Fuck corporate training videos

[asahi]

Dear DCnDC,

Our records indicate that you have not completed the mandatory training video Why_Training_Videos_Are_Kewl. You have until 11:59 p.m. on 1/31/01 to complete this required training.

All the best,
Your Human Resources Department

p.s. You will not laugh. You will not cry. You will complete the damn training!

[msmith537]

@Melbourne

@msmith537

Unless you have one of the few jobs that actually requires intelligence and/or creativity - like actually designing new products, writing complex software, or something artistic - most corporate jobs are basically being a carbon-based cog in a complex machine that can’t (yet) be replaced by automation.

Based on time spent consulting in small corporate offices, I formed a similar theory. With few exceptions, nobody in junior management knows how to manage.

People who are good at something else observe or attempt management, realize that they aren’t any good at it, and move to jobs they are good at. People who aren’t good at anything else go into management streams, and never come to the realization that they are bad at management.

Also… how incredibly important is sleeping or smoking or drinking or going to school with the right people.

I would take it a step further and say that most of them don’t have to “manage” anything of consequence. Especially at large companies. I don’t know how many times I’ve talked to people who don’t speak with their direct manager more than twice a year.

[begbert2]

@Saint_Cad

I won’t even give the question, just the answers. See if you can answer correctly.

a) taste it
b) see if it is flammable with your lighter
c) put it in your eyes
d) clean it with a level 7 solvent wearing a safety jacket and nitrile safety gloves covered with the GS-62 leather safety gloves, report it to the Health Safety Officer and note your actions in the safety log

The question is “What should you do if you have found that your co-worker has left an unattended pudding in the company fridge?”, isn’t it?

[DPRK]

@Aspidistra

have become aware that there’s a substance called lupin which is a common enough allergen for some people to care about.

I typically encounter cans of this allergen in the grocery store next to the corn and the baked beans. Is there something we should know about?

[Aspidistra]

@DPRK

I typically encounter cans of this allergen in the grocery store next to the corn and the baked beans. Is there something we should know about?

Apparently so. I had literally not known that lupin was a thing (apart from a Harry Potter character)

Lupin food allergy - Australasian Society of Clinical Immunology and Allergy...

[a6ka97]

Due to covid my employer “upgraded” their monthly safety videos and test to being on a computer in a kiosk. It has the timer so you can’t jump ahead to the questions until it thinks you had time to read it, must be set up for 3rd grade readers. 10 minutes of my time is now 25+.

Did have a safety manger for a few years with a sense of humor and enjoyed the Steve Jessup scissors lift videos.

Also the Charlie Morecraft fire safety videos really get the point across.

[Precambrianmollusc]

If anyone has seen the set of training videos with the fictitious GlobeCo company they are hilarious in their badness.

This however was a fun one on appropriate expenses

A Few Good Expenses

[DCnDC]

Occasionally there’s one question in the quiz that’s oddly, technically specific, like, “What is the law or regulation that requires you to do X and Y?” and then four options of obtuse, similar looking governmental codes. I think these are thrown in every now and then just to check if you were actually paying attention.

[Atamasama]

@Aspidistra

@DPRK

I typically encounter cans of this allergen in the grocery store next to the corn and the baked beans. Is there something we should know about?

Apparently so. I had literally not known that lupin was a thing (apart from a Harry Potter character)

Then you do not know the legends of Dennis Moore?!?!

Monty Python - Dennis Moore - video Dailymotion

[running_coach]

@Steve_MB

I just finished our annual idiotic “security training” videos. Fortunately, they don’t stop you from skipping ahead directly to the quiz (with challenging questions like "Should you plug a thumb drive you found in the parking lot into your work computer?), and mark the course as “completed” for the records. -

Better than plugging it into my home computer. What do you think you pay IT for?

[digs]

@Steve_MB

“Should you plug a thumb drive you found in the parking lot into your work computer?”

A. YES, if it has Cyrillic writing on the outside.

[Steve_MB]

@digs

A. YES, if it has Cyrillic writing on the outside.

B. YES, so I can see if it has any pictures with nekkid b00bies.

[Filbert]

I’m currently in the middle of doing a huge range of training videos online for a new job. I have one more to watch- it’s about how to not get TB from cows.

My job in no way involves dealing with cows, in any way, shape or form. Not even in the canteen, seeing as I’m vegetarian.

I did send an email questioning the need for this, as well as pointing out that the ‘health and safety quiz’ claimed that correct answer regarding the person responsible for dealing with a certain regulation was a role that does not exist in the department I’m in.

I wait with interest to see if that triggers any kind of sensible response.

[BrickBat]

@Filbert

I wait with interest to see if that triggers any kind of sensible response.

I feel your pain. Expect it to be “My boss says you have to do those training modules. If you don’t, It’s curtains for me. So do your CBT”.

[Yosh99]

We used to have monthly safety training videos most of which I think were produced in the 1950’s and 60’s. Typically they would feature some kind of machinist in a tool shop working with dangerous equipment. You just knew that at some point the guy was going to lose his finger or an eye in a horrible accident. I’d sit there and cringe throughout these dreadful films waiting for the calamity.

Oddly, I worked in a chemical R&D facility and never once did we have a safety film on hazardous chemicals or anything relevant.

[carrps]

@Aspidistra

Apparently so. I had literally not known that lupin was a thing (apart from a Harry Potter character)

I was thinking lupin was a flower but then I remembered it was spelled with an ‘e’ on the end – lupine.

[carrps]

@Yosh99

You just knew that at some point the guy was going to lose his finger or an eye in a horrible accident. I’d sit there and cringe throughout these dreadful films waiting for the calamity.

Ugh, I just had flashbacks to the drunk driving videos (actually, I think they were films…I’m old) they made us watch in high school. Red Asphalt was a rite of passage.

[Atamasama]

@carrps

I was thinking lupin was a flower but then I remembered it was spelled with an ‘e’ on the end – lupine.

The flowering legume in question can be spelled with or without an “e” at the end. The funny thing is that supposedly spelling it with a trailing “e” is most often seen in North America (I assume the US and Canada) but I can only remember it being spelled as “lupin” despite living in the US my whole life.

The name of the plant is derived from Latin meaning “wolfish”.

https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/lupin

[mhendo]

@Atamasama

The flowering legume in question can be spelled with or without an “e” at the end.

Interesting. In Australia, it was always just “lupin.” I’d never seen it with an “e” before.

[Maserschmidt]

After I announced my retirement I stopped taking these things. That generated a growing string of “this is your second warning, this is your third warning” etc emails to me and my boss, but I never took them, and he never said anything, so it was a good outcome all around.