And it came to pass that a client came unto SyphiliticDonkeyRaping Systems and said, “Lo,we are upgrading our e-commerce operation, and need a test environment built, which will be like unto the existing setup, except with upgrades, or maybe not, it all kind of depends, really.”
And they that ruled SyphiliticDonkeyRaping Systems said unto themselves, "Behold, this client has many shekels; yet they are a client of the tribe that is called Clueless Muppets, and dealing with them will need cunning and skill.
“Therefore, send forth the one that is called Steve unto them, that he may minister unto their needs and give them succour.”
So Steve was sent forth, and he did journey to the east, yea, even past the Oxford ring road, unto the shabby warehouse that was the place of the client.
And Steve said unto the client, "Behold, here are thy specification documents for thy project; and see, here, where one has set his mark upon them, and here another has set his mark upon them contrariwise, and here a third has done likewise, and a fourth, and a fifth, until all the requirements have fallen into confusion, and every thing is as clear as mud.
“Therefore tell me, o thou client, which is the definitive version of thy specification document?”
And the client answered unto Steve, “We know not.”
And Steve sighed, and said unto the client, “Fear not, for I am wise in the ways of requirements capture and analysis, and I will go forth among your coders and your users, and in this wise know how your system worketh, and which is truly the statement of requirements.”
So Steve went forth among the coders and the users, and asked them how their system worked. And some of the coders and the users were sore afraid, and hid from him; and some of the coders and the users were not sore afraid, but hid from him anyway, because they were gits. But Steve knew well the ways of the users, and soon was able to know in good sooth what were the requirements of the system.
And Steve said unto the client, “Lo, this is thy specification document, this and no other, and we shall heed its commandments.”
And the client said, “Oh, yes, that one, we knew it all the time.”
And Steve said unto the client, “Lo, this thy system has many bespoke applications, and requirements for specialized hardware also. Where is thy documentation, that all these features may be installed and tested before the development environment comes on line?”
And the client answered unto Steve, “We know not.”
And Steve sighed heavily, and said unto the client, “Then I will search amid thy network, and seek out the setup files and the associated documents; and I shall go forth amid thy hardware and build test-bed systems, even according to the product documentation, and all will be well.”
So Steve did ferret mightily among the files on the network, and did discover most of the missing applications documentation, saving only that for a bunch of encrypted ASP source code files, whereof the developer was long gone, leaving behind not hide, nor hair, nor extended software support and maintenance agreement.
And Steve did unscrew things, and screw them back together, and build systems, that the specialist application software might be tested, even according to the product documentation.
And Steve did say privily unto himself, “I did two master’s degrees so that I wouldn’t have to hump heavy stuff around and wave things over barcode scanners, talk about irony.”
Now, in the fullness of time, all the bespoke applications were tested, and the hardware set up correctly. And so Steve went unto the client and said, “Lo, all things are now in readiness. Therefore, bring forth thy main development servers for this environment, that I may set upon them the mark of Beelzebub, which the unwary call Windows 2000 Advanced Server. For behold, the day draweth nigh that is called Planned Project Delivery Date, and thy server room is still barren as a field stricken with locusts. Where are thy servers, that I might build them?”
And the client answered unto Steve, “We know not.”
And Steve waxed exceeding wroth, and said unto the client, “Is there any thing, that thou knowest?”
And the client answered unto Steve, “Lo, one thing know we, above all things and before all things.”
And Steve said unto the client, “What is this one thing that thou knowest, above all things and before all things?”
And the client answered unto Steve, “We know that, whatever we want, we want it done yesterday.”
For such is the way of clients, and ever was, and ever will be, in saecula saeculorum, amen.
And Steve wept.
