Today I went to a memorial for a friend. I dressed nicely as one would do for such an event. I do believe that there are two times one should dress well, church on Sunday and funerals.
I was rather surprised at the amount of dungerees I saw being worn. But I reckon not every one was brought up as rigidly as I was. However, I was very dismayed at the service.
My late friend and I had one big thing in common, we are or were, High Episcopalians, and from our conversations together, very happy with our religion.
The minister at the memorial was from a demonination I am not familiar with, nor from the amount of times the founder was mentioned do I suppose the minister suspected anyone else was. Ernest Holmes. I could look him up, but I don’t care to.
The service was goofy enough to give me all the information I need or want to know. The minister kept refering to my late friend as being crucified and resurrected. It was just so far from what I know my friend believed that I had a hard time keeping my big mouth shut.
I suppose what I am getting at is that if you should pass away, and knock wood, it should never happen, please make sure your wishes are known regarding what or whom you want presiding at the service. I did, after the service, I called one of my kids and made it very clear about who and what I want.
I attended the funeral of a friend a couple of years ago where the minister got up and the first words he said were “deardeparted has said that she did not want God mentioned today - but I’m sure He will forgive her for that -”
He carried on for about half an hour about heaven and the angels. It was so full on that I’m surprised my atheist friend didn’t prise open her coffin and walk out of the funeral home.
She had told her family, they just didn’t respect her enough to follow her wishes. I can only hope that mine will do better if it ever comes to that. If it’s down to the kid, years from now, she’ll make sure to put the ‘fun’ in funeral for me.
The minister started preaching *hellfire * at my Grandmother’s funeral, and upset my Mom so bad she walked out.
See? this is why I’m having a party when I die.
I’m sorry you lost your friend HUG
It isn’t rigid to expect people to dress better than jeans at a memorial service. Paying your last respects means being respectful, and most people include their dress in that (especially when the deceased was someone who would not have appreciated jeans at her memorial).
The minister was from a “Science of Mind” church. The book THE SECRET is probably the most recent popular manifestation of that teaching. Celebrity adherents: Christina Applegate & David Faustino. Jesus is seen as the Ideal and our major role model, one of the first to realize our innate Divinity. I imagine the minister was trying to say that as JC is our leader so in our live, death & afterlife, we follow His path of crucifixion & resurrection.
I agree with everything you say about solidifying your funeral plans. Regarding attire however in this day & age, people get so busy that if they have things to do before and after the funeral, it may not be possible to get dressed up.
And of course, sorry about the loss of your friend.
I agree that something like this can ruin a funeral. When my uncle died, the preacher went on and on about hellfire and brimstone, which was even more uncomfortable because my uncle wasn’t a religious man. All I could think was, ‘‘How disrespectful, how self-centered that you would use the sudden passing of a young man as a platform for your ideology.’’ It left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.
The weirdest funeral I have been to was much like janis_and_c0’s experience. My grandmother was violently anti-religious. To the point that she called Jesus “that bastard” because his parents weren’t married when his mother got knocked up:D I have no idea who picked the preacher, but this guy was preaching hellfire and brimstone and beating the hell (quite literally, I imagine!) out of his bible. My sister and I were about to die laughing, because we both had visions of Gramma coming up out of the casket to knock the preacher in the head.
We recently lost out COO at work to cancer. She was a very sweet woman, with a somewhat twisted sense of humour. I didn’t get to go to the memorial, but per her wishes, they played “Happy Trails” at the end of the ceremony.
You can tell your loved ones where and how and when and why, but you can’t trust them to listen. My father told me in no uncertain terms that he was to be buried in the Veterans’ cemetery – “they owe me a spot there” – and under no circumstances next to his family in the family plot. Guess where my siblings insisted he be buried?
Oh jeez, what a nightmare. My husband is a recovered Catholic ( ) and I know that if he dies before his mother, I will have words with her over his service. He will not be buried, especially in a church cemetery, and he will not have a church funeral. He will grudgingly allow me to have a memorial, on a beach or something, then to scatter his ashes somewhere cool.
That’s it. No priest, no hymns, no bible verses.
I actually went to an outstanding service recently, at Mount Sinai in LA. A very young (to me, anyway) rabbi was officiating, and it was the best service I have ever been to- there was humor, sadness, reflection… and the best part? It was about Norm- not the rabbi or whatever. I approached him after the service to thank him, and I told him I wished he could “do” all my religious events! We laughed, because I am not Jewish and he knew it.
Sorry about that. It is quite a shock. A non-religious friend of mine died recently and a memorial service was held. We watched a slideshow of her, people got up and said a few words and then her born again Christian son got up and … well most of us quietly sidled out. She had three kids and she told me the one she was most concerned about was the born again one. “Was it really that bad?” she said (meaning his upbringing and that he had turned to religion).
There were more of us outside the hall than inside. She would have laughed along with us.
I had to shut the front door on the vicar who showed up at my dad’s wake, with my toasted ex-Catholic mum yelling “Don’t let him in”. He cut a terrifying figure at the door with his black robes flapping like a huge bat. What was he thinking?
Funerals are for the living so when I pass away I will leave a few sparse instructions for those people who want to honor my final requests and let them make whatever other decisions they choose. But honestly even if they don’t cremate me like I’d prefer it isn’t a big deal because I won’t know about it. Hell, they could sell my body to necropheliacs and I wouldn’t know the difference.
I’m Episcopal, like the OP, and I already have my funeral plans on file at the church. There’s a cabinet drawer just for those of us who plan ahead.
When I brought it in Fr. Steve, the cathedral dean, said “Oh, I wish more people would do this!”
My reasons for doing this boiled down to the fact that although most of my family belong to Christian denominations of one sort or another I’m the only one who’s Episcopal, and they might not know what I would have selected out of the options in the prayer book.
I just posted a thread about the funeral I went to yesterday. In our family there are tears during the ceremonies, but afterward there tend to be food and laughter and food. (The religious side of the family aren’t big on alcohol, but you can usually find a beer.)
My parents did this recently, too. The priest at the time made the same comment, then added he especially wished that more of the retired religious persons he knows or has known would do it, especially - since they have had to go through the process of fixing something together on very short notice.
This was my initial reaction, too – funerals are definitely for the living–but I think the same things that would have been offensive to the deceased are likely to hurt the survivors, friends and family members as well. Grandma the Atheist may not be around to feel the injustice of having her last wishes ignored by Uncle Buster, true. But Grandma’s family and friends will be there too, knowing what a selfish twat Uncle Buster is for arranging a religious service. And that sort of blatant disregard for the personality and wishes of the deceased can be quite painful when trying to cope with a loss.
It’s been twenty years since my fathers funeral. I remember who showed up, especially some people who surprised us. But I don’t remember much at all about what they were wearing at Dad’s funeral.
heck, at my dads funeral this past summer there were jokes during the service … he had 120 people show up on a monday morning … and the memorial was about an hour and at least 30 people shared memories and jokes about my dad.
Only two cousins spoke during the actual service. One told an amusing story; and the other read remembrances from the seven children, several of which induced laughs. At my dad’s memorial (he was buried at sea by the Navy, so we didn’t have a funeral per se) we had the little pamphlet thing with a recent photo of him. After the non-family left, the ‘real’ pamphlet was distributed: Dad with his back to the camera, bent over a bit, looking over his shoulder, standing next to a DEAD END sign.
My generation (I’m 55) wear dark suits to funerals (even if we have to hire them).
I used to find funerals upsetting and be nervous about when to stand, what the hymn tune was etc (I’m an atheist).
However, when my Mum was in the hospice, she told us what she’d like to happen at her funeral. She asked me to give the eulogy (which was very hard to do, but I’m really glad I did it).
I wrote down what she wanted (a humanist celebration of her life with selected music; no standing needed by the congregation), then she asked me to read it all back.
I did so and she said “That’s just right - I wish I could be there!”
We all laughed.
I showed her my speech and asked if I could include this story. She said fine.
When I gave the eulogy and got to that bit, there was laughter in the Crematorium - which then quickly died out. I immediately said “Mum would have liked that laughter” and there was a good atmosphere throughout.
Afterwards many people said it was the best funeral they’d been to. (I know that may sound odd, but they meant it as a combination of rememberence and relief.)
Inspired by her example, I’m having the same format when I finally go.
I’ve chosen the music*, given the local humanist information about me so she can write something meaningful and given copies of all this to my close relatives.
I’m not generally known for my sartorial prowess, but I do own a dark suit. (I clean up fairly well when I want to.) Funerals, weddings, job interviews, and messing with coworkers on occasion are reasons why men should have at least one suit.
I think that if one doesn’t have ‘appropriate’ attire for a funeral, one does the best one can. Yes, most people were dressed more casually than I think appropriate for the occasion; but they did seem to be doing their best. (And the cowboy suits were a cultural thing, I think.) Renting tuxedos is common here. But I’ve never heard of anyone renting a suit for a funeral.
EDIT: Sorry, the specific things I was thinking of was from the funeral I went to Saturday; not referring to the one in the OP.
) and I know that if he dies before his mother, I will have words with her over his service. He will not be buried, especially in a church cemetery, and he will not have a church funeral. He will grudgingly allow me to have a memorial, on a beach or something, then to scatter his ashes somewhere cool.
