Fuck you, bicycle. A poem.

Fuck you, bicycle.

A poem by Influential Panda

Fuck you, bicycle
I spent five hundred dollars on you
What the fuck is a presta valve?
I hate Allen and his wrench
Fuck you, bicycle

You were supposed to be fun
My legs hurt
I’ll save money on gas!
I spent five hundred dollars on you

Fuck you, bicycle
I got you from a shop
Four flats in a month.
My feet hurt from walking

Fuck you, bicycle. I’m driving.

huh, I’d check your rims, look into rim strips or better tires. You can get a little Schraeder/presta adapter that screws onto the stem and stays there. Prestas hold air better than the Schraeders.

Get your self a decent set of Bondhus allen wrenches with the balls at the ends, they make all the difference in the world.

When I saw this, I expected a rant on the foolishness of putting the high bar on the boy’s bike. That day will come.

I’m guessing the flats are caused by insufficient tire pressure. You’ve got to check the pressure once a week or so, and top off if necessary. Otherwise when the wheel hits a bump or pothole, the tube gets pinched and punctured.

I find Presta valves are easier to use than Schrader. You can get pumps with both connectors from any bike shop.

I swear I’m gonna try solid rubber tires sometime, and nobody can stop me by saying things like “That’s a bad idea.” BWAHAHAHA!

Don’t let me stop you but it IS a bad idea. I’ve been repairing bicycles for a living for thirty-mumble years and have never seen a solid tyre that handled as well as an airfilled one.
Usually they are too hard and feels like you are driving on ice. You will get problems with broken spokes and rims which is a lot more expensive than repairing a flat.
Get some better tyres with punctureprotection and check the pressure often. I usually change my tyre and tube when I get two punctures in a month. It may be bad luck but usually the tyre is worn.

When I saw the curse of presta and the mention of four flats, I came to the exact same conclusion. As a bonus Panda, if your tires are inflated to the right pressure, it is much easier to ride. As a test, drive your car to a nice flat parking lot, put it in Neutral, and get out and push it. Then decrease the tire pressure by half and try to push it. Fully inflated tires roll much easier.

Well, the title alerted you to the fact it was a poem - but neglected to point out it’s one of those new-fangled, non-rhyming, lame ones. In keeping with the MPSIMy tradition…

Fuck you, high bar
My ball sack is now crushed
One minor slip off the pedal, and now I sing soprano?
Lance Armstrong’s malignancy hurt less than this
Fuck you, high bar

You were supposed to be fun
My nads hurt
Pedaling meant saving on gas!
Not shooting blanks if I’m ever able to ejaculate again

Fuck you, high bar
And Schwinn or Ross or whomever designed you
I’m no longer a man
Do the Italians still employ eunuch opera stars?

Fuck you, high bar. I’m driving.

I do like my kevlar tires. Course, I ride a converted mountain bike (preshocks) so weight isn’t so much an option as an assumption, but I don’t get normal flats anymore.

Here’s a better idea. Find a gas station with an air hose. Push your car with properly inflated tires. Deflate by half. Then try to push it. Then re-inflate.

(I’m a little worried about how the Panda is going to drive home from the parking lot.)

It’s just the front tubes, strangely enough. The back tube hasn’t had a single problem since I bought it. Since I keep them both equally inflated, surely it can’t be pressure, right?

Also, This thing is brand new, so I really doubt it’s the tire causing trouble.

You’re probably right. If you’re inflating the tires properly and still getting repeated flats, the next thing I’d suspect would be a problem with the rim or rim tape, or possibly something stuck on the tire. You might want to remove the tube and make sure there are no sharp objects anywhere - e.g. rim tape not covering the edge of a spoke hole properly, sharp burrs on the rim, glass shard stuck on the tire, etc.

Who fixed the flats, and how? it should be easy to determine the cause of the flat by looking at the hole (or holes) in the tube. If it’s a single hole on the outside (tire side), it’s most likely something sharp penetrating the tire. You should inspect the corresponding spot on the tire and make sure there isn’t a sharp object still embedded in the tire. If the hole is on the inside (rim side), check the corresponding spot on the rim. If it’s a pair of holes (“snakebite”), it’s most likely a pinch flat. If you’re inflating the tires properly and are still getting pinch flats, you need to take more care not to ride over potholes.

Speaking of tire inflation, does anyone else miss those old air pumps they had at gas staions? You would crank a handle to select the pressure then fill up your tire. You didn’t have to deal with that stupid stick thing. They also chimed while you filled up and stopped chiming when the tire was at the right pressure. I wonder if I could buy one of those and put it in front of my house with a donation csn? Here is an example.

I like your poem.

They have digital versions of those at most of the gas stations around here now.

I also like your poem. I get angry with my bike too but I inevitably get angrier when I use the alternatives (walking, public transit, driving).

If it still hurts to ride it, make sure it’s fitted properly. Take it back to the bike shop and make sure the seat and handlebars are set up appropriately for you. For instance, in order to be comfortable, I need my seat to be positioned in a way that most consider to be a very strange angle. Also, a lot of novice riders start with their seat too low while they’re getting comfortable on the streets. Make sure it’s at the right height, so your leg is almost completely straight when you pedal down - it might seem too high but it makes a huge difference.

Also make sure it’s well oiled, particularly the chain. If you hear any squeaking at all when you ride, you need oil.

I see Bondhus allen wrenches here: http://hand-tools.hardwarestore.com/22-413-allen-wrench-sets/ball-driver-wrench-set-255521.aspx. Are these the type you are referring to? How do the balls make a difference?

If your knees are hurting, you might want to try using a lower gear. A lot of new riders (myself included) use too high a gear at first, either because they think it’s a better workout or simply because it feels do-able until the pain kicks in much later. Pedalling faster in a lower gear will be easier on your knees, get you there just as fast, and give you a good cardio workout.

Raising your seat a bit may also help if you’re bringing your legs up too high.

Yeah, but you don’t want oil on your chain, because the cleaning involved is a pain in the ass. What you want is something like this, a wax-based self-cleaning lube. It works better and is far easier to deal with (since cleaning the chain is much less important).

Don’t you mean a higher gear? You pedal slower in lower gears.