I teach 7th Grade. One of my former students died Monday. Hanged herself at home. Age? 14.
Yep, 14.
I just got back from the funeral home. I hadn’t seen her since June 2009 and this is not how I expected to see her again. One of my favorite kids.
One of the most optimistic and bubbly kids I’ve seen. Very sanguine and intelligent. 4.0 GPA, too. A rare gem.
Tragic, to say the least.
I have to say, though, I was surprised by the way some people behaved at the funeral home. Most were decent, of course, but some people did not behave the way I expected. Perhaps I’m just out of touch. At 32, have I become the old fogey?
I saw(and all of these were adults):
A guy playing his Nintendo DS in the back…waiting for wife, perhaps? This was in the viewing area, too, which was actually quite large. People were circling around the room to look at artwork from the deceased girl and this guy is plucking away at his DS.
People texting a mere feet away from the body of the 14 year old girl.
People dressed in T-shirt, jeans, and tennis shoes…passing by the casket. One guy had his baseball cap on still.
I’m not judgmental. I mean, I don’t think I am. I’m not a prude. I don’t even wear a tie to work. Am I wrong to think that these behaviors are…impolite?
The mother was sitting on the couch right there, folks. Her kid just hanged herself. Step outside, turn off your cell phone, and put on some decent clothes for once.
I don’t think you’re wrong at all; however, given the importance that texting has now taken on as a form of communication I might give it a pass as perhaps the person was contacting someone for support?
Although if the person texting was an adult it still seems a bit…rude.
Was the Nintendo guy family? Not that it excuses it, but if he’s family, there’s a good chance he’s been there for hours and probably isn’t leaving any time soon. But most of the funeral homes I’ve been to (as family) have had a private area for the ‘loved ones’ to hang out in to do things like have a drink, eat something, play nintendo etc…
I don’t care about the clothes one whit. As long as they were clean and neat, I don’t care what people wear to funerals. And before anyone jumps down my throat, I *do *dress appropriately for a funeral, but I don’t think that that’s important. I have gone to wakes straight from work, does that mean I have less respect?
But the DS and the cell phones should have been rammed up people’s asses. Although that might detract from the funeral, too.
Even so, thinking on it more, I’d rather have these people, the ones that need to be entertained every moment, on their cell phone/DS than chatting or talking or sighing or otherwise disrupting the funeral. At least they’re quiet.
If this is the 14-year old I think it is, the actual funeral is tomorrow. Maybe they’ll be more polite then. Maybe not. Such a sad story all around. Tragic.
One or two texts are okay, I assume that they are giving directions to the funeral home etc., but full conversations are obnoxious. Clothes don’t bother me too much; torn, skanky, or dirty clothes might be disrespectful, but as long as their clean but not dressy it’s okay.
I don’t care about the clothes one whit. As long as they were clean and neat, I don’t care what people wear to funerals. And before anyone jumps down my throat, I *do *dress appropriately for a funeral, but I don’t think that that’s important. I have gone to wakes straight from work, does that mean I have less respect?
But the DS and the cell phones should have been rammed up people’s asses. Although that might detract from the funeral, too. QUOTE]
No, no…doing that to these people would be entirely appropriate anytime, anyplace.
I agree on the clothes. Some people are clueless about clothing; it’s not jerkiness, IMHO, just shows that they’re not a boardroom type person.
On the post about giving the people a pass on the texting, in re: they may have been directing people how to get there…TT, as the kitty would say. Let them go outside to text. Some people need to use the restroom at work…one doesn’t go at their desk, they go to the appropriate place. Same thing.
The casual clothes are annoying, but the cap is positively rude and should be taken off. The other stuff is outrageous. Yes, they should leave the viewing area for that.
I definitely agree with you. Were they with adults? If so I would expect their parents to correct their behavior. If not a polite “reminder” of etiquette might be in order. It’s possible that this was their first viewing, almost certainly the first viewing for one of their peers. Perhaps I’m stretching the benefit of the doubt a bit…
I was recently at a funeral for a 13 year old suicide. There were a lot of 12-14 year olds that were simply dropped off by their parents. Of course they were there with all of their friends, but I couldn’t imagine driving away after dropping a kid off at that funeral. That’s a pretty fucking tough lesson to learn on your own…
Hell yes, it’s rude. (Although, sadly, it’s pretty tame compared to some of the things that go on at funerals*!)
As far as dress codes go, that depends on the funeral itself, though. My friend’s older brother had a biker funeral. But that’s not the norm. Here? Waaaay tacky. And there is absolutely no excuse for playing a video game.
If you have to answer a message from someone, go outside. Don’t sit there and text.
At my father’s funeral home, we have a little counter and sink where you can get a cup of coffee or make yourself some tea, or whatever. But play Nintendo? NO.
*When my aunt was in high school, my father had her help out at a funeral. She said some women were hiding liquor bottles in the toilet tanks!
I’m with those who aren’t too concerned about the clothes. Yes, formal attire is traditional and “better” in a sense, but if the clothes are clean I’ll deal with it - in many ways it’s more important that people show up than they dress in Sunday Best.
A lot of the rest of it - yeah, asshat behavior. Though not surprising, as there are a lot of people who never learned manners. Although texting is probably less disruptive than people having phone calls involving talking. Yeah, hats should be removed - although some exceptions should be made for people like Jews for whom wearing a hat, or at least a minimal head covering, is required but usually they use something other than a baseball cap, ya know? Wouldn’t ask a sikh to doff his turban, either, but hey, it’s not a baseball cap either. I’ll give some allowances to minors who may not be up on formal behavior, but really, their parents should exert some influence here.
It could have been a lot worse… but it also could have been better.
I went to a funeral a few weeks ago where I saw the worst behavior I’d ever seen at a funeral anywhere.
The funeral was in Jerusalem, at 10 p.m. on a Saturday night. Funerals in Israel tend to be rather quick, so the next funeral was scheduled for 10:30 p.m. However, there were over a thousand people there, and many speakers. As the last person was speaking at about 11:15 - the husband of the woman who died - a woman from the next funeral group pushed her way in and started screaming that we were taking too long, we should leave already, and so on and so forth. This was followed by a chorus of people telling her to shut up and get out. As the speaker began again, so did the yelling and screaming.
It was rude even by Israeli standards, and that is saying a lot.
Somewhat more understandable though, as there is a need to get that body underground before another sunset, is there not? I can’t imagine being that second funeral and being told to wait and wait. How did they have a thousand people, several speakers and not be aware they’d run long and put out other grieving families? Someone was rude alright, but I can excuse the outbursts of a grieving widow, who’s, 30 min funeral, has been on hold for 90mins, for losing it. I’m finding it harder to feel much sympathy for those who were interrupted having demonstrated such callous disregard for the needs/suffering of others.
Yeah, I agree that somebody was rude here and it wasn’t the family whose funeral had been delayed for more than an hour with no idea of when they’d be able to finally have it.
I’ll be a dissenting voice on the clothes, and I’ll probably get lambasted for it. Unless you’re poverty-stricken, there’s no reason not to have one outfit that’s appropriate for a serious occasion such as a funeral. It can be as simple as a pair of khakis and a collared shirt. Appropriate shoes (again, unless you have some sort of foot problem that requires athletic shoes or something). I just don’t buy into the excuse of “This is how I always dress, I want to be comfortable, wah wah wah!”
Yes, there are exceptions. You just came from work, where you wear a uniform (but you could bring a change of clothes, no?). And whatever other reasons there may be; I don’t have time right now to think up a bunch of plausible exceptions. But I’m willing to bet that most people who show up at funerals in their jeans/T-shirt/sneakers just don’t care about dressing appropriately for the occasion. Yes it’s more important that people show up. But that’s doesn’t mean that (in most cases) they can’t ALSO dress nicely. You don’t have to be a “boardroom-type person” to grok this.
Flame me if it makes you feel better, but my mind is firm on this.
I can see one or maybe two texts, but even so, excuse yourself, step out to the foyer and text them there. Don’t be standing next to a grieving mom texting away. Rude.
Also, I think wakes are a little less formal than funerals clothing-wise. However, I still think jeans and t-shirts are inappropriate… and the cap MUST go. Perhaps jeans with a nice dress shirt would be tolerable. But I think khakis are the minimum.
