I have been working in Japan for 18 months now, and I am nearly postal. Everything pisses me off now. Especially Harry Truman. Why didn’t you drop about 30 more and really put these cave dwelling assholes back into the Stone Age? If you would have finished the job, I wouldn’t have to be here.
No matter how hard I work at it, this is going to sound racist and bigoted. I truly enjoy many things about Japan; most of the food is actually pretty good, the streets are safe, and the trains run on time. I am making pretty good money.
Everyone I work with is an asshole. This Rant is SPECIFICALLY directed towards the people I work with, or have personal experience with. Assume NO generalizations.
- You lie. Remember how you told me this was only going to be a 4 month project? It was a fucking lie. If I knew I would be here for nearly two years, I would have made an attempt to learn your language. For four months, why bother? But at the end of four months, you needed another three months. Why bother learning the language for only another three months? And another three months, and another…
Since you have made it impractical for me to learn another language, would it kill you to attempt to speak English to me? Everyone I work with is a college graduate; you have to take EIGHT FUCKING YEARS of English to graduate college here. Why is that whenever it is necessary for you to communicate, you magically develop English skills? But when it is important for me to share with you, you get stupid again?
I know you have sold your soul to your employer. He gets you in the building for 70-80 hours a week, you get guaranteed lifetime employment. You have already told me you won’t pay me for more than 50 hours a week, so stop giving me dirty looks when I leave after working 10 hours each day. And no you stupid dedicated fuck, I am not going to come in here on the weekend. And here’s another clue. Rather than going out and getting drunk with your boss before you are allowed to tell him the truth about your project, how about sitting in a meeting and being honest you chickenshit bastard? Also when he tells you to do something really stupid, why can’t you grow a set of balls and tell him you had already considered that brilliant idea, but decided on a different course? Yes he is older, yes he has seniority over you, but remember you have a job for life. You can tell him that he is the dumbest motherfucker alive, and he cannot fire you. Hell, you can video yourself fucking his wife up the ass, and his teenaged daughter licking the shit off your dick, and YOU CANNOT BE FIRED. Yes the program is stupid, but use the rules to your advantage.
You know, I don’t care how old your piece of shit culture is. The rest of the world is in a new millennium. The next time you answer my question about your current business with…"well, back in the Edo period, the shogun ruled the shogunate and…"I am probably going to kill you. I know I will probably end up in prison, but I guarantee it will be better than working with you.
When I ask a question, and it shows some ignorance, I really do not mind if you get a chuckle at my expense. Ten minutes of rolling on the floor with laughter however is unacceptable. Next time I’ll probably stomp on you until you stop laughing, possibly until you stop breathing
- Develop a sense of space. When you see me walking down a hallway, and I move across to let us pass, STAY ON YOUR OWN FUCKING SIDE OF THE HALLWAY. I see you move over to my side of the hallway, you better plan on feeling my fat ass hip-check you into the wall. In America, we drive on the right. When people pass in a hallway they tend to move right, easily avoiding each other. I have seen people in England, Australia and South Africa share this characteristic, only moving left. You fuckers refuse to move, and you refuse to walk in a nearly straight line. When I am in a particularly nasty mood, I sometimes actually enjoy this. I am bigger than you are and if we collide, you will come out worse than I.
In Chicago, my office is only 10x12, at home my office is 14x16, fuck my desk alone is 4x8. I am expected here to actually accomplish something here in a space that is less than 3x3. Thanks for the flat screen monitor- you saved me nearly one square foot
- Food & Drink. Here is a newsflash. If it has the consistency of snot, I would rather eat something else. Also, fish organs are to be used for bait. Not for human consumption. Got that? Thank you for the honor of offering me the eyeball when you ordered the roasted tuna head, but if it shows up on my plate again, I am going to stick it up your ass. And no, I dont want to dip my chopsticks into the tuna’s brain, all ten of you have already had your dirty tableware in there.
How about cooking the food and serving it hot? And while you’re at it, how about giving me enough protein in each meal to keep me alive for somewhat less than a weeks wages? Six pieces of raw fish on a half cup of rice ain’t even a snack for me m’kay? When I order something cooked, any chance I could get it while it is still hot? I know you believes that if a flavor is good, it doesn’t matter what temperature it is served at. BULLSHIT. I want it served hot, and I will let it cool to MY perfect temperature. Any problem giving me that much control? Huh?
It’s fucking tea. Get over the silly assed “tea ceremony”. Pick the leaves, let them dry, pour water through them, and just let me drink it ok. If the water is too much trouble, I’ll just smoke the leaves. I don’t need some whore with clown makeup and hair, dressed in a heavy silk robe, and wearing shit on your feet that is way too uncomfortable looking to be called shoes to dance around the table while the tea gets as cold as the upcoming meal
Sumo. Ok thanks for letting me know that I am not the fattest bastard on the island. What kind of weirdo thought this up? Fat sweaty naked men groping and grabbing one another should not be a spectator sport. Want to bet on sumo? The heavier guy will win about 85% of the time. Each bout lasts about 20 seconds. If you do the math, a six-hour match thus has about 1 minute of real excitement.
Stop treating me like a second class citizen because I have a real life back in the states, and I like to return there occasionally. You piece of shit, you are not paying any more whether I go home once a year or once a month. Your collective incompetence has made this project 4 times as long as a similar project in the states, so my being away has no impact to the project timeline. If I did not go home regularly to decompress, I’d eventually throw one of you pricks out of the fucking window of our office building. When I go home, it saves my sanity; it saves your life.
Office Bullshit. People, it is called environmental control. Note to the dickhead building manager. When I kept leaving work early last summer because it was too hot to work-- I still charged you for a full days’ work. Any money you might have saved on air-conditioning was easily eaten up by my consulting fees that I did no work for. Just in case there were still any savings left, I am just as confident that every single person having a portable fan at their desk used all of that up. All that money you are saving by not heating the building this winter is being used up by space heaters. Plus we get to have a fire hazard as an additional benefit. By the way asshole, if I have to leave because it is too cold to work, you are still going to pay me for the full day you tightwad motherfucker. For this project you have bought my knowledge and experience. My health is not for sale.
By the way this building is less than ten years old. Any possibility that you could get the elevators to run a little faster? When a fat fucker like me can climb ten flights of stairs faster than your stupid elevators, there is something wrong with them. I could raise the total productivity of this building by simply speeding up the lifts (but we can’t do that, increasing productivity might fuck with your 100% employment rate).
On this subject - hey fuckhead, if you insist on piling 80 people into an elevator car, you have to get the fuck out of my way when the car stops on my floor. I will knock you on your ass if necessary to get out of the elevator. News to those getting on the lift, I know you have been waiting 20 minutes for an elevator, but you are a bowling pin if you think I will get off AFTER you get on.
Side rant-the top of the escalator is NOT the place to hold a meeting to decide your next move putz.
- Miscelaneous Bullshit. Why the fuck can’t you cover your mouth when you cough? You cover when you pick your teeth you cover when you talk on the phone, you cover when you are talking, and you cover when you are eating. But when you cough, you want the world to share your tuberculosis, you miserable fuck.
Pick up your fucking feet. I know you wear slippers at home, but why the fuck does it have to sound like you are sanding the floor when you walk through my office. You lazy fuck are your shoes really that heavy?
10. Your Future. The president of your firm hired me to bring your business practices into the twentieth century. He knows that if you don’t change, a foreign competitor will come in here and kick your ass. Has anybody noticed that two foreign firms have opened their doors within a mile of your headquarters in the last two months? This was no accident, they are rubbing your face in your own incompetence. They are here to put you out of business. Did anyone notice that one of your oldest competitors went out of business last year? My guess is that they were using the same business practices from the Edo period when the shogun ruled the shogunate… Your own employee newsletter has exactly three words of English “change or die” are you ignoring this because it is written in English you stupid shit stain?
I pray Every time I leave your country that a very localized earthquake breaks this building in half, and I will not have to return.