We were never really very close, but you were the lover of one of my good friends. I never respected you since you were a drunken lush. I only liked how you made my friend feel. Since you came around I stopped talking to him as much as I wanted to since he was so infatuated with you. That is good. I wish all my friends all the love that they can get. However, this doesn’t excuse your behaviour.
Dirk, why the hell wouldn’t you take your fucking meds?! Why did you insist on going out drinking every fucking night!?! I know we were never really close but fuck you. You let yourself die. You let my friend John whom you were dating go on and live alone because you wouldn’t fucking take care of yourself. John may have been a bit eccentric but he loves you.
You had been positive for how long? 5 to 10 years? You knew that you had to take your medication but you only took it for the first year. You let yourself slowly slip away and started drinking more and more to go into a stupor. I can only recall seeing you sober a handful of times. You were fun to be around then. I am sure John saw you sober more often because I only saw how sad you made him when you wouldn’t act responsibly towards yourself. John is a wreck now because of you. You may have given up on your life but he never did.
Hell, I have plenty of positive friends, including a few that have been positive for nearly 30 years. That puts them in the first wave of HIV. You knew those people too Dirk. You would still be alive if you followed their example.
Last night, James IM’s me from his work and tells me that you died. I am not surprised. Shortly thereafter, T… calls me and tells me that you died. He is part of a mixed HIV couple and his positive lover has been positive and very healthy for 15 years, not that it matters much. It scared T… because he doesn’t want to lose M…, his lover and he sees it as a definate possibility. Then John calls, he is not crying. I think he is in shock. He is very angry. He knew that you allowed yourself to die. He knows all the same people we did. He knows that M… has been positive for a lot longer than you but was always healthier because he takes good care of himself. I can tell John is angry and hurt but he is not going to cry on the phone.
I am not happy to see you gone. You made John very happy. I am not happy that you suffered either. I knew you didn’t take good care of yourself. I just wish you had stopped and listened to those who have cared about you before or after you were positive then maybe you would still be here today.