My girlfriend, who can be somewhat impulsive, has a frustrating tendency to buy things rather close to her birthday/xmas. This means if I or her friends had already gotten it, we have to exchange it to find something else. Since she is also extremely particular about the gift itself (down to the store it was purchased from) it makes her nigh-impossible to shop for.
It seems her parents, in an effort to get her exactly what she wants, will basically ask her what she wants, then if she says something they approve of (financially) she’ll get it right then and there, and during birthday/xmas they’ll write her a check to comp her. This, to me, is rather un-gift like and honestly just makes it harder for the other people in her life to give her what she wants. She has spent many years under this system so its somewhat challenging to bring this up in a nice way that will get her to be sincere in maybe holding off buying anything until after christmas. Any advice?
The policy in my house growing up that a month before my birthday (early november) thru Christmas I couldn’t buy anything for myself, especially not something I’d put on my list. I think it’s pretty reasonable, myself. Adds to the excitement of present-opening.
You might ask your g/f in future years to not buy anything after she’s given you her list or for a set time period before gift giving occasions. As far as persuading her to reign herself in, you might make it a plea suggesting her buying habits are endangering whatever holiday spirit may exist in yourself and her friends, and add unneeded stress to an already busy season.
This year, I had a list, and sent it to my wife. Then forgot what was on it, and bought not one, not two, but THREE of the items on the list.
As it happens, the list I sent her had an item on it (the first one I bought), that MY copy of the list did not have. And the last modified date of that file on my work PC was BEFORE the timestamp on the email to her that had my list. So how the item got on the list, I have no idea.
I was in a fair bit of trouble, and have been put on an absolute spending moratorium until after Xmas… I am not even allowed to buy things that no-one else knows I might even be interested in.
Get her things that she will HATE. Not just in an “oh, how nice” way - things that she will be offended to keep in the house. (For reference, try a set of salt and pepper shakers shaped like tits. Possibly a singing fish clock.)
Your line is: “I knew I you’d need to return anything I got you, so I opted for something that I’d get the most mileage out of before you did.”
Don’t plan on getting any nookie for six months - but by the time the next occasion rolls around, I bet she gives you at least one thing she’ll like on a list she doesn’t buy from.
My father is absolutely not allowed to buy anything for himself (except of course for necessities- toothpaste and such are ok) in the months before his birthday or Christmas.
I solve this problem by simply giving the duplicate item. If I shop within a month of a holiday/birthday, I don’t “re-shop.” After all, aren’t we all trained that it’s the thought that counts? Well, I thought. And I planned. If there are no consequences, people don’t change their behavior. Getting gifts that duplicate things you just purchased yourself is an appropriate consequence.
If I had seen this thread when it first came up, that would have been my response too. If the person can’t show some consideration for the fact that it takes effort to find a gift and that it’s a hassle to have to return it, they deserve to get a duplicate gift.
I come from a non-gift-giving family. My policy is that if I want something, I buy it. If I’m with someone who wants something, and want to make it a gift, I buy it for them.
I simply don’t honor specific days as reasons to spend money. If people are important enough to me, I should do something for them whenever it makes sense, not just one day a year.
I was explaining this to a friend at work the other day. His response was “What a shame!” I had a hard time making him realize that it worked for me this way - why would I be happier knowing that someone bought something that I want…but that I couldn’t actually have it yet?
My advice - honor your girlfriend’s traditions, and don’t try to change it. Just because you enjoy buying something and waiting to give it to her doesn’t mean it works the same way for her.
I’m similar - not huge on gifts - although not so extreme. And I agree, follow her parents pattern. She doesn’t want surprises, she doesn’t want to deal with things she doesn’t want. Accept this about her (you might want to talk about it) and move on.
On the plus side, you won’t have to buy her a lot of surprise jewelry she doesn’t ever wear to keep her happy.
(And I HATE the fact that my mother in law pities me because when my birthday rolls around I want it to be mostly ignored. I certainly don’t want a bunch of gifts I don’t want. This isn’t a shame, its just different than what YOU want.)
For me, I get the same things every year. My mother gives me a Reed and Barton silver sleigh bell for my Christmas tree. My husband has started to give me a Chamilla charm or two for my bracelet. My kids give me a basket of bath and body works stuff (that my daughter uses). I like it this way - and perhaps a good compromise is to suggest some sort of collectible. I get what I want, I feel no guilt over being “difficult to buy for,” and they all get to give me presents.
In many families, gifts from parents are a time for some polite income re-distribution. When the kids are a bit too old to justify giving them cash to supplement their lifestyle, Christmas can be a handy excuse to give them the things they want and can’t easily afford on their own. It’s not really supposed to function like a traditional “gift”…it’s meant to be a handy cover for giving them cash. I know that is how Christmas operates in our family…the grandparents want to share their nestegg with their adult kids, and if they handed over cash the kids would refuse and say “I work, I can afford my own stuff.” So everyone just pretends like it’s about Christmas and everyone leaves happy. Some families have a little system like that. I wouldn’t hold that against her.
As for your own gift, how hard can it be to think outside of the box? Instead of giving her something she wants, find something she didn’t even know she wanted. There are thousands of books out there, at least a few of which she might enjoy but wouldn’t think to buy for herself. Or try some really nice, high quality bath stuff (I’m a fan of Lush cosmetics.) Or one of millions of other things. Surely you know your girlfriend enough to know what kind of things she might enjoy but wouldn’t get on her own.
I have no advice for the OP but much sympathy, since it appears that via some warphole in the universe he is somehow dating my father-in-law.
** checks thread date **
Oops.
Hey OP: y’all still together? Let’s use this as an excuse for a lil’ update.
And I planned. If there are no consequences, people don’t change their behavior. Getting gifts that duplicate things you just purchased yourself is an appropriate consequence.