Calling Ms. Manners. Etiquette Question

Some of you know me, I’ve been a member of the SDMB since the AOL days.

I have an etiquette question for you to ponder.

First the obituary. My wife of 21 years died on July 11, 2003 (about a week and a half ago). She was 38 years old. She left behind a 13 year old daughter, a 17 year old daughter, a 20 year old son, and a 41 year old husband. Yes we married young. Her health wasn’t that great over the last five years. She suffered seizures, as well as from depression. We used to joke that she had her own shelf on the pharmacy.

I’m beginning to write thank you notes to all the people that have given my family support through this difficult time. The funeral home, as part of the package, provided me with thank you notes. They say on the front: “Your kind expression of sympathy was deeply appreciated, and is gratefully acknowledged by the family of Dawn Michelle xxxxxx”.

Now here are my questions:

  1. Am I expected to write a personal note in each one? Can I just sign it?
  2. As a computer programmer, I’m into automation. I’m assuming it would be impersonal to address the envelopes via printer, or labels?

What’s protocal here? I would die a thousands deaths rather than be rude or insensitive. Which I suppose answers my own question. If in doubt, I should make each one as personal as possible.

Thanks Everybody. If you have anything to say, or add, I’d appreciate it.

Bob McC
Enright3

Im sorry for your loss.

I believe that all the notes and addresses should be hand written. (Whatever Emily Post may say, Miss Manners is very strict on writing notes by hand.)

On the other hand, such notes do not have to be elaborate. A simple “Thank you for your thoughts” or “Your presence meant a lot” is more than adequate to the person about whom you have no clue as to who they are. If they were merely some distant past co-worker of your wife whom you never met, there is noy much you can say beyond the barest expression of thanks for their taking some time to visit the funeral home or the funeral.

Beyond that, however, there is no reason why you should have to handle all the envelopes, alone. Your kids are quite old enough to help out with that task. (I don’t know whether there are strict rules regarding who writes the thank yous, although I would think it quite appropriate to share that task, with each person adding their own name to the card.)

I’m also sorry for your loss and my deepest sympathy to you and your children.

As to the questions, the notes and envelopes should be handwritten (but there are no rules against your children writing some of the notes if you feel they’re ready.)

But the notes need not be excessively detailed; it is understood that you’re still in mourning.

The example in Miss Manners Guide for the Turn of the Millenium reads:

Both posters above have given great advice… a simple “thank you for your comfort during this difficult time” would more than suffice. Unlike wedding thank yous, people are not going to be comparing with one another to see if they got a “better” thank you card, so there is no reason in the world why you can’t use the same phrase or two. I would recommend your older children helping to address the envelopes, not write out the cards themselves, and that you sign all four of your names.

I’m also very, very sorry for your loss. {{hugs}}

-BK

I am sorry for your loss.

I agree that a simple one line note is more than sufficient.

Haj

I’m going to step out of the pack here to say that while a one line personalization in the card is called for in most cases, handwriting the envelopes in this day and age isn’t that big a deal.

I mean, have you ever received a “thank you for your sympathy” card and paid any attention to how the envelope was addressed? I wouldn’t begrudge any grieving family taking whatever steps were allowing their lives to be as uncomplicated and unburdened as possible.

A thank you card, at this point in time shoudl be the least of the family’s concerns. And personally, if I care enough about them to have attended the viewing and/or funeral, then my concern in the weeks following is how they’re managing, not that they put their thank you note envelopes through their printer.

Oh, I’m a clod.

Enright, I am very sorry for your loss. May your family and your memories be a source of comfort for you in this time.

Please add my condolences to the rest. I cannot fathom how people get through times like these.

Did any of these kind friends say, “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do”? Now is the time to take them up on that. If you wish to go the all-handwritten route, there’s no reason why you can’t enlist friends to help with the addressing, while you and your children write the actual notes. I agree with the others that brevity and repetition are fine.

Yes. A hand-written note, including the envelope, is something to be cherished. It’s a very personal touch. A printed envelope or label just doesn’t have that. At my house, it might even get thrown out with the junk mail without getting opened.

My sympathies are with you and your children, and my prayers as well.

Yes, you should add a note to the cards. Yes, it should be hand-written. Yes, it should be very brief. But no one will care if you machine-address the envelopes.

And enlisting the kids to help is a great idea.

Again, I am sorry for your loss.

Regards,
Shodan

After my post, the question pretty much answered itself. I’m handwriting all the notes and addresses. In the big picture, it’s a small thing. It’s typical of one of those things I would have obsessed over for no reason.

Thank you for your kind words.

E3