Okay, I work in Nashville, and as you may have heard today, some nutbag decided he’d slash the throat of a Grayhound bus driver. Naturally, everyone in the area thinks that he’s a terrorist and we’re all going to die! :rolleyes:
I heard the news report this morning as I was getting ready for work. I immediately knew that it was just a lunatic trying to be “funny”. I mean, come on, hijack a Grayhound bus near Manchester, TN? (For those of you who don’t know, Manchester’s the kind of place where men are men and sheep are nervous.) There’s nothing fucking there! Of course, that doesn’t stop people from panicking.
I get to work and the damn door’s locked, and I say to myself, “Surely, they can’t be so stupid to think that bus thing was terrorist related and that we’re in any kind of danger?” [gameshow host] Bzzzt! Thank you for playing! Bob, who’s our next contestant on your life as a loser?" [/gameshow host]. Yep, they had the door locked because they were afraid that the big bad terrorists were coming to get them! :rolleyes:
Things weren’t helped when the governor came on the TV and said that Nashville was number 3 on the list of cities for a terrorist attack. What the fuck is that all about? Listen, dumbass, you were voted the absofuckingly worst governor of the US, you, sir, had a new mansion built out in the middle of fucking nowhere (along with a six lane highway which dead ends at your front door), complete with guard towers and armed guards because you were worried that someone would try and put a cap in your ass when you tried to force the statehouse to pass an unconstitutional state income tax! (And people wonder why the state’s short of money? Maybe its because you had to have a goddamn bunker built you paranoid fuck!)
Look, you dumbshits! There is no reason to worry about a terrorist attack! 99% of the population of NYC survived the terrorist attack on 9/11! Do you realize what that means? It means that even if Bin Laden were to start smoking the entire US production of crack and somehow decide that Nashville, TN was a good target for a terrorist attack, you would survive!
Finally, there’s nothing in Nashville that a terrorist would want to fuck with!!! Why? Because Nashville is little more than a hicktown! What do we have here besides countryfucking music? Not a goddamn thing!!! You boneheads have spent the past 30 years trying to promote Nashville as the home of country music, so there’s nothing else in this city! Period, paragraph.
And you know what? If Bin Laden were to decide to bomb Music Row (the “heart” of the country music industry), I’d help his fucked up goddamn ass just to teach you dumbshits a lesson! (Namely, that country music ain’t that great and that there’s more important things in life than that.)
So calm the fuck down! We’re totally safe here! (Unless you guys insist on being paranoid, then, I’m liable to go around blowing shit up!)