Fuck you Coca-Cola

The BBQ Pit
1

My first Pit rant. Judge accordingly.

While studying for my History test last night, at about 11:30 I noticed how thirsty I was. No problem, I thought. Just creep downstairs, grab something from the ol’ fridge, creep back upstairs, consume beverage. Seems easy enough right?

Rest of the family have long since been asleep. I quietly tiptoe down the stairs, and take a step onto the tile kitchen floor. DAMN that shit’s cold. After reviving my toes from severe frostbite, continue trek towards the refrigerator. Proceed to open said door. Hmmm, decisions, decisions. 1/2 carton of milk that expires tomorrow, last bit of flat Mountain Dew in bottle, nothing particularly desirable. Then I spot it. AHAH! A fresh box of 12 Coke cans. Oh sweet sweet Coca-Cola. I worship thee. Good deal, I thought. Pop one of these babies open, refreshment city. At least, you’d think so from the commercials, right?

Place box on kitchen table. Hmmm. Seems to be a new style of box. Seen these on the ads, called “Dispenser Boxes” or something inane like that. So, directions seem simple enough: push down box, pull out to tear perforations. So, what happens when I pull? The glue holding the bottom flaps together decides to break apart. FUCK ME. Each can rolls out of the box and slams into the floor. Great, now I have a fucking 12-piece marching band waltzing through at 11:30 at night. And to add injury to insult, 2 of them land on the same FUCKING TOE! The BASTARDS!

Surveying the damage: 1 can leaking, 4 cans bent beyond recognition, all 12 shook up like hell, 1 toe bruised and bleeding. OK, I thought. Maybe if I just grab a can, toss the other back in the fridge, and dash upstairs no one will wake up and blame me for the earthquake downstairs in the middle of the night. Hobble upstairs, proceed to whip out the medical tape to perform emergency surgery on the offending toe.

And to top it all off, what the fuck do I do now? I forget that the Coke I brought upstairs is shaken up, so when I pop the lid Coke explodes all over me and the keyboard I’m typing this on.

That’s fucking it. Those goat-felching, ass-reaming, cum-chugging Coke execs ARE GOING FUCKING DOWN! DAMN YOU ALL AND YOUR NEW-FANGLED BOXES! JUST GIVE A FUCKING REGULAR BOX DAMMIT! FUCKERS!

::must calm down, must calm down::

2

That’s fucked up.
I used to shake up cans of Coke and put them on a big rock in my back yard and shoot them with my pellet gun.

Explosive fun for the whole family.

3

<giggle>

Lateralus, I hope the toe surgery went well. And the history test.

I must say I find your first pit rant to be highly amusing(with all appropriate condolences to toes and keyboards and sleeping family) and well written. FWIW.

4

Lateralus,

Thanks for my laugh of the day. You are now officially my new favourite newbie ™

Tee hee.

Elly :smiley:

5

i don’t EVER want to hear you say another dispariging word about lovely Coke AGAIN!

now, go clean up the mess and listen to TOOL real loud on your headphones and REPENT!!

6

Pipe down, I own Coke stock. ;j :smiley:

7

Damned funny, Lateralus, well done. I especially liked the “twelve piece marching band”.

Coincidentally, I had the very same trouble with a box of Canada Dry cans just last night. I very rarely buy soda. “Push in here. Tear open at perforation.” Well, it would have helped if the perforations actually weakened the tear-proof structure of the box! What are these boxes made of? The cardboard is bulletproof when dry but dissolves on contact with water, and it’s held together with trick glue that bursts apart at random.

I think I’ll stick with beer.

8

…cuz I have a LOT to bitch about. But, um, pardon my ignorance, how?? I don’t see a “Start a thread” button.

-Syko

“My cat’s breath smells like cat food.” - Ralph Wiggum

9

That was one really fucked up story and I bleed for you(not literally)because a similar thing happened to me. Damn cokes, why do they have to get shaken up so fast?!

10

In the dark blue bar at the top and bottom of each page is a “New Thread” link that lets you create a thread.

11

just hit the “new thread” button. it’s both next to the post button and at the top and bottom of the forum thread lists.

oh yah…

FOOLS! for me there is nothing but the sweet, sweet glories of Red Raspberry Diet Rite…

12

And if you don’t want to start a new thread in The BBQ Pit, then go to the message board where you want to put your new thread and click on the “new thread” button there.:slight_smile:

13

Glahhhhhh…I hear you. But I can’t get it out here!

14

And here I thought that Coca Cola commisioned some future astronauts to blow up stars across the universe to display yet another inane ad slogan in the sky that would last for about a month.

HUGS!
Sqrl

15

I have the same problem all the time with those damn coke boxes! Now, I just stare at them, shake my head and rip off the box top.

16

Similar thing happened to me, not with coke, but with
this particular brand of Icelandic Spring Water™ (i live in iceland).
Both times the aforementioned beverage exploded right into my face,
once in my former office, nearly destroying a ridiculously expensive G4 Mac
(to the dismay of my boss), second time in Copenhagen Airport, to much
amusement of fellow travellers.
And the moral of the story is…hmm, no idea, you tell me.:wink: