Shopping for a dress to wear to my grandmother's funeral

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Which just doesn’t feel right.

I’ve mentioned that both my grandmothers weren’t doing so well. Well, my mom’s mom, Grandma Wanda, has her second and final angioplasty tomorrow to remove the last of the blockage, and if she makes it through the operation-which, I have no doubt she will, she’s on the road to recovery. Grandma Wanda is a really tough, spunky little old lady, with tons of chutzpah, and if anyone in the family lives to be 100, it’ll be her.

Grandma Mary, on the other hand, had been in the new nursing home for less than a week when yesterday morning, she was rushed to the hospital because she couldn’t breath. Apparently, she developed pneumonia, she’s septic, and her kidneys are shutting down. They’ve got her on oxygen and a morphine drip, to keep her comfortable, but it’s only a matter of time. I’ll be surprised if she lasts the next 24 hours. It’s not unexpected, but still, seeing her at the hospital was just awful. She did NOT look like my grandmother. She’s completely emaciated-she makes Gollum look voluptuous, pale, her nails bitten down, her hair a mess. It just isn’t right.

Death and old age is hideous. It totally robs you of your dignity.

But anyways, today my mother, my sister and I went shopping for clothes to wear to the funeral. I found a nice dark brown dress to wear, as did my sister (not the same dress, just the same color), and my mother found a cream-colored suit. There’s something extremely macabre and wrong about shopping for an outfit for a funeral-especially when said person isn’t dead yet.

At any rate, I’m not asking for sympathy, or pity, or hugs, or even prayers. I just felt like talking about it. My father’s the one I’m really worried about-he’s the executor of my grandparents’ will, he’s got power of attourney in all but name now (since my grandfather isn’t fit to make decisions), AND he’s in charge of the funeral.

2

Well, you don’t want sympathy, but talk about it as much as you want, Guin. Geoff and I will be thinking of you and your family.

3

Thanks. I do appreciate that very much.

I mean, I’ll accept sympathy, I just didn’t want anyone to think I was fishing for huggles and what not.

4

It is odd, and perhaps why a good warddrobe has in it “one to wear to a wedding, one to wear to a funeral” for each season. Because death, in particular, can happen unexpectedly and you don’t need the stress of shopping on top of it.

Anyway, hugs you didn’t want. Its difficult to lose your grandparent.

5

I’m sorry about your grandmother. Yes, I suppose it must feel odd about the shopping.I’ve got round that in the past by dint of "oh, I can drag out a dark navy dress I have somewhere …). However, if your grandmother passes over and you do have a funeral to go to, then I rather think you will be glad that the shopping hassle has already been done, you know?

What a rotten time for you and for your family, though. Hugs, anyway.

6

I know someone who decided at one point that she needed to just leave one nice funeral appropriate dress, and one pair black shoes at her parents house. Just about every time she visited them, someone in the extended family died.

As opposed to the more common formula–we only get together for weddings and funerals.

7

it is odd to think of funeral things before the death. however it does make things much easier when the time does come.

you have a tough time ahead of you, i’ll keep you and yours in my thoughts.

8

I have one funeral outfit. It is a three season seperates. A brown rayon Laura Ashley skirt with timeless flowers on it and a black sweater set. And comfy black or brown shoes.

I didn’t realize that I have worn this number for all the funerals in my life for the last ten years. It is just a solid staple in the wardrobe for those kinda affairs. It helps that in the 10+ years that I’ve owned it I’ve put on (mumble) amount of weight and it has an elastic back on the skirt.

I told my mom, when I ended up wearing it for Easter or something recently, that, " This is the outfit I will wear to your funeral. So you better die in the fall thru Spring. If it is summer, I’m wearing my bathing suit."

" I’ll do my best to help with your wardrobe."

" Yer a peach, ma."

When she dies, I’m burning it.

9

There may be some small comfort in “preparing” by buing your dress. Do what feels right for you. If it helps you cope, don’t think it’s weird or morbid.

When I was fourteen, a friend of mine died slowly from bone cancer. About a month before she died, I started preparing. I wrote her a note to be placed in the casket aand gathered a few little items to put in there with her, and bought my outfit for the service. In a way, it helped me to accept what was happening and took away a tiny bit of that helpless feeling I had. I’m glad I did it.

10

Oh, I know it’s good to be prepared, and I agree, very practical, and all that. It just feels wrong to have to do it, that’s all. One of those things you KNOW you have to do, but you don’t like doing.
Anyways, thanks you guys.

11

I did exactly the same thing with my SIL (who had exactly the same symptoms your gram has). It is weird, but don’t count her out just yet. We pulled the plug and took SIL off the respirator and lo and behold, she started breathing on her own and is now a gagillion percent better than she was 2 months ago.

Wishing you and your family strength and peace.

12

I’ve had to shop for funeral attire beforehand, too. It’s difficult.; I know how you feel.

13

Guin, I had to do the same thing preparing for my dad’s death.

It sucks. On SO many levels - it just sucks.

I’m thinking about you. Email me if you want to talk.

14

Kalhoun, I’m afraid it’s past recovery. My dad’s up at the hospital right now-we were told her stats are dropping, and she’s not going to last the day. At this point, death would be better-if she DOES recover, she’ll probably end up a vegetable, which she DOES NOT WANT.

We’re having a very hard time telling my grandfather that THIS IS IT. He won’t believe it. And no, it’s not a denial, he’s afraid to be hurt kind of thing. My grandfather, well, let’s just say the less said, the better.

15

Have you considered asking your grandmother what you should wear? If she knows and accepts that she’s dying, she may want to be involved in the planning. My grandmother specifically said that nobody should wear mourning clothes. She wanted us all dressed up and looking like we were heading for a wedding or happy occasion. She also insisted on the cheapest possible coffin. Your grandmother may think a color or style looks best on you and want you to wear that.

If your grandmother had things she wanted to give you, now is the time to take them. Funerals bring the relatives nobody likes-and who claim everything not explicitly mentioned in the will. If she never thought to put in writing that she wanted you to have that special cameo, grab it now. It feels odd at first. But my Zeyde Herman would have wanted me to have his dogtags and hiking boots. My Uncle Max would have wanted me to have his mini zippo and pipe. You cannot steal what is rightfully yours.

16

I’m very sorry, Guin. I’ll be thinking about you.

17

I’m very sorry, Guin. Hang tough with your family. I hope she goes peacefully. It’s very hard.

18

Read the OP-I bought my dress. It’s a very pretty, stylish dress. It’s dark brown, with a flared skirt, with a gathered waist and a rhinestone brooch on the bodice. Besides, she hasn’t been able to talk to any of us, or even been aware, I believe, since they brought her in.
We were there earlier tonight, her breathing is getting shallower. (Thing is, her heart’s still going, but that’s about it.) But she’s not in any pain, or even aware anymore, so at least she won’t suffer.

I came over while my mom and sis went shopping, and made my father go down to the cafeteria to get something to eat-he hadn’t eaten all day. Then a little while ago, Mom and sis arrived, and then the three of us came home.

My dad is planning the funeral-he’s ordering all of her favorite flowers (calla lilies), and he’s got all of us grandkids participating. My sister’s cantoring, and I know my grandmother would have loved that (because she always loved hearing my sister sing, and was very proud of her), and I’m filling in as a paulbearer for my cousin, who’s still in Iraq. (He’s supposed to come home in a week, but they won’t let him come early, because grandparents aren’t “immediate” family). Then his sister can’t come from Wisconsin because SHE’S due to give birth in three weeks. Oy.

I’m just waiting here, jumping every time the phone rings.

I do, however, have some good news-Grandma Wanda came through her surgery with flying colors, and when we saw her, she was already around and cranky and wanting to go home! Heeehee! She ate pretty good too, and she was joking around with us. She’ll go home sometime later tomorrow, and we’re going to put her bed down in her dining room, like we did when my grandfather was sick before he died. (Her dining room is pretty damned big). And we’ll have a nurse come in, and such. The only problem is getting her to stick to her diet.

(They keep you AWAKE during angioplasty! Apparently, they want you to be aware so they can check on your vitals or whatever. ACK!!!)

19

I’m sorry to see you go through this. My thoughts go to you and your family.

“Those who live in the hearts of others…
Never die.”

20

I’m very sorry. Good thoughts for you and all your family.