Yes, fuck you in the ass with a nice rusty chainsaw. All the chemicals in the world don’t seem to able to fight you. You lurk in the shadows and then pounce, stealing what little joy I get out of my days and turning me into a whimpering ball of weakness. FUCK YOU. I’ve spent my whole adult life watching people die and so now you grab me by the shoulders, laugh in my face and scream LOOKY HERE! YOU’RE NEXT!!! HAHAHAHA!
Asshole!
Yes, I know I’m making huge life changes. I know I’m leaving my wife and children for 9 months to go do something I’m not even sure I want to do. So fucking what? Is that not better than sitting on my ass for the rest of my life? Going crazy? Why in the name of God can’t you just let me be?! I spent MONTHS dealing with you last winter, but oh no, you aren’t waiting till winter sets in to attack me this time around, are you? Go straight for the jugular, I see. Shithead.
I can’t sleep. I can’t make myself do the dishes or clean the bathroom or mow the grass or pack for my new flat. I sit in a creaky recliner during the day and do… nothing. You take that opportunity to infiltrate my precious brain with your evil and your hate. You fucking monster. I hate you. I hate you. I HATE YOU.
I want to go to bed but I am literally terrified of the dark.
I sympathize. If it’s any help, I can tell you I’ve had periods of my life as bad with anxiety as that, and it got better. I’ve even made at least one thread here pretty much this one. It helped me a bit to realize that more relaxed days were ahead.
Exercise, good night’s sleep, drink water, keep your tummy full. The “good” thing about clinical anxiety is that you know in the back of your head that things are actually as bad as your stupid body are making them out to be. And having done it before you know it’ll get better.
Take care of yourself while you ride out that storm!
Thank you all for your encouragement. Riding the storm is the hard part. I have a few Dopers past and present on FB, and I know some of them go through this on a somewhat regualar basis. I know I’m not alone, and that this is an issue with my head. Still, it’s hard to deal with.
Last winter I came very, very close to ending it. Closer than I admitted to anyone. I ended up seeing a therapist, who taught me some good CBT techniques. However, in the middle of an attack they don’t do shit.
I’ve been a hospice worker since I was 19. My PCP and two therapists diagnosed me as having a form of PTSD called Vicarious Trauma. Not sure if I buy that, but the symptoms do seem to fit.
This Sunday I’ll be moving from my little town of 4K people to the middle of downtown Portland, a city of 600K. Bigger than Atlanta, bigger than Cleveland, bigger than Pittsburgh. I’m selling my car to finance the move. My wife and two kids will be staying here for another year while she finishes school at the local community college. Evrything in my life is changing.
I’m so terrified that all the shit I went through last winter will come back in force, worse than what I experienced then.
I sympathize as well. Anxiety is no fun. I second ZipperJJ’s advice, particularly when it comes to sleep. At least half of my battle with anxiety is having a good sleep schedule and proper sleep hygiene. I always recommend CBT, and am glad to hear that you have had some success with it, but not every technique works for everyone. I didn’t have much success with CBT until I tried the techniques in Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman (heh, Amazon tells me that I purchased this book on November 18, 2008. I consider 2008 to be the year my life completely turned around, and that is not a coincidence). Others do better with Feeling Good by David Burns.
Keep working, keep fighting, keep learning. Get up and do something, anything. All advice given here is spot-on. If your insurance offers classes, get enrolled posthaste. Learning with the support of others in the same boat is super helpful.
Don’t give up, be proactive. Easiest thing for we sufferers of anxiety and depression is to give up, say nothing works. Just taking ownership and repeating things we’ve been taught can give us a little distance from the symptoms.
What works for me during an attack is counter intuitive. I stop fighting the anxiety, stop trying to ignore it or distract myself from it and above all stop fighting it. Instead I let the anxiety fill me up and experience it in full… And it gets old. First a little voice pipes up “Bored now.” “Can we do something else?” Wanna read my book, do the washing up even go out!
I am applying a technique that I learned for physical pain. If it doesn’t work for you then I hope you find something that does.
I’m reading a book called “Feeling Good” by David Burns. It’s on cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s very early days but…it feels like it could work on my crippling anxiety. Perhaps you could give it, or CBT itself, a whirl. It certainly can’t hurt, as at the very least you’ll learn something about why you are so anxious.
Portland OR? Portland is awesome and very, very, very easy to get away from if you need to get to rural and away from the city for awhile. Most of Oregon is rural. I lived outside of Portland until recently and miss it desperately. And we’ve got Dopers on the Board who are still in the area. Between us we can help you get oriented.
It is completely overwhelmingly to undertake a big move like yours. Hang in there.
No advice here, just sympathy. Hang in there, Lancia. I’m thinking good thoughts for you and hoping that one of the recommended techniques helps to get you back on your feet and breathing more easily.
Good luck with the move, Lancia. Change is scary. You’re sacrificing a good bit for the chance at a better future. Keep us posted on the progress!
And remember, SDMB has more than it’s share of programmers to help you understand things. I know things are slow getting started, but my e-mail box is always open to you if you need help.
I don’t know if it would qualify as a CBT technique but one thing I try to do for anxiety or depression is simply stay busy, wash the dishes, take the dog for a walk, etc. You are right, sometimes you can’t really fight it off, so try to distract yourself from it instead.
Well, I’ve arrived in Portland and settled into my new flat.
School starts a week from tomorrow. My family is 3 hours away. I’ve nothing to do but wait. I barely, but barely held it together last night. My kids were crying, I was crying… this sucks.
The low-level unease I can deal with with. It’s the OMG I’M GONNA DIE RIGHT NOW feelings that just about do me in.