Fucking minirants!

The BBQ Pit
201

This week I’ve had to organize an event at an extremely posh luxury hotel.

The customer service has been among the worst I have ever experienced.

After six different phone calls I finally got routed to the Director of Somethingorother. I guess he’s too important to return any of my three phone calls to arrange a $120-for-20-people cheese tray. I am not asking for anything remotely out of the ordinary, just standard hospitality services. For some reason this seems beyond the realm of possibility for the Director of Somethingorother.

I suspect it’s because he knows that I can’t very well just go and book at the Other Extremely Posh Luxury Hotel in town, because hey, his is the poshest and as such is the only game in town. I have called him at least twice a day for a week, to arrange one of the most straightforward services I can imagine a hotel providing. This could have been wrapped up in half an hour, two weeks ago; instead I am running around at the last minute because getting hospitality out of the Director of Hospitality of the Poshest Hotel in Town is like pulling teeth, but worse.

I thought luxury services would have, you know, decent customer service. I don’t even want luxury customer service, I’d even settle for something just marginally better than Bell Canada customer service, which is legendary in its incompetence. Especially if I’m paying $120 for a cheese tray for 20. Christ. Where’s the accountability?

202

This is probably gramatically correct, but I don’t care. I hate when people use the word “we” when they mean the word “you”. It seems most common when talking to children.

The other day at the library, a son started throwing a fit when his dad wouldn’t buy him a pop. He told the son, “we are not going to start whining now.” It’s fucking YOU are not going to start whining now. The father has nothing to do with the whining.

The other day, a guy passed me in the hallway and said, “How are we doing today?” I can’t speak for both of us, dude.

203

Day 3 without caffeine. Aches, pains, headache and I am damned tired.

Yes, I gave it up for Lent. Yes, Christ’s suffering was worse. Yes, I did this because it makes me think religous thoughts every day.

HOWEVER, I pit my own damned caffeine addiction. I pit my weakness. I pit that I will grab the first cup on Easter morning like any other junkie getting his fix. I pit that by mid-April I will be back to drinking half of a pot of coffee at minimum every morning.

204

Idiot drivers, did you not notice the pea-soup fog this morning? Was it really necessary to do the following?
[ul]
[li]Zoom right up behind me at 75 mph when I’m stuck behind a dude on a moped going 45. No I’m not going to pass him. I can’t see what’s coming at me in the other lane. And neither can you, that’s why you had to suddenly swerve back behind me when you tried to pass.[/li][li]Not have your lights turned on. Brights are what you don’t turn on in the fog. Lights are good. Lights let other drivers know you’re there.[/li][li]Pull out of a side street without looking or using a blinker. That’s bad enough on a regular day, but on a foggy day it’s never-forgive action.[/li][li]Ride my ass all the way down the road. Stop that.[/li][/ul]

To the guy in the moped: thank you for pulling over at the first opportunity and letting the cars go by. Hope you made it to your destination without anything happening.

205

I send my team an e-mail stating I’m having connectivity problems, that I was using iNotes (crap program) as Lotus Notes wouldn’t reopen.

We’ve been told not to use the instant messaging in iNotes, so I even put in my e-mail “no instant messaging, here’s my phone if you need to talk asap”.

Not one, not TWO, but THREE friggin e-mails from co-workers wondering why my instant messaging is down. I could understand it if they were a few minutes after my e-mail, but no. Between 10 - 30 minutes from when I first notified them.

Stupid people.

206

Finally gave up on the crap that is Windows Vista this morning. Stuck the original Windows XP original image disk that came with the computer a year ago into the DVD drive, and wiped/reinstalled the whole thing.

Now I gotta reinstall security suites, games, etc., which is a pain, but at least things should work.

The last straw was last night when Vista decided that attempting to sync up my iPod with iTunes library was an excuse for the entire computer to lock up. Twice. Both times requiring a hard reboot (hold the power button down until the computer restarts).

I’ve done more hard reboots since installing Vista than I think I’ve done the rest of my entire life. What a piece of shit Vista is.

207

Sigh. I told you I would send you an instruction email to your Yahoo! account since our email is set up via exchangemymail. You sounded confident you could handle setting it up in Outlook.

Today you call because Outlook isn’t receiving email. Oh, you just set it up without even opening the email I sent you? Could you open it now? Ok, you need to realize there’s attachments. Yes there are, look again.

You’re using Outlook, not Outlook Express, right? Ok, click on the link in attachment called “Outlook”. No, the link. The LINK.

Ok, I’m glad you’re reading the attachment I wrote to me. See how you get to that sentence that says Outlook EXPRESS??? You’re looking at the wrong attachment. Yes, there IS another attachment. Yes there IS!!!

Sigh. I’m so glad that you blew off what I told you to do (ie - “I’m sending you an email with instructions…”). I’m gladder still that I spent so much time creating instructions for employees to help them set up their email. I know it’s a PITA. Yes, I know you’re used to having a network and an IT staff. You think this makes me happy? Christ, I’m a SECRETARY and I get this job because I’m the only one who isn’t afraid of my computer.

DO WHAT I TELL YOU and it will go easier for you, I swear.

Oh, and bossman? Don’t put stuff in your outbox if you just want me to throw it away. You. Have. A. Trashcan. I mean, are you fucking kidding me???

208

UPS.com:

209

A few words about the freeway, my fellow Californians and visitors to our fair state:

You may notice, on occasion, a sign saying “Slow traffic keep right”. I know that 60mph might feel white-knuckle-fast to you, but if traffic is going around you, then a slow guy is YOU.

Also please note the lines on the freeway. As the double yellow lines tell you you cannot cross, and the dashed white ones that you may, consider also the wide dashed white ones, which indicate that the lane they adjoin is exiting onto a tributary. This change between the wide and narrow lines happens long enough away from the exit that it is entirely unneccesary to wait until you are at the point of exit to re-merge with traffic and cut off the chick who is having her birthday and just wants to get home to her footie jammies and a G&T and possibly a foot rub.

This has been a public service announcement provided by your local commute warrior.

210

Not only does my new laptop with Vista pull out the BSOD* at least once a week when I think my last (Windows XP) laptop didn’t do that in a year’s time, but it also has the “unzips folders extremely slowly” bug. Finally - yes, even using Compatibility Mode - the only games that I had which it will run are World of Warcraft and (knock me over with a feather) Baldur’s Gate 2. Doesn’t run KotOR 1/2, Jade Empire, etc.

  • Well, it doesn’t have the standard error message - it’s even less useful than that. It’s blue with little white pixels interspersed, and the audio stutters. I have to cold boot it to make it stop.
211

Do people in your office print off all their emails so they can read them, too? Or read them, then print them off and keep all of the paper copies?

212

Fucking skunks! Why can’t you hibernate? Why do you start your mating season in February?

My dogs woke me up at 1:30 a.m. barking to be let out. Stupid me opens the door and they go running. I wander into the downstairs bathroom and smell it…SKUNK! Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Luckily, the skunk wasn’t in my yard so none of the dogs got skunked. Unluckily, our fucking dryer vent cover is gone so a bunch of skunkified air infiltrated our downstairs laundry/bathroom and now the house smells unpleasant.

And a special fuck you to mr.stretch for not fixing the dryer vent cover! I guess if the cold air wafting into the bathroom hasn’t lit a fire under you, a little skunk smell isn’t going to do much to motivate you either. Part of dealing with your mental health issues is doing things, which means I’m not supposed to swoop in and rescue you from agreed upon responsibilities. If I fix it, I’m fucking with that, and if I don’t fix it my bathroom is cold. Jesus please us, I can’t catch a break here. Please fix the vent and save me from this quandry!

213

May I suggest that you take this opportunity to kick caffeine for good? I was a caffeine addict for almost 20 years (mostly cola, not so much coffee), until I realized that on days when I didn’t have my fix I would get mini-migraines. Even though they weren’t debilitating or very frequent, I decided I didn’t want them to control my life even a little.

So I kicked the stuff. I now drink decaf coffee and cola 90-95% of the time. I still eat as much chocolate as ever, and when I’m out I’ll have a regular cola. But I don’t get the headaches anymore, which is great. And I don’t miss the caffeine buzz in the morning, either.

The only proviso I’ll make is that I’m usually able to get enough sleep each night. If you can’t, or can’t offset a nighttime sleep shortage with a brief afternoon or evening nap, it probably will be harder to quit caffeine.

But it was worth it to me, and I’m the guy who once derided caffeine-free diet cola “brown sugar water.”

(Oh, and since this is the pit: fuckety fuck!)

214

The skunk saga continues…

The stupid skunk was found dead on the street directly in front of our house. Animal control doesn’t work weekends so we were told to leave it there and someone will get it Monday. MONDAY!!!

Mr.stretch found the idea of leaving a dead skunk in front of our house to be hit by cars repeatedly and ground into the gravel that serves for the off road parking to be…a less than stellar idea. So he bagged up the skunk and moved it the the other side of the street, off the road to where our mailbox used to be* and where there is no sidewalk so kids wouldn’t come along and kick the bag. And the smell of skunk was thus contained in the wonders of plastic.

Some dumb fucker apparently hit over the garbage bag last night. I knew this could happen, but I truly hoped that the people around here could stay on the road and not drive practically in the ditch to hit that fucking bag!

The smell of dead skunk again wafts around our neighborhood.

*before the assholes kept taking it out–one time they actually stole the post and all.

215

HEAD LICE!!!

My little girl got it from a cousin. My older daughter has the nits, but no bugs, but still has to be treated and I’m sick of picking hair! I’ve gone over my younger daughter’s hair THREE TIMES–I cut it short, but it’s still a big job. My oldest has LONG hair–that’s been fun! And to top it ALL OFF–I was looking in the mirror and lo, and behold–A ^$ing LOUSE IN MY HAIR! The school nurse has confirmed it–and it SUCKS!

Of course, there are two members of this household that would be relatively easy to treat–the guys. A close buzz cut and a couple of shampoos and voila! we’d be done. They, of course, show no signs of the infestation at all.

Figures. :slight_smile:

216

Instant Messaging is good. It’s handy. It’s useful. When we’re both at our computers, we use it to say hello, share links to websites or news stories, discuss the events of the day, whatever. We’re better friends because of it. We communicate more. Good for us.

There’s one way it might be improved, though, if I could make a small suggestion. If you’re going to wander off, watch TV, go to sleep, or whatever it is you need to do, sign the fuck off or change your status to “away.” It’s not that complicated. If I wanted to send you something for you to reply to at your leisure, I’d use e-mail. Or SMS.

Would you put the phone down in the middle of a conversation and wander off for a nap? Didn’t think so.

Maybe it shouldn’t annoy me, and yes I understand you’re emotionally needy and if anyone anywhere in the world happens to think of you and wants to communicate something, you want to be able to capture that moment, 24/7. I understand you’re tickled fucking fuschia that you can log in with your new iphone and remain connected and unresponsive from just about anywhere. But it’s reached the point where I no longer bother to message you first, and occasionally ignore your messages for a couple of hours just to see if you’ll eventually figure this out for yourself.

(And yes, I felt slightly bad when I finally pointed out to you that when you did use “away messages,” not a single one of them ever said “busy” or “away” but they invariably indicated how people could reach you at that very moment, thereby broadcasting your neediness for interaction globally. You’re unemployed; nobody needs to contact you that urgently. However, maybe that was a little insensitive to point out, and you didn’t really need to stop doing it.)

To the other friend who is likewise signed on and “available” perpetually but isn’t really, due to sheer technical dimwittedness, it’s really not that difficult to figure things out. You gain nothing by going on vacation and remaining signed on for weeks at a time, except that your friends will eventually learn not to bother inquiring after you.

P.S. – To everyone else, I don’t give a flying fuck what song you’re currently listening to in itunes.

217

Here’s one positive thought for you, stretch - some native peoples believe that the smell of skunk is good for your lungs. So breath deep, and get all healthy!

(Head lice! Ew ew ew ew ew. Ew.)

218

“Jive Talkin’” by the Bee Gees.
:smiley:

219

OK, this is a little late but since I’m trying to find some of my stuff and who knows where the hell it is-

Mom, I asked you to take care of my cats while I was out of town. So, you had the keys to my apartment. Now, you knew and I knew that my lease was up at the end of the month and I wasn’t financially able to stay there. You knew and I knew that I was coming back the last weekend of December to move my stuff out of the apartment and into storage.

SO WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MOVE MY STUFF? I called to tell you I was on my way back, and you had already done it. Not only that, but you had done a shitty job of it. Here I am, looking for my craft box. I found the rubbermaid container that was once my craft box, but the fabric and thread and beads and junk that were once in there are no where to be found. Instead, there’s a bunch of books thrown in there willy-nilly with an odd shoe and a few pairs of socks.

WHAT THE FUCK? I am the queen of moving. I have been known to go from completely unpacked in one apartment, to completely unpacked in the new apartment, in 5 days. I rock at moving, if only because I hate it so much I want it done quickly. So I pack up rooms together. I’ll have a box for bathroom stuff, and a few boxes for kitchen stuff, and so on. So when I go to unpack, it’s easier.

You guys must have just grabbed containers and wandered from room to room. Seriously, I was looking for a purse in a garbage bag that contained mostly purses, and I found stuff that had been in the catch-all junk tray in the living room. Meaning someone had thrown a bunch of stuff from my bedroom closet in a bag, then instead of throwing more stuff from my bedroom closet, or just from my bedroom, they had gone off to the living room. Who fucking does that?

And I’m pretty sure that you probably just threw out a lot of stuff. The state of my books, thrown into boxes haphazardly so that once-pristine books are bent to hell, shows me you obviously don’t give a shit about my possessions. I know that you threw out practically everything in my kitchen, then lied about it. Luckily you dug it out of the Dumpster after I pitched a fit. I’m sorry you thought my dishes were worthless because some of them had a few chips, but that’s the thing- they’re my dishes, not yours.

So, sorry if I don’t appreciate your “favor.” I didn’t ask you to do it, you didn’t need to do it. So, it’s going to be awesome trying to find my stuff for the next few months, and figuring out exactly what stuff got thrown away.

Because, I know that rubbermaid craft container was full, and it should have been simple enough to just pack into the car and move. But because it’s now full of different stuff, I can only assume you dumped out its carefully organized contents to make room for your haphazard assortment of junk.

Thanks.

220
  1. For a uterus, you’re kind of an asshole. Look, I know you had nothing to do with the car sliding on the ice in the driveway, and getting so stuck in a snowbank I struggled for an hour in the pouring rain to get it free. And it’s not your fault my lungs then decided to host an open house for the germs my coworkers were entertaining this week. But did you have to decide to invite the period a week early too? Huh, did you?

Coughing hard and tampons apparently don’t mix. Aren’t they supposed to stay put instead of ejecting themselves?! Thanks a fucking lot. I wouldn’t have been miserable enough with just the cold.

  1. STOP SNOWING! This isn’t funny any more. Normal winters (It snows November to April, unfortunately, with Dec-March accounting for the lion’s share) pile up 50-70 inches. There’s still two more months of snow minimum coming, and we’re already up to 82 inches of snow. And more than 5 inches of rain.