When my dad died last year mom received quite a few cards with $$ in them - none from our family, but many from military people my dad had served with or their widows sent $$.
My mom thought it was nice - I think she pooled the money and went shopping - something she hadn’t been able to do for a long time while providing hospice to my dad.
That being said, mom was also please with just plain old cards, and with every message on the funeral home’s website, and with the flowers, and donations to the charities she chose.
I had never heard of this until my father died in 1978 when many of the sympathy cards had money in them saying “for the family.” It was strange, but I think people’s intent was to help pay for all the incidentals that go with a death. I might give a donation to a cause mentioned in the death notice or have a Mass said for the person, but I still feel strange putting cash in a card.
I’ve done it. I think it’s just practical. There can be unexpected expenses that pop up like printing obituaries, long distance phone calls, gasoline, food, etc. I figure the family knows what they need better than I do and it makes me feel like I helped.
I received several cards with money in them when my mom died. All of the cards were from family members, though. I had to rent a truck to haul all of her stuff several states away and they knew it was going to be expensive.
You can never go wrong with cash, ever, I don’t care what the situation is.
I am a Catholic and our family just dealt with my mother’s funeral. We had about 250 people in attendance. Of all those envelopes received plus envelopes from out of town – I would say that almost 98% of the envelopes contained checks. Some of the people wrote on the card “for Masses for the soul of your mother”, others wrote “for the family”, and still other wrote “as needed”.
Now I have no idea if this is a Cattholic tradition, or a Midwestern tradition or what but I know I was taught from early on that you put “something” in the envelope. Also whatever you put in the envelope is in addition to flowers sent.
I am a Catholic and our family just dealt with my mother’s funeral. We had about 250 people in attendance. Of all those envelopes received plus envelopes from out of town – I would say that almost 98% of the envelopes contained checks. Some of the people wrote on the card “for Masses for the soul of your mother”, others wrote “for the family”, and still other wrote “as needed”.
Now I have no idea if this is a Catholic tradition, or a Midwestern tradition or what but I know I was taught from early on that you put “something” in the envelope. Also whatever you put in the envelope is in addition to flowers sent.
I’ve never heard of money in the card either and I come from a very Catholic part of so cal. Money in wedding cards, money trees and multiple money dances are very common.
For a funeral, for my part, I bake a few pans of fancy cinnamon rolls (my specialty!) when I know the family will have guests to feed. Often there are dishes for lunch and dinner and then breakfast for a crowd is hard to rustle up.:
I have included a check for a small amount ($10-$25, what I could afford) in the case of the death of a small child. There are IMMEDIATE expenses, and insurance often takes its own sweet time to pay.
Losing a child has got to be an incredibly overwhelming experience, and my intention was to try to make daily life a little easier for the family.
~VOW
I’ve never done it, but in some cultures it is expected that you give the widow a condolence card with cash. It’s definitely expected in the Mob, if the Sopranos is to be believed.
When I lived in Detroit, one of my co-workers was murdered. Within days, friends of hers were selling memorial t-shirts to raise money for the funeral. I bet their tradition is to put money with the condolence cards, too, and now I feel bad that I didn’t. In my defense, we don’t do that in my family. No one gave me money when my husband died, although several people made charitable donations in his name.
When my brother died, there were some cards with money, cheques or grocery store gift cards. The first one I opened, it seemed odd to me, but as the days went on and we were just so busy/exhausted/distraught, it started to make sense to have some cash on hand. Before this, it never would have occurred to me, now I see that it is practical and thoughtful. Tacky is not a word that crossed my mind, then or now.
There were a lot of people in and out of the house, so the food that arrived also came in handy. A lot of people brought food and specifically said to throw it in the freezer until we needed it. It sure came in handy.
The best thing was my best friend from high school swooped in and took over. She didn’t call and ask first. She just dropped her kids off at her mother in law’s, walked in and took over for us. I was so grateful. She answered the door, made coffee, kept things flowing. She stayed at the house while we went and did funeral planning, etc. It was wonderful to have someone there to look after things, especially when we had to be elsewhere.
There were a lot of flowers and plants too. I have a huge peace lily in my home that we received when my brother died. At the time, I thought it was a bit, I don’t know, morbid, but I really like it now.
Yes , I am the people you are hiding from with talk of 20 - 50 $ at funerals . Get REAL ! If a dead person was in financial trouble … you know it ! Or you dont know them , send flowers . Hey Man , This family needs help ! Granted I asked for it by clicking on an etiquette button but if you guys are the answer I’m glad ’ not to know ya !’ Since you don’t know I’m going to tell you MY plan . Widows expenses paid . That’s it PERIOD …!!! You paid your ex $2000/ Mo … Got 1/2 that for your best friend ?House too big ? We can’t save that . College loans too big ? Sorry ! No . Room and board ( that means a roof and food ) Ok , she needs 10 s of thousands and a friend who can advise . Be the guy who knows ! Yeah … Responsibility sucks ! do it.
I had never heard of the money thing, but I had only been to funerals as a kid. When my father died, I did get some cards with and some without money. The funeral was expensive and I was unemployed, so the money was very appreciated, but I didn’t think any less of people who sent flowers or a Mass card or just a nice note or food or just showed up. If you are especially close to the bereaved or happen to know that they have a great need, you might want to give more, but I wouldn’t say anything particular is expected.
