This evening, as I was attempting to get my hour of syndicated Simpsons satisfaction, I was inundated every fucking commercial break with the local Fox late news “expose:” Personal Document Shredders, the Hidden Danger, featuring gin-you-whine testimony clips about helpless children mangled by these bloodthirsty beasts.
Hidden? In your own fucking promo, every picture of a shredder you show had a giant “Warning” or “Danger” label by the slot. As you will similarly find on every goddamned shredder on the market.
Danger? How about the danger of idiot parents not realizing that a slot that magically turns paper into confetti will be rapturous enjoyment to a child’s imagination, and as such COMMON FUCKING SENSE (do we have a trademark on that term yet?) would dictate you follow some of the basic child safety rules for things like electrical outlets (covers), oven ranges (little front barrier walls), low cabinets (door catches), or medicine bottles (childproof caps). How about taking a little personal responsibility and when you’re not using the shredder, just unplug the damn thing (and probably then cover up the outlet). Put it on a shelf when not in use. If you have a locked office, put it in there and keep it locked.
Kids are curious, I get it. And short of them actually losing fingers, I’d even encourage it. But expect, parents and local Fox affiliate, that maybe, just fucking maybe, a little bit of COMMON FUCKING SENSE (I imagine that when we do trademark it, it should be in all caps so as to not be easily missed) should be exercised by the parents and if something goes wrong, blame them, not the shredder company that clearly labels their machines a potential danger to idiots. Oh, and stop lambasting me with this groundbreaking piece of broadcast journalism (and all others like it) when all I want is a little entertainment after dinner.
And maybe, y’know, actually air something vaguely resembling “news” during your newscasts.
My favorite OMIGODWE’REALLGONNADIE expose was the one about the fake lipstick with a knife in it.
They showed a picture of a plastic lipstick that could be taken apart to reveal a very short and probably dull knife. No claim that anyone had actually used one, or even threatened someone with same, or had it confiscated at school. Just “there are fake lipsticks with knives in them.” A reporter stuck a microphone in some high school girl’s face and asked, “How would you feel if someone at your school had one of these?”
“Uh…I guess I’d be scared.”
I only hope no schools took this crap seriously. “FREEZE! Young lady, I’m going to have to confiscate that makeup kit. Hands against the wall!” (Oh, and as far as I know, hardly any teen girls wear lipstick nowadays. They wear gloss.)
Are there any examples of people actually being mangled by these things? I’ve seen a lot of paper shredders, and damned few would allow even a child’s fingers in far enough to get cut.
My personal, all-time favorite “series” a local news station did, in their “News You Can Use” segment – a three-part report on finding the right size bra. We were told, in all seriousness, that having the wrong size bra was not only uncomfortable, but could actually be hazardous to a woman’s health.
Why, yes, this was during sweeps month. Why do you ask?
And this is why local news is pointless now. Around here, they tell you that someone got shot in DC, the Nationals still suck, the Redskins still suck, the weather’s going to suck tomorrow, and here’s something that you use every day in real life that COULD KILL YOU OMG!!!111
I’ve found you have to hold the child very still and carefully feed its hair into the shredder for it to work at all. And then, it just jams when it gets to the kid’s head, anyway.
It’s not just Fox, amigo. They all do it, especially during sweeps week. Although we are much more likely to have reporters going undercover at titty bars during sweeps.
Remember TV News rule number one: If it bleeds, it leads.
Remember TV News rule number two: Never let facts or common sense get in the way of a story.
Oh, I know it well (starts humming Don Henley “Dirty Laundry”).
It was much more annoyance over not being able to enjoy a simple hour of television because every commercial break had this lead for a complete non-story. If it was once every half-hour, fine. I’ll tune that out. But every commercial break is much harder to avoid. And it was Fox I point out because this instance was Fox. I watch no local news, any channel, for much the same reasons.
(To preempt anybody coming in: local Fox affiliates news, and Fox News are entirely different, and by hating the first, I make no statement, good or ill, about the second. In case anybody wants a liberal/conservative battle, it’s not here. Just felt like Clothahump’s statements might have been bordering on the association. I’m probably just too paranoid in the Pit.)
I didn’t want the association to be actively pursued in the thread, then you nearly double-post the contention of “Hey looky what Fox did” along with my desire to not see it.
I doubt local news sensationalism started with Fox. Or for that matter, that we could ever attempt to say with what network (and in which market) it began. It’s now the status quo for all local news that I’ve seen, and has been that way since at least the mid-80s. Action News! Eyewitness News! SuperMegaLoud News!
Since it looks like the snowball’s begun:I happen to agree with you. Fox News=blatant bias, bullshit cites, and commentary stated as fact, and that makes it crap. Local Fox affiliate evening news (along with local NBC, CBS, ABC affiliates)=sensationalist nonsense, bleach blonde bimbos, and at least two worthless “exposes” per week, and that makes them crap. So yes, in your words, “they both suck ass.” Though I’d say it’s slightly different ass each sucks.
It reminds of when some nitwit reporter found out that crayola crayones actually contained asbestos! Of course, they omitted the fact that the amount was inconsequential, and there was no way that it could ever be inhaled. But let’s not let facts get in the way of a good 'expose"! Heck, I should become a roving reporter for my local TV channel…I could make headlines like: “Cancer-causing chemical found in local water supply!” or-“Children at risk!-Cancer-causing gas found in local high school”!
The best story i ever heard was when a local janitor got electrocuted. he did this by prying open a sealed door, defeating numerous safety interlocks, and ignoring plainly posted warnings. he then proceded to poke around with a screwdriver, while standing in a puddle of water. So he got zapped-and all of a sudden this guy’s stupidity becomes news!
