Fuck You Emergency Broadcast System

The BBQ Pit
1

I like that you’re there, I really do. I don’t mind when you run a test. Please, by all means, make sure your equipment works and can tell me if I have to get the hell out of here when a hurricane is coming.

But fucking A, people, you have been “testing” on my TV for about an hour and a half now. I know that “This is a test. A test of the Georgia Emergency Broadcast System”. I know that. And that’s fine with me. But it’s the same test you ran five minutes ago. And ten minutes ago. And fifteen minutes ago. And at five minute intervals for the past fucking hour and a half.

You even beeped over my favorite part of the ShamWow guy’s new informercial for the SlapChop. I’m seven feet above sea level and the Atlantic is half a mile away. If there’s a hurricane coming, please tell me. That’s information I need to know. But the ShamWow guy is chopping pecans with the SlapChop. He says, and I quote here, “you’re going to love my nuts”. Don’t I need to know that, too?

Emergency Broadcast System, I believe you are doing a disservice to the community. By beeping for the past hour and a fucking half you not only deprive me of idiotic TV, but you also deprive the American citizenry of the opportunity to love the ShamWow guy’s nuts.

2

If you had a SlapChop, you could be slapping your troubles away and this stuff wouldn’t bother you so much.

3

I bet they don’t have this kind of problem in Germany. You know the Germans make good broadcast test equipment.

4

This is so obvious and inevitable I feel a little dirty for posting it.

5

Damn you Smeghead! I was going to post that!