And it came to pass that a client said unto SyphiliticDonkeyRaping Systems, “Lo, we are in grave need of an e-commerce
website; build it for us, and we will gift you with many shekels, well, some shekels at least.”
But when the programmers beheld the functional spec, they were sore afraid, and they said, “How can we do this? For
we are as yet but a brochureware house, putting out pictures of kitchen utensils and kinky underwear, and we know
naught of e-commerce.”
So those who ruled SyphiliticDonkeyRaping Systems said unto their minions, “Go ye from hence even unto the place that
is called Oxford JobCentre, and bring back a coder who can do this site. And ye shall know this coder by these signs;
he shall be wise in the ways of database design, he shall be skilled in the black arts of Microsoft that men call
COM+, and, above all, he shall be in dire need of a job and willing to work for cheap.”
And thus it was that the one called Steve came unto SyphiliticDonkeyRaping Systems.
And Steve spake unto the programmers, saying things like “bleurgh” and “ughh” and “where’s my coffee?”, for it was as
yet but the dawn of the morning, and Steve was not a morning person.
But they brought him coffee, whereupon he was refreshed, and spake again unto the programmers, saying:
“O ye that have wisdom, hear me, and hearken unto my words.”
“Follow ye the ways of the coding standards, lest your work be confounded with errors.”
“Let your code be full of comments, that it may be understood by those who come after, even unto the third
generation.”
“Name ye your variables, even according to the Lesczynski-Reddick naming conventions, that their meaning be not
obscured.”
“And attempt ye not any grievous hack, even one that ye know works. For in the fullness of time shall the development
environment change, and what works now may not then, and thus may all such hacks fall into confusion.”
And for a time the programmers heeded the wise words of Steve, and they prospered. And they built a website for the
client, and the client looked on it and saw that it was good.
But then the programmers turned aside from the commandments of Steve, and they forgot to pay him, and they set a
crazed Australian in authority over him, that his woes might be without number.
And it came to pass, in the time that is called Routine System Maintenance and Upgrades, that one programmer spake
privily unto another, saying:
“Wherefore do we follow the coding standards and the commandments of Steve? For lo, I have here a hack, that will get
these pages working in no time. Shall we not use this hack, and get our work done quicker?”
And the other programmer concurred. And they did implement their hack, and did straightway go off to play Unreal
Tournament.
Now, it came to pass that the website prospered greatly, and the client did win an award for it. And the programmers
heard of the award, and they spake honeyed words of it unto the recruitment agencies. And so the programmers pissed
off; yea, even unto better-paid jobs did they piss off. And Steve was left alone, and he laboured mightily.
And the client now spake unto SyphiliticDonkeyRaping Systems, saying:
“Behold, this our website prospereth greatly, and the traffic upon it exceedeth the capacity of the server. Therefore
let it be rebuilt, and let it be placed upon a faster machine, and let it be implemented under Win2K and IIS 5.0, that
it may be fleet as the deer in the meadows.”
(At which Steve said privily unto himself, “Whom thinkest thou that thou art kidding?”)
And so a new machine came to the website, and Win2K also, and IIS 5.0 came with it, and upon its face were many
security patches.
And IIS 5.0 beheld the hack, that the programmers had wrought, and it spake, saying:
“Nay, nay, and thrice nay!” (For IIS 5.0 speaketh in a voice like unto Frankie Howerd in Up Pompeii. Deal with
it.) “This thy hack is loathsome in my sight, and thereby shall your website be confounded! For it is a dreadful
sight - haha! Sight? Site? Get it? Oh, please yourselves…”
Whereat the client and his cohorts rent their garments and beat their breasts. (Personally, I buy my garments and
beat my — but that’s another story.) And they cried unto Steve for succour.
And Steve opened the page files, and beheld the hack, and said – well, we won’t go into what he said, it wasn’t very
nice. But he sighed, and told the client that he would fix it, whereupon the client grew calm and said, “We want it
done yesterday,” as is the way of clients.
Now, when he looked upon the code, Steve realised that the programmers had been twice foolish. For they had forgotten
his wise words concerning hacks, which was one foolish thing, but they had remembered his wise words concerning
comments, which, in these circumstances, was another foolish thing. For Steve looked upon their initials and their
spelling mistakes, and thereby knew at once exactly who it was who had wrought the hack.
And Steve said unto himself, “Lo, although these two are gone from SyphiliticDonkeyRaping Systems, yet may I come upon
them, in the town or in the fields.”
“And when I do, I will kick their worthless arses from here to Bettws-y-fucking-Coed.”
Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Steve,I will repay.
