Fuck You Chrysler and Your

Goddamned Stupid Crammed-In-the-Left-Front-Bumper Batteries.

Fucker!

Oh, and give me goddamned amp, volt, oil pressure and oil temp guages, you shitheads.

Fucking car drops d-e-a-d in the 3rd lane of a major highway, AAA flatbeds me to a generic parts superstore, where they have a replacement battery, but I have to replace it?!

And how, might you ask, does one replace this fucker? And without a lift?

Step 1) Jack up the car, in the lot.
Step 2) Remove the front left tire.
Step 3) Remove all the weird housing/shroud bits that seal the tire from the rest of the car. This involves guessing the sizes of the assorted bits, screw and bolts.
Step 4) Unbolt the d-e-a-d battery, again guessing the sizes of the assorted fucking bits, screws and bolts.
Step 5) Wrestle the dead battery out of its’ Goddamned Stupid Crammed-In-the-Left-Front-Bumper-Cavity.
Step 6) Stick the new, not-dead goddamned battery into the Goddamned Stupid Crammed-In-the-Left-Front-Bumper-Cavity.
Step 7) Replace all of the assorted fucking screws, bits and bolts.
Step 8) Replace the left tire.
Step 9) Get the Alternator checked later.
Step 10) Have my usual place tighten up the shroud/shielding for the Goddamned Stupid Crammed-In-the-Left-Front-Bumper-Cavity.

Well, that was fun. Really, Chrysler, is this how you instill user loyalty?!

My Chrysler has the battery just forward of the right front tire. Step one, remove wheel :rolleyes:

Not to be outdone, my aunt’s Buick has the battery located under the rear seat.

What the frack were they smokeing?

I’m hoping the Daimler people get all medieval and such on the Chrysler designs and de-fuck them promptly.

They were not smoking anything. It alters the weight and balance of the car. The battery under the seat moves a considerable weight towards the back instead of putting it up front with all the other weight.

You’d be amazed how something that small can affect handling.

The fucking battery, like the $#@! tires, should be readily accessible for replacement and checking. One should not have to partially disassemble the fucking car in order to replace a battery.

Bad.

Design.

Just out of curiosity, what year and model is this Chrysler?

M#s and Miatas have their battery in the trunk for just this reason. The orignal VW Beetles had their battery under the rear seat.

Perhaps you should ask Dr. Z.

Sorry, just kidding, that IS fucked up. The battery should be among the most readily accessible parts of the fucking car.

The average driver trying to get to work doesn’t give a flying fuck if a 30 pound battery effects the handling of the car.

2004 Sebring Verty

She’s a nice car with a nastily-placed battery. At least the alternator checked out. A trunk-based battery would be super nice.

If it’s that hard to get at the battery, is it even possible to jump start the car?

Er… “M3s”

The battery was dead, as in one or more dead cells. A dead battery is more than depleted: it won’t keep a charge, so jumping it is pointless. My car has readily accessible “remote posts” that permit alternator testing and jump starting.

Even so, at some point, you have to actually change the fucker. At ~106,000+ miles and three years, battery death isn’t unexpected. The alternator checks out all happy and shit, so it was a matter of the battery dying.

It should not require the vehicle operator close to two hours to replace a battery. Fucking Chrysler does not even cover the procedure in the owner’s manual, and does not document the sizes of the screws and bolts. I should not have to fucking change the goddamned tire and partially fucking dismantle the front left portion of the car in order to change a dead battery.

Changing a battery should take ~twenty fucking minutes, and that includes figuring out which fucking size wrench is needed for the bolts, and to recall the mnemonic “Left Loosy, Righty Tighty” to remember which way to push/pull the wrench or torque the sockets to get the battery mounting off.

There are positive and negative posts that link to the battery under the hood in a relatively easy place to locate them. The battery placement is following what NASCAR currently does. I have no idea why.

Yeah, but you’re talking a * Buick * here. No one buys a Buick because of its sports-car like handling. Actually, the only reason I can think of why someone buys a Buick is that their Dad bought a Buick and his Dad before that.

Yeah, there should be a special shout-out to the cars that put the oil filter in some inaccessible spot on the far side of the engine as well. That’s actually caused me to cross certain cars off my to-buy list. If the engineers can’t figure out how to position frequently servicable parts in convenient locations, who knows what else they screwed up?

Sebring is the NASCAR car. There may be sacrifices in the car to get it to adhere to NASCAR standards. The-o-retically (rolleyes), they’re stock cars, after all.

Sebring is not a make in NASCAR. The three makes are the Chevrolet Monte Carlo SS, the Ford Fusion, and the Dodge Charger.

[QUOTE=cerberus]
2004 Sebring Verty QUOTE]

Not that you want to hear this (as you own the car already):

A number of years back, an ex-coworker of mine asked to me to do them the favor of pulling and printing a number of the reviews of that year’s new model: The Sebring. (He thought he wanted to buy one.) I went to about 5 different sites and printed off about 20 pages of specs and reviews… and they were none too kind. The best reviews were polite but not enthusiastic. The worst were scathing.

The Zinger that I still remember years later was the reviewer who said: “When Looks Are All That Matters: The Sebring is clearly designed for the car enthusiast who values style more than engineering…” :eek:

Maybe they’ve come a long way since then, but if your post is any indication, there was a flat-bed involved.

(Look, just be glad they didn’t install a 2.2L turbo time-bomb in it.)

Huh. Why did I think it was? Probably 12 Hours Of.

Hate to tell you this, but that idea was thought up long before the germans bought them out. I remember it being the case on my '95 Cirrus, and they were not bought (sorry, merged, HA!) until 98 or 99.

Inaccessible “consumables” in a car are nothing new. I had a 93 Ford Taurus - on their 3.6 liter engine, it’s essentially impossible to get at the rear spark plugs without removing the engine. Likewise the power steering lines - they’re routed from the pump on the right side of the car, to the back, across the firewall and back up on the left side to the steering rack.

The water pump (not a rare thing to replace) was buried under (IIRC) the timing cover or some such thing that took significant disassembly to reach. Naturally, there are a lot of “this and that” things that might as well be replaced rather than re-assembled when you do this.