life, and his possible punctured lung (not to mention that the EMTs clean their interior with citrus cleaner, making his papercut sting like the DICKENS!) he cries out,
“My God! How did I drive from the back of the ambulance? I didn’t! This isn’t my fault.” Todd stomped out and punched the EMT. “Why did you bring us to the vet hospital?” he demanded angrily.
“Uh,” said the EMT. " I kind of got lost."
" You got lost?? How can you get lost?"
" Shut up! I don’t want to have to hurt anyone, but I swear to god…" At which point the EMT started waving around a gun. With growing horror, Todd realized…
…That he was in a story making little sense, and where he was known by two different names, Todd and Tom; And that this story soley existed to get him into more and more shit.
“Crap!!!” he yelled.
Unfortunatly, his srceam of anguish was overshadowed by the sound of the EMTs’ gun going off.
“Phew”, Todd thought. “He missed”.
Then he heard a strange whistleing noise from above, like wind howling, Todd looked up and in terror saw…
Then he heard a strange whistleing noise from above, like wind howling, Todd looked up and in terror saw…
…a police helicopter. As it got closer, he distinctly heard a megaphone saying, “You! Down there! Put your hands up where we can see them and don’t move! You are being charged with assault of a government employee!” Suddenly, police officers with guns began descending from inside the helicopter and…
…just as Todd was about to be taken into custody he hears a sputtering sound from directly above him.
“This can’t be good,” he thinks as the helicopter plummets out of the sky. It lands squarely on his head, killing him instantly. The tail section lands on Mary, taking her out too.
“Well, at least things can’t get any worse,” the newly-dead Todd thinks.
The fool. Little did he know…
that another check he forgot to write was his tithe to the church. Out of the corner of his eye, newly dead Todd saw what looked like a man with horns coming out of his head …
…but which Todd realized were just the dreadlocks of the doctor that now stood over him. “You almost died, mon.” he said as Todd began to wake up. “We think you are going to be okay, but, to be sure, I’m going to give you a shot of…”
‘…a shot of morphine, to make the pain away, mon.’ But immediately after injecting Todd did the doctor realize that he had actually given Todd a shot of paint thinner. The doctor told Todd that there was only one cure…
…that, of course was a shot of paint. Not pretty paint either. Institutional Green. It was all they had.
“Urgh”, gurgled Todd, turning green all over. “I feel awful. What kind of doctor are you, anyway?”
“Well, mon”, chortled the doctor, “I’m not really a doctor at all. In fact, I’m really…”
Maury Pauvich
Todd gaped at him as people rushed over with chairs and grabbed Mary from him, and propped her up in one of them. Someone dressed like a nurse rushed over to her, and stuck a needle in her, and while Todd asked if she should be doing that, Mary opened her eyes for the first time since being nearly electricuted that morning. Todd was astonished that she seemed even more dazed than they did. While Maury told the film crew that they needed to wait for the other guests, the nurse stitched up Todd’s arm, and had one of the stage guys yank the high heel out of his chest to close that wound up too. Todd was beginning to think that Maury was the most wonderful person he ever met when Tom and Mr Handsome took seats next to him and Mary.
Maury smiled and said “Today we have a couple her who is going to find out the paternity of their unborn child. Is it Mary’s husband’s baby? His brother’s baby? Or that gentleman over there that she met while secretly working at a strip club without her husband’s knowledge? We’ll find out today.” Tom looked at Mary in shock. She seemed to be embarassed. " Mary, please tell us your story."
she smiled apologetically at Tom and said…
“Todd, we may have lived together as man and wife for these 8 years… but… (Mary wipes a tear from her eye) I’m NOT REALLY HUMAN!” as she rips the incredibly life-like and realistic mask from her “face” to reveal…
that she is really Tom Cruise.
“All those rumors about me being gay are true.” he/she says. “And also the ones about what Scientology is really all about.”
“…aah, I’m just kidding,” Tom said. He grabbed at his neck and pulled another mask off to reveal Mary’s face. This has all been a big practical joke honey. Happy anniversary." she said and kissed him.
“Anniversary?” Todd said. “But I thought it was…”
But I thought it was…my OTHER wife’s anniversary…oh wait, no that’s not for another…
few weeks, Tom said. Suddenly Todd stands up and throws a chair at him screaming " You married my wife too?! I can’t believe you! What about Kim and your 12 children?"
Just then Tom’s wife and dozen children run in screaming and beat him to death with the chair. One of the stage crew comes in with a hose and cleans the place up while members of the studio audience chats with each other.
" Well," Tom tells himself, out loud and front of a million viewers, " At least my wife isn’t a bigamist any more."
" Actually," Mr Handsome interupts…