This has been bothering me for weeks. Maybe pitting it will get it away from me.
About two months ago, my grandmother died. It was expected, and we were far from close. She basically disliked me because I was always a tomboy, and I basically disliked her because I never wanted to wear dresses and take ballet, and hated being a disapointment for that. For me, dressing up is wearing a tshirt that doesn’t my works logo on it. This never went over well with her.
However, she died. She was cremated, and buried in a plot with my grandfather. This happened a few weeks after her death, and as I would be seeing her old friends who I had not seen in over 10 years, and because I knew she would have wanted it, I bought a nice outfit, and dressed nicely for the funeral. I was her only granddaughter, and my entire family commented on how she would have wanted to see me dressed as such.
A few weeks later, in passing, I mentioned the outfit and it’s circumstances to a coworker. At which point, she looks me in the eye, and says, “I can’t stand people who dress up for funerals. Funerals aren’t about looking good and wearing nice clothes. They’re about the dead. It’s so hypocritical to get all dressed up for them.”
Excuse me? How dare you, you freaking bitch. You barely know me, and you never met my grandmother. How dare you tell me that it’s wrong for me to dress as she would have wanted for her death? Just thinking about this makes me so mad I’m shaking. You insensitive little bitch.
That is… just weird. I mean, I can think of a lot of annoyances in my life, but people dressing up at funerals isn’t anywhere on the list. And to tell you that to your face, and she’s only an aquaintance? Good God. I mean, “hypocritical?” What the hell?
I agree that it would be tacky to show up at a funeral in a red strapless dress, but it’s entirely appropriate to dress nicely for a funeral. It shows respect. It was wonderful that you chose to present yourself to your grandmother’s old friends in a way that would have made her proud. T’was a mitzvah.
For what it’s worth, I had a similar grandmother situation. I bet you’re having some weird mixed feelings about the whole thing. I sure did. My thoughts go out to you.
Well, actually, they are about the living, the process of mourning, and being respectful of others who mourn. If dressing up is a way to demonstrate respect for others who mourn (even/especially if it is displays sensitivity to the perceived feelings of the deceased), then it is the right thing to do.
On the other hand, the opinion of someone who is so utterly ignorant of the grieving process (and so comfortable passing judgment on people in mourning) is less than worthless, so I would not let her opinion bother you. (Venting here was fine; just don’t let the memory of a twit fester.)
I think it’s great you dressed up for your grandmother. To me, funerals are about closure. It is part of the mourning process in which we remember those passed. Dressing in a way your grandmother would have liked can give one the mental image of an old lady sitting in a chair with a little smile and saying “oh sweety, you look so nice today”.
Leaving the funeral with those thoughts in your head makes the process that much nicer.
Personally, dressing down or going to a funeral in the same clothes you just mowed the lawn in shows disrespect for the dead AND those attending the funeral.
Not always.
When my much beloved Aunt died I went to her funeral in type of clothes I wore every day. Because that was the way she always saw me. She was not a lady of convention herself and as kids we adored her quirky ways. She remained single and very much independent all her life. Had she been at that solemn ceremony she would have been the one poking people in the back to make them laugh, livening things up, so to speak. I became old maid of the family with her passing and the rest at the funeral had no argument with my appearance.
But that’s just us of course. Others may feel differently.
IMO, dressing well is a sign of respect and I think it’s tacky to show up in, say, jeans and a t-shirt. At my great aunt’s funeral last October, a few relatives showed up like that and I was stunned.
Of course, I think it would be even more tacky to share those feelings with those people. It’s not my business how they dress for funerals and so I keep my damn mouth shut, and so should your coworker.
Intent, the decision was yours and yours alone to make. Your choice was a very generous gesture – especially considering that you were not close to your grandmother.
Your co-worker’s comment really has nothing to do with you personally, but it speaks volumes about her! She is irrational, insensitive and rude. Don’t rent her space in your head.
It’s good to vent here, though. And I don’t blame you one bit!
it sounds like you did the right thing for your family, your grandmother’s friends and yourself. you should make a note to yourself that your coworker is not your friend, and she is not someone that you ever want to share your personal business with again.
sigh Miss Manners is weeping, at this very moment, wherever she may be.
I mourn the loss of formality in our society. Whatever happened to dressing for dinner, let alone a funeral? Who in the hell doesn’t dress up to go to a funeral?? That’s like showing up to an early-afternoon wedding in cut-off shorts and a tube top!
It would be one thing if the family normally would not dress up for this sort of thing, if that was the family tradition, I suppose, to each his own…but I simply couldn’t picture myself NOT dressing up for what is generally considered a formal or somber occasion.
Sorry to her about your grandmother.
As for the co-worker, I’m gonna say she was intentionally looking for a way to be snarky to you, and you gave her a great opening. I honestly cannot imagine anyone actually believing that sort of shit.
Like Zoe said, don’t rent space in your head for that co-worker. She’s missing the whole concept of respect for the tastes of the person who has passed away.
Certainly to consider dressing up for a funeral hypocritcal, I have to wonder what she’d consider appropriate wear for a funeral. Scrubs, perhaps so you don’t have to change after the autopsy?
I do believe I’ve entered some Bizarro universe here. I expected you to have gotten crap for not being respectful enough, rather than being too respectful. IMO, it is impossible under normal circumstances to dress too nicely for a funeral.
The only thing I can think is that she believes you dressed up to show off in front of everyone, rather than to honor your grandmother.
That’s what I expected as well. Either that or someone who thought I didn’t grieve because I wasn’t in tears (something I’ve gotten before. Just because I rarely cry, especially in front of others) didn’t mean that I wasn’t grieving.
I think that your actions were incredibly appropriate for your grandmother’s funeral. I don’t understand your coworker’s comments at all.
Another voice to say you did the right and graceful thing, and your coworker isn’t worth a bucket of day-old spit.
I’d echo the suggestion never to share any personal details with her again. A person who’d say something like that is very likely, IMO, to talk behind your back about your business, putting the worst possible spin on it. A cool civility, and conversation strictly limited to business, is all she should get from you henceforth.
I think it was very thoughtful of you to dress up. As tomndebb said, Funerals are for the living - and it was nice of you to show your respect for her wishes, and to make her friends feel a bit better, by dressing up.
Re: “dressing down”: I think it depends on the circumstances. When my grandmother died, we could tell the people who attended her funeral that didn’t know her very well. How? They were the ones who commented on my mom’s attire of a purple sweatsuit and my grandmother’s red hat.
She’d already told everyone (including, I believe, my grandmother) that THAT was the outfit she was going to wear to her funeral.
Yes, my grandmother’s favorite color was purple.
Everyone who knew my grandmother understood exactly why my mom was dressed that way - and yes, it WAS because of my grandmother’s favorite poem.
Funerals and weddings are major events, milestones. They’re the events you remember in the lives of your friends and relatives.
I have little respect for anyone who’d make a point of being a dick at one of these events. The main thing you will now remember about this person is that she said something thoughtless at your grandmother’s funeral.
You did the right thing, absolutely, and don’t waste emotional energy on an acquaintance who hasn’t a clue.
When my brother died suddenly at age 27, all the women were all asked by his wife to wear spring colours, dresses with flower patterns. It seemed that a week before he died, commenting on a funeral that was shown on tv, my brother told her how he wanted people to dress at his funeral, what music to play, and how to celebrate. It felt sort of eerie, but we respected her/his wishes. The funeral was in Calgary, and we had flown in from Montreal, so my mother, sisters, and I spent the afternoon before the funeral shopping for new dresses because we had brought dark, conservative clothes.
Nobody at the funeral or at the party after (yes, a party, as per his wishes) made any negative comment on the fact that we were dressed in an unusual fashion for such an occasion. I also got quite drunk, for the second time in my life. I’m sure he would have enjoyed seeing his older sister drunk and telling jokes at his funeral.