My wife and I have taken turns going to funeral homes in recent months-- one goes to pay condolences while the other stays home with the kids.
Whenever I go, I sign the guest book with my name and my wife’s, sometimes even my kids’.
However, we just got a thank you from a family whose viewing my wife went to. The note was addressed just to her.
So I asked her if she just signs her name on the guestbook. She said “Yes, you’re not there, so why the heck would I sign your name?”
I always thought the guest book was a way to pass along condolences, therefore I add my wife’s name to mine when I sign it. She, on the other hand, treats it as a roll call.
Was the “thank you” for attending the service, or for the (express or implied) condolences? You wouldn’t expect to be thanked for attending something you didn’t go to, would you?
In any case, I’m not aware of any hard and fast rule. But if you intend to express condolence and you are not able to do it in person, you could also send a card with a nice hand-written note. This is generally very well received.
There’s no wrong or right way between the two options you described. This is something that is better worked out between you two.
It sounds like you are feeling somewhat shortchanged by your wife in how she has represented your family at these events. Is your concern that the bereaved will think you don’t care if your name isn’t on the list? Explain this to your wife and hopefully she’ll take your concerns into consideration.
I personally don’t think it matters a whole lot. Sometimes people can’t make it to events like funerals, etc. Nothing to get bent out of shape with your spouse over.
Whenever I’ve been in similar situations I feel that I’m representing my family (unless it was someone that my husband didn’t know at all). I sign my name and my husband’s. Generally he wants to express his condolences as well, so that’s what I’m doing as his proxy. Even if he didn’t say it explicitly, I’d assume he would want his condolences expressed.
When my brother in law died, we didn’t send any notes from the guest book - we sent them from the condolence cards and notes. The guest book is, in my mind, who attended. The cards and notes were usually signed by everyone in the family offering their condolences - whether they made it or not (and many of those arrived in the mail as well). We also didn’t send notes to facebook posts, but did make a summary post thanking everyone for the sympathy.
(I don’t buy sympathy cards, our household has correspondence cards with both our names on it for weddings, funerals, graduations, etc that I write a note on). My husband and I each also have our own for individual notes that wouldn’t be appropriate from both of us.)
Dear Stiffed,
I would sign both names so as to express condolences from us as a family. And I believe Mr Beata would sign both of our names as well.
Signed, The Beatas
In my mind, a guest book is for guests, i.e. those who are actually there. If you want to send condolences from the whole family, I’m sure Hallmark has a whole section for just that purpose.
But then, I’m single. I don’t really grok the whole “present-by-proxy” mindset.
Assuming both of you knew the deceased and the bereaved as a couple, my vote is for expressing condolences from both, or all of the family. It’s about paying respects and offering condolences, which presumably the absent party would also want to express?
If the deceased/bereaved were/are mainly friends with the attending spouse/partner, then that spouse/partner should just sign themselves in when they attend.
So I am with the OP, but I’d also be interested to know if there’s an official take on this from Guinastasia’s father. I’m a hospice volunteer and attend quite a few funerals.
Okay, I asked my father. He said that while there’s no official rule on this, it IS considered a way of offering condolences, and not an attendance record. So it looks like what you’re doing is fine, Happy Lendervedder. Now, if your wife doesn’t feel like doing it that way, that’s all right too. Like I said, there’s not a “rule” on it.
But generally, a lot of people will sign for their family since sometimes, they aren’t able to make it there, just so the bereaved know that those absent send their condolences as well. (For instance, when a person’s spouse is working and can’t make the funeral, or someone’s sick, etc)
I am a funeral director and can weigh in on the concept of thank you notes which are an important acknowledgment by the family that a condolence was received.
Generally speaking it is customary to send thank you notes to everyone (meaning 1 to each family) that attended the service, or sent a condolence card or flowers to the bereaved. If multiple family members from one family attended and signed the registry booklet individually, I would recommend that the family send individual cards to those on the list, however if the bereaved was aware that multiple family members attended though only one member signed I think they would be ok with just sending one acknowledgment to the family addressed as “To The (INSERT NAME) Family”
With regard to the family sending a note addressed to the OPs wife, this is directly because she only wrote her name on the registry book and the bereaved could not be blamed for addressing their acknowledgment in this manner.
My late wife and I always signed guest books with both our names even if they other was not present. After 16 years of marriage, I learned that we represent each other as a unit and not just ourselves. But I wouldn’t have been annoyed in the least if she neglected to do this and just signed her name on the registry.
Yes and yes. I would sign for myself only and drop a card from me and whoever in the mail or in a basket if there is one at the funeral home.
Also, I am a proponent of thank-you cards in most situations, but writing a card to everyone who came to the funeral seems like overkill (no pun intended). People who gave flowers or helped out in some way, OK. You thank everyone for coming at the reception.
