Fucking wasps

The BBQ Pit
1

So its evening in Vermont, a cool misty drizzly evening where there’s nothing I’d like better than to stay inside with a nice book. Instead I’m wandering through the drizzle to go send young insects to their doom. Why?

Well… I’ve never liked wasps much. I have affection for most animals, even the ones I eat, and have no problem with sharing the planet with millions of beetles, for instance.

But the goddam wasps have go to go. Once one got in my damn shirt. It must have blundered in there on its own, but it suddenly it decided it didn’t like and instead of leaving the way it came, it decided to sting me. Repeatedly. I don’t like wasps.

So in my evolutionary biology course, OF COURSE I get to play cruise director on the wasp Love Boat. After trying to tell which of several little bastards the size of a pencil led were male and female and what color their eyes were, I put them in a tube so they can get it on.

Of course, it’s been two months since I saw Miss Misery, my lovely girlfriend. I’m horny as hell and this isn’t going anywhere until she graduates. But the wasps get to have all the sex they want. Super.

So the repulsive things split their own skin open and crawl around. We give them time to do the deed. Unfortunately, blots upon arthropod kind that they are, they like to lay their eggs inside the living tissue of unsuspecting baby flies. And I have to be a party to this by throwing the poor unsuspecting infants to their destroyers.

Just as I am about to leave, the phone rings. Its Miss Misery, long distance. We haven’t talked in ages. What honey? No, I’m sorry, I have to go drop larval flies on my mortal enemies after helping them get laid. I love you too.

Personally, I could give a fuck about evolutionary bio at this point. In fact, this was going to be the last lab I attended before I dropped the class. Unfortunately, we started the fucking lab that we will be working on throughout the semester. With partners. So if I bail some innocent schmuck is screwed. Fuck.

So I’m pretty pissed and I head out without looking out the window. No socks, no jacket. It’s drizzling, that fine spray that is just light enough that you feel like a fucking jackass if you go back for jacket.

So I trudge over and give the bastard whoresons their damn larval flies. And I trudge back.

Fucking wasps.

–John

2

Love the writing style. Hate the wasps.

Don’t have much else to say. Hope you get many baby wasps that you can murder violently at the end of the semester, just before making passionate fuck (hee hee, Berzerker) with your lovely Miss Misery.

Do we get updates every week??

3

A weekly update on wasps? Maybe if they annoy me enough. A weekly update on snarky little stupid shit in my life? Easily. :slight_smile: BTW, last week in lab, we got to do chromatography of wasp eyes which mean evil grin cutting the bastard’s heads off with a razor. Ooh, that was fun.

–John
And I will get to see Miss Misery in November, if only for a week! Yay!

4

Hate wasps. Hate 'em hate 'em hate 'em.

But I love the double meaning in the thread title. :smiley:

5

I thought this was going to be a rant against Reggie and Muffy getting it on after tennis.

6

No doubt. I was workin’ up a self-righteous white-bread woodrow and itchin’ to get postmodern on somebody’s ass.

Guess I bettah put the can o’ whoopass back in the pantry between the zinfandel and beluga.

7

There’s just something beautiful about that line. The whole post approached post-modern poetry chic, but this one line really sold it for me. Definite sig potential.

I too have a hate/love relationship with the waspies. The bigguns that make their nests inside my pool frame and behind our shutters are just ungood. Absolutely no redeeming alternate life-affirming qualities for them.

However, my wife actually pays someone to send her 40,000 larval wasps every three weeks. One of the endearing qualities you mention above (laying eggs in fly larvae) makes them ideal predators for the whole range of fly species that are attracted to the horse generated Mount Dung on our property. This particular wasp is tiny in the adultish form and only swarms at night. So far thay seem to be doing a pretty good job of fly control, which if you’ve ever spent time around a horse barn, is a pretty amazifying thing.

8

Wasps are beneficial insects.

For example, they…uh…that is, how they help is by…uh…for instance…er…

Well, for one thing, one will eventually sting someone you don’t like.

That’s all I can come up with on such short notice.

9

Wasps are the beligerent security guards of the insect world…

Wasp: Stay still please, I have to sting you
Me: Um, no, please don’t do that
Wasp: no, I have to, it’s my job you see
Me: but I haven’t done anything to you
Wasp: Aha, well, you would say that, wouldn’t you?
Me: Look, please, just go away, don’t sting me
Wasp: Well, if only it was that simple, It’s more than my job is worth…
Me: No! leave me alone
Wasp: Tsch, it’s not just that; If I let you off, I’ll have to do the same with everybody else, then where will we be?
Me: Look, I don’t want to hurt you
Wasp: Oh, was that a threat? You’re only making this worse for yourself.
Me: (struggles to get away)
Wasp: you don’t think I actually enjoy this, do you? I’m just trying to earn an honest wage.

10

Mangetout, Christopher Walken played a flying ant.

11

Ugh…<shudders repeatedly> I hate all bugs, but I think I’d be too afraid to even touch the thing to dissect its head or its eye. :o