Strangelove that’s a unique and thoughtful idea. Stamps would be a good thing. You’re right about the amount of thank you notes. When dad died in April there was tons of food, flowers, notes and cards at home. When I returned to my home I had a ton of sympathy notes and cards. Being as I was raised to be ever the gentleman, thank you notes were sent to everybody. I bought a roll of one hundred stamps and dang near used all of em just writing my share of the thank yous. Mom and my sister did pretty much the same.
I’ve never heard of getting money in a sympathy card or note. Then again, it does vary by region so if that’s what’s done where you live, then it’s acceptable.
Fortuneately my mother has a large freezer. Many many casseroles were frozen which made it a little easier for her for a few weeks afterwards because she didn’t have to worry about cooking. Heck, she even sent a few home with me. I don’t know what the deal is with poppyseed chicken casseroles (there were a lot of those) but they sure were good!
I didn’t put money in the card. Frankly, I didn’t have any, so that made my decision quite easy! I was happy that we went to the funeral home for visitation. I was able to speak with the woman’s daughter, who has long been a close friend of my mom’s, and son-in-law, granddaughter (a close friend of my sister’s) and her husband, and her grandson’s wife (he was at dinner). I feel much better about doing that than I would have about putting $10 or whatever in a card.
My family always gave money to the next of kin when I was growing up. It was, of course, in addition to going to the viewing, making casseroles, and sending flowers, not a replacement for those things. This was among working class people in Western Pa.
Nowadays, if I’m unsure whether or not the family will think that money is tacky, I always try to discretely check with someone close to them. I either call or pull the person aside at the viewing. This is pretty sad, but I’ve never known a funeral where the next of kin didn’t need the cash.
I’ve only ever spoken to one person IRL who had never heard of this custom.
The responses to this thread have surprised me in that very few of you seem to have heard of this practice, even those in the Midwest. Here in WI it seems almost universal for an obituary to include the line “A memorial [fund] is being established.” This calls for a check made out to “[Name of Deceased] Memorial.” I’ve never been on the collecting end, but I believe that most people do include memorial donations in the sympathy card. I read somewhere (probably Miss Manners et al.) that this is inappropriate, because it combines the tender expression of sympathy with cold cash. The recommendation that I recall (and follow) is to send the check under separate cover, addressed “To the Family of X” in care of the funeral home. They will see that it goes where it should.
It seems to me that the money would be helpful, whether the family needs it for all the various twiddly expenses that come up and perhaps can’t get access to accounts yet, or doesn’t need it and simply adds it to a charitable donation in the person’s name.
(And of course, a sympathy card always contains a handwritten note expressing personal condolences and perhaps a memory of the deceased, rather than only a canned preprinted verse and a signature. But you knew that.)
I was raised Catholic, so the Mass card was the first thing I thought of. However, I’ve also heard that money is often given in a sympathy card because sometimes insurance doesn’t kick in immediately, and joint bank accounts might be frozen until the deceased’s estate is settled, leaving the family destitute for an undetermined amount of time.
It seems to me that if the funeral notice says something along the lines of, “In lieu of flower, we request a donation [insert charity here]” then it’s appropriate. That’s quite common.
My dad just died, and the notice said to donate it to his church. One night I sat down with my mom and we opened all the sympathy cards. Hardly any of them didn’t contain some amount of money. Neither my mom nor I thought anything about it, but we were touched at people’s generosity, no matter how small or large the gift.
I asked my mother about this issue. She said that often joint accounts are frozen directly upon a death. SInce there are many things that are needed during that time, she said the money she received came in handy until everything was resovled.
This has been an interesting thread for me as last night I attended a memorial service for my wife’s cousin who died over the weekend at 47 from a severe infection. As Scarlett said, in Wisconsin (the part I’m from anyway) almost everyone puts money in the sympathy card. It’s the standard thing to do and I kind of assumed it was done that way all over. It is surprising to me to hear people think it is tacky.
Often the family will have a line in the obituary specifiying a charity or organization for the memorials to be sent to or what the memorial money will be used for. I know my wife’s great-grandmother’s memorial money helped purchase a cross that hangs on the outside of the front of the new church her congregation was in the process of building when she died. If not specified, I guess the family can use the money for whatever they want.
I’ve never heard of that. My parents’ account wasn’t frozen. Neither was my girlfriend, mother-in-law, brother-in-law…I thought that was the purpose of a joint account…so the money is always available to both parties, no matter what. I can sort of understand a private account being frozen, in case there’s monies due to various parties.
It’s possible that a joint account might have to go through probate, but a probate court would not leave survivors without a means to live while the estate goes through the probate process.
In my family this has always been a tradition. To give money in a card. Exspeacily in a untimely death of someone two young or that may not have had life insurance. In my moms passing she was 54 years young & my dad and her had small coverage to cover funeral cost so we had donations go to the hospice center she received care at for the last few weeks of her life. But to be honest altough my dad was ok money wise my sister n i both with 4 kids each n having to find places gor them to go the last 4 months n eating fast food, hospital food, gas, missed work etc… because our mom had been in the hospital probably could have used a little of that to pay electric n water at home because we wipped out our accounts having this 3 -4 months of xtra. Dont get me wrong i would have spent a million to spend that time worh my mom o er n over. Im saying for the fact of this post n the reason people sjould give! But for so many Get dropped from coverage or there term life ins policy runs out and they get a life threading diagnosis and are uninsurable. Who is left with that burden. Not to mention a lot of people are acting as of people are going to get rich off a few 20.00 donations. What about gas and child care for making arrangements. And hotel if they live out of town. We have had 3 deaths in the last 3 months. 1 a single aunt in her 60’s cancer 2 married uncle in his early 70’s had cancer but fell from his tractor n had injuries he couldn’t survive n just 2 days ago cousin in his early 50’s cancer. Each of these were different cancers different situations but someone in their imidiate family had to drive anywhere from 20 to 2000 miles to be here. Not to mention funeral cost n the fact that each had been in hospital & they had missed work paid for food etc that is more then normal! I come from a large family n my dad has always been a huge giver I may not beable to do what he has in his life but if I can hand my cousin, my aunt or my 2nd cousin a few bucks to help them get by with finances when everything else seems like its crashing in around them! Then I will. Right now my 2nd cousin has got braclets made with my uncles name to help raise money for his funeral cost so yes! As a matter of fact when u walk in n sign the guest book just like at a wedding there usely is a basket for cards that’s why. It’s the same. N the way I see it if u would rather not give me a wedding gift or a bday gift my whole life 20.00 for gas for my kids n grand kids would be appreciated! Yes right now I have life insurance but when this term runs out n I survive it I probably won’t find a company to insure me when I have already had tia’s before 40! Tu for letting me post! N I should mention that this isn’t to take the place of flowers n I’m not saying everyone has to give. I’m saying y my family has n always will! N I hope maybe in some way these areas that seem like they are from different worlds that have never heard of this see the point. We are a Christian family n u can’t take it with you!
Oh n on the account being frozen thing, that depends if a person is getting social security a pension or some kind of thing like that. Because yes they do Freeze your account to make sure u can pay them back if they paid something within so many days of the person who recieces its passing!
Giving money sounds like a good idea to me. As stated already, there are both unexpected expenses and sometimes no way to access funds. And for many people, a loss is also a loss of income. So as cold as it sounds, money seems a lot more useful than flowers.
But in the card itself? Nah. Let that stand alone. Find another way to slip an envelope to them, somehow. If you can do it anonymously, even better.
I’ve never put money in a sympathy card. If I wanted to help people who were burdened by the expense, I’d probably put it in a separate envelope, but I’d feel really weird about that.
What a timely thread. My cousin Alan’s wife died very unexpectedly last week. I was talking with another family member and she said she and her brother both would be giving Alan money at the memorial service this Saturday. I was flabbergasted. Giving money stuck me as really tacky (tho’ I can see the benefits to Alan and his family). My other cousin, the one I was speaking with, is married to a Hawai’ian man. She said that it is the standard custom in Hawai’i. I’d never heard of it before.
I could either fly down for the services or send money, but not both. The family wants me to be there, so no money in the sympathy card for me. Don’t know if I would feel right about it even if I had the cash.
Isn’t it amazing how you suddenly realize that things you thought were universal are actually regional? I’ve never in my life heard of giving money at funerals - donations to charity, flowers, food, but money? I’d be confused and we’d probably talk about you bemusedly.
