Fucking redneck fishermen

The BBQ Pit
1

Today, I saw the ocean for the First Time in My Whole Life. It was unbelievably beautiful. The sun was shining, the little birdies were cheeping, and my dear friend and I were playing in the surf and generally having a day of the quality that normally is only found on tampon commercials.

What could be better?

Well, we found out. A whole boatload of fucking goat-felching redneck fishermen appeared on the horizon. They brought their boat within about 20 feet of shore, trailing at least six razor-sharp hooks into the very water in which we had been swimming.

Fortunately, we were shell-hunting, and so we were not lacerated into sharkbait by the hooks.

The big white boat kept coming closer and closer to shore, until we could not only read the name of their boat (it was “Gal-O-Mine,” if you’re curious), but we could also easily count the stars on the confederate flags on their greasy bandanas.

So, as we are just crazy enough to not like being run over by giant boats while sharp hooks drive through our delicate girl parts, we stayed on the shore and waited for them to go away.

Instead of going away, they noticed us, two beautiful women sitting in out bathing suits on the shore, and started going back and forth in front of us, ever closer, sounding the traditional redneck mating cries, such as “Woo Hoo!” and “Hey baby!”

They were now so close to the shore that we were honestly afraid they might hit the bottom and tip over. And we’d have been right out there, swimming out there to rescue them from drowning. Just as soon as we finished our sandwiches, and perhaps got a cold beverage.

We finally gave up and went away, and the dolphin-fucking fishermen defeated us. May their wives bring home venereal diseases, may their dogs eat their best huntin’ boots, may their bald heads get peeling, blistering sunburns. May their boat be confiscated by the IRS and sold to the NAACP. May rats nest in their satellite dish.

2

Just out of curiosity…where did this take place? Aside from the “unbelievably beautiful” part, it sounds a bit like the Golden Land, Mississippi.

Next time throw shells at them.

3

Let me guess. Panama City, Fla., The redneck rivieria?

I was just down there visiting my step-brother in jail. :rolleyes:

4

I think you’re a marvelous writer and really enjoyed your story. Kinda makes me feel guilty now about this…

causing “RED TIDE!” to keep sounding off in my mind as I read the rest of your post.

5

“Woo-hoo” is the best we got. I’m really quite surprised you didn’t strip down and give them a hootchie-koo dance.

6

Oh, and referring to yourself as ‘beautiful’ was a trifle self-absorbed, doncha think? Woo-hoo!

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Numbers added by me, so as to clarify my comments.

  1. Ah, the mating call of the asshole tribe. See, this works on assholes, male and female. They had mistaken you for one of their own kind.

  2. I’m glad to see that you have your priorities straight.

  3. You most certainly know how to craft a curse. I especially admire the way that you have carefully considered their most prized possessions, and gone after those things with deadlly precision.

8

Well, no, not if she is. Having guys, redneck and otherwise, screaming like they’re going to lose their tiny little minds tends to tip women off that they might be considered attractive :rolleyes: .

9

You know, at times like this don’t you wish you’d thought beforehand to strap some lifelike enormous 9 inch flaccid penis to your genatalia just in case this scenario had unfolded?

You could have sauntered up from your beach towel, dropped your bikini bottom and hung a threatning Mr. Richard out there for all to oogle over.

While such an event might just give us here momentary pause, trust me, it would have sent every last bigoted homophobic one of them to their grave wondering if they were “one of them queers”.

Again, I loved your story and, as mentioned, priorities and “gameplan.”

10

And there’s no chance that Chefguy was making, like, a joke.

11

Didn’t sound like it to me, no. But maybe. If so, I apologize for my humor-impaired self :smiley: *

*Good joke indicator.

12

You should realize, FisherQueen, that by describing yourself as beautiful to a bunch of as you describe them ‘rednecks’, you infer that you resemble either (a) one of their sisters or first cousins, or (b) one of their Moms, or possibly a domesticated farm animal which doesn’t put up too much of a fight. :wink:

13

Huh-huh. Huh-huh. “Delicate girl parts.”

[sub]Woo-hoo![/sub]

14

They got that close without the surf messing with them? Were you on the bay side or something?

Did you find any sand dollars? Bummer you had to leave.

ftr, it’s pretty damn hard to fuck a dolphin. Unless they’re drunk. “Flipper? I hardly know her!”

15

Unfortunately, there is a certain subset of redneck with which such a scenario could turn ugly rather quickly. The proper course of action is to scout out a nice sandbar or jagged outcropping under murky water, then lure the hapless crew to their demise with your siren’s call.

16

You should have grabbed the biggest chunks o’ driftwood you could handle and and launched them torpedo-style through the surf at them. Bubbas hate losing hooks on anything that isn’t a fish. They hate getting their propellers dinged up almost at much.

17

I will now take questions regarding this horrifying tale.

On the Outer Banks of North Carolina. This being my first trip to the ocean, I don’t know how it compares to other coastal places, but I thought it was damned pretty.

I was using poetic license in order to make the story more harrowing. I am in fact quite fat and unappealing, especially in a swimming suit, and I am sure that the boaters were focusing on my friend, who is lean and tan and was wearing a bikini.

I don’t know. I’m from Ohio. There were waves and stuff, but that didn’t seem to deter the assholes. Maybe they were Highly Skilled redneck fishermen. Or maybe they tipped over and all drowned right after we left, thus learning a valuable lesson about boat safety.

18

Years ago, I was out at Lake Travis sunbathing on a rock while my husband snorkeled just off the shore.
A boat off drunken buffoons came by, whistling and yelling.
They came in closer for a look-see and didn’t even see my husband in the water.
He didn’t hear them coming because there was a lot of traffic that day, and after all, he was right next the the shore and didn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to come in that close.
The boat was headed right for him.
I started jumping up and down screaming that it was going to hit him but I think they thought I was responding favorably to their drunken catcalls and the boat just kept right on coming.
The only thing that save him from being run over was that the side of the boat hit his fin and pushed him off.
It was a scuba type fin with a spring release-not a cheapo one one, if that gives you any idea of hard they banged him.
He was furious when he got up on the rocks and wanted me to take my top off so that he could bean them with rocks when they came back over.

19

::checks photo on poetic license::

LIAR!!
:smiley:

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Warning…possible TMI…

http://www.dolphinsex.org/