this isn’t really a serious complaint or a rant, but it doesn’t fit into any of the other Forums, and i dunno what the hell to do with it. so it’s in the Pit. mainly so i can swear and not worry that a twelve-year-old Truth-Seeker, worshipping at the Altar of Cecil, won’t stumble across my “Fuck” and get some Holden Caulfield complex about it.
anyway, fucking meta. When the universe keeps pre-empting jokes before they can be made, we know that something wicked is afoot. For a while, meta-things were slow-going. A planet named ‘Uranus’, Jesus getting nailed to wood for preaching “Do unto others…” That whole Holy Roman Empire thing.
Then things started picking up, bit by bit. A news anchor named ‘Wolf Blitzer’? Ronald Reagan, after his memorable Iran-Contra testimony, succumbing to Alzheimer’s? How about Superman paralyzed from the neck down, a high-level governmental leak dubbed “Deep Throat” (to be honest, i don’t think my generation can ever truely grasp how funny that must have been. When we hear “deep throat”, we think of the Lovelace flick (was it lovelace, or chambers? oh well) and the Nixon mole- but to you elders, it must’ve been weird at first, like a Prime Minister named “Tampon” or something), Dick Armey (classic meta- very Kubrickian), or Cola Wars (that wasn’t a Cold War pun, was it? I just thought of that. If Cola Wars was a Cold War pun, I’m gonna scream)?
But this meta is getting good goddamned out of hand. I feel like I’m in a Pynchon novel. Chinese Fighter Pilot Wong Wei crashes his plane into a Navy EP-3. Gore vs Bush. George Carlin, famous hipster and Sixites idealist, doing 10-10-220 or some shit commercials- or even worse, uber-brand Nike approaching NOLOGO Noam Chomsky to do a commercial where he holds a sneaker and says “Yet another shameless attempt by Nike…”, and being surprised that he turned it down. Pizza Hut trying to put their logo on the moon. And pretty much any statement the Bush administration pops out (I mean, come on! Bush’s forest-fire-fighting proposal? Guys emceeing the T.G.I.Fridays’ open mic night wouldn’t have even attempted that joke, cuz they’d say to themselves “Noo, that’s too obvious”).
Seriously, why must the news be so funny? It’s like, since the Daily Show and Weekend Update have become a major source of news for some folk, the universe has decided to bite our collective asses by blurring the line, any line. I open up my paper today- page two of the Philadelphia Inquirer:
3 detained in terror scare deny joking about Sept. 11
Three men reportedly overheard talking about a terrorist plot were pulled over and detained for 17 hours yesterday before authorities siad the men were apparently kidding around and released them…
“If this was a hoax, they will be charged,” Collier County Sheriff Don Hunter said angrily after a day-long search of the men’s two cars turned up no signs of explosives…
The men were detained in a van while authorities used dogs and a robot to go through the cars…
The woman who reported the comments is Eunice Stone, 44, or Cartersville, Ga., a nurse who told the Fox News Network that she was eating at a Shoney’s restaurant in Calhoun when she heard the men talking.
“I thought anybody that’s laughing about 9/11, I know they have that right, but there’s something wrong with them,” Stone told Fox. She later told the associated Press the incident was “kind of scary.”
Two U.S. pilots charged with bomb fatalities
Two Air Force F-16 pilots have been charged with involuntary manslaughter and assault, accused of recklessly dropping a bomb in Arpil on Canadian troops engaged in a live-fire training exercise…
The incident, which killed four Canadian soldiers and wounded eight others, triggered consternation in Canada, where a member of Parliament criticized President Bush for failing to comment publicly in the immediate aftermath of the tragedy. Bush expressed his “heartfelt sympathy” a day later.
And in Parade (tomorrow’s, but the Inquirer delivers some of the Sunday paper Saturday), we get an article that could be written by the guy who does “The Scoop” for the Onion, Jackie Something. And i quote:
Know What Runs in Your Family
BY DR. ISADORE ROSENFELD
If you know you are vulnerable to a particular disease or condition, you can begin taking preventive measures before symptoms appear and start looking for evidence of its presence…
The best and simplest way is to ask your living relatives about their own health. The next step is to inquire what they remember about the health history of family members who have passed on: their chronic illnesses, at what ages they died and from what causes. The most important ones are your parents and siblings. Second-degree family members- grandparents, aunts and uncles- also should be queried… Theoretically, you could dig up death certificates and other records (but none of my own patients has gone that far)…
If you were too young to remember what some of your relatives looked like, particularly fisrt-degree relatives, take those old family albums out of the attic.
Look at the faces of those you never knew or have forgotten. Were they thin and with “pop-eyes,” suggesting an overactive thyroid? Is there any asymmetry of the face, raising the possibility of a stroke? Are the facial features gross, the tongue big and the jaw large, a condition resulting from a brain tumor? All this sleuthing can be interesting, fun and ultimately rewarding to you…
Some diseases are more prevalent in specific ethnic groups. For example:
-People of Mediterranean ancestry are susceptible to an enzyme deficiency that destroys red blood cells under certain conditions (a form of hemolytic anemia), such as when fava beans are eaten. Infants so affected are jaundiced.
-Native Americans, Asian Americans and ** African-Americans** have an especially high incidence of lactose intolerance.
-African-Americans are predisposed to sickle-cell anemia. One in 12 carries the gene for this debilitating disease.
-Jews of Eastern European Ancestry and French Canadians (an unlikely combination!) are more at risk for a meabolic disorder called Tay-Sachs disease.
-6% of Ashkenazi Jews have a gene mutation that can lead to colon cancer.
'nuff said
jb