I attended a funeral today with my GF for the sister of her friend. I wore a dark suit and a dark tie. My GF wore a modest but nice black dress, with dark heels.
Many others at the funeral were similarly attired. But there were a significant number of guys that were wearing bright colors. Even worse IMHO were the guys (I noticed perhaps a half dozen at this well attended event) that were wearing polo shirts.
Overall, everyone was dressed very casually. I’d say 1/3 or fewer of the men were wearing full suits & ties, and at least 1/3 of the men weren’t even wearing a jacket. Has funeral etiquette changed, or was this just an odd (or dare I say it, disrespectful) bunch?
edit: the deceased was 27, and almost all of the funeral goers were between the ages of 20 and 50.
I’d say a bright polo and khakis is less casual than optimal, but not all the way to disrespectful. I wouldn’t let my guy go to a funeral without a jacket and tie, though.
ETA - if the best somebody can do is clean pants and a collared polo shirt, I’m pleased they came. If they could do better and knew better and still didn’t put on a jacket and tie, I don’t think that’s really appropriate.
I’ve noticed polo shirts at funerals…also khaki pants, short-sleeved Oxford shirts, etc…
A lot of men don’t own a suit. A surprising number of people also do not own any traditional “nice clothes,” the sort you’d expect at a wedding or a funeral. Whether by choice, opportunity, or lack of finance.
In the case of a wedding, you would be presumed to have time to get yourself outfitted properly–or decline the invitation if you don’t want to bother–but a funeral is by its nature a relatively sudden event. If it’s the death of someone important enough to you to attend, I would imagine it’s better to attend in “casual clothes” than not attend at all.
As long as you are respectful in demeanor, and not wearing shorts and sandals, I don’t see a problem or any disrespect to the deceased. Particularly since it was a young person, presumably with a lot of young friends.
For the recent funeral of a co-workers wife (late 30s), the notice / invitation explicitly stated that casual was considered appropriate. Funeral etiquette has changed, in this instance at least.
Sorry to hear about her friend’s loss. That’s too young.
As for the question, I would not go to a funeral wearing a brightly colored outfit. That does seem rather tacky unless you’re very close to the family and know they don’t care about things like that. I would consider a casual outfit in subdued colors as appropriate though.
(But the odds are that her family was too preoccupied with grief to really care about it anyway)
There are people who have no nice black clothes in their wardrobe? :dubious:
Am I old-fashioned? I’ve had a black skirt and black top in my closet ever since I was a teenager; not specifically for funerals, but also with them in mind. Maybe I’ve just had to go to more funerals than most people.
Japanese rank among the most formal for funerals and weddings.
Men wear black suits, white shirts and black ties. You can sometimes see someone in a dark navy or gray suit, but rarely any other color, let alone without a suit jacket. It’s an impressive sight, seeing several hundred men and women dressed all in black. I like the formality of it and the respect for the deceased.
When I went back to Salt Lake for my cousin’s funeral, I was surprised that I was one of the few in an actual suit and not just a sport coat, and shocked to see people show up in jeans and t-shirts.
I’m willing to say that if you’re over the age of 18, and don’t own a suit, or at the least, have a sportscoat, shirt, tie and dress pants that look decent, then you’re kind of a loser.
That’s pretty much a requirement for non white-trash men- you need them for weddings, funerals, job interviews, etc…
I’ve never been to a funeral in anything less than a coat and tie, and usually in a full suit. Same goes for weddings (well, except for the one in Puerto Vallarta, where the best man was in flip flops).
It is disrespectful in my opinion- it implies that they couldn’t be bothered to put on at least a tie for someone’s final ceremonies, and that’s just rude.
I specifically keep one or two conservative dresses (yes, dresses, they must be dresses*) in my wardrobe, along with a simple necklace and earrings, specifically to wear to funerals, because the rest of my stuff is either too ratty or too obnoxious for a funeral. Mr. S keeps a nice suit in his closet for the same reason.**
I’m willing to allow*** casual clothes at funerals if the person truly can’t afford a nice outfit, or if there’s something about the deceased that calls for something different (he loved Hawaiian shirts or something). But I suspect that most of the [del]slobs[/del] casually dressed people don’t qualify for the too-poor excuse. A lot of people these days wear whatever the hell they want regardless of the occasion.
*The only time I have not worn a dress to a funeral was in January when the temperature was in the double digits below zero. And instead of the van, we drove our shittier but small car that was more likely to start.
**Hell, for one funeral (a suicide, the young spouse of a not-immediate family member) I decided that my “funeral dress” had been around the block too many times, and Mr. S had lost weight so his suits didn’t fit well any more, so we went on an emergency shopping trip. The situation just seemed to call for utmost formality.)
***No, I don’t give people the stinkeye for not being dressed to my specifications at funerals. But I notice them, and I’ll think whatever I like.
Do tuxedo rental shops rent black suits suitable for a funeral? Because the one time I had to fly somewhere because my brother was seriously ill, I was wondering if I should pack a suit, just in case. I decided not to (and fortunately he recovered) but I wonder what people do when they fly somewhere and have to attend an unexpected funeral.
It’s exactly because I don’t often have occasion to wear a suit in my daily life that I would never even consider attending a funeral without one. It’s the most solemn and therefore most formal event that most of us will attend, and therefore the one with the highest claim on formal dress. The only way I’d ever wear something less formal than a suit would be if I were explicitly told to do so, and even there I’d err on the side of solemnity in my choices.
I’m not running around picking fights - indeed, I doubt I’d actually notice more casual wear in sombre colours - but I’d think bright colours would seem like a conscious attempt to be disrespectful. Looking festive at a funeral has no possible interpretation other than “Ding, dong, the witch is dead.”
I may be wrong, but it’s always been my understanding that all-black is worn only by the immediate family of the deceased. Of course, I also believe that at one time, the immediate family would wear black for a year, so it’s entirely possible my funeral etiquette is all-around outdated.
I would not dress casually for a funeral, but I would wear a subdued color such as navy or grey, and I would not wear slacks (I’m a girl, that’s probably important to know here) unless it was very cold and I was expected to be at a graveside ceremony outdoors. At my age, I’ve learned it’s useful to have a least one funeral-appropriate dress for each season sigh
I was wondering how long before one of you people showed up.
Others have already given the reasons why a solemn occasion calls for formal, solemn clothing, with few exceptions. A funeral is not about you (generic you, referring to the mourners) and your comfort. It is about paying respect to the memory of the deceased, and, yes, to the living people who are left behind. If I may channel George Costanza, we’re living in a society, which means that certain occasions call for a certain level of dress to express a certain demeanor.
It’s a few hours out of your life. You can change back into your sweats when you get home.
Most of the funerals and/or showings I’ve attended over the last decade or so involve people who wish to show their sorrow, but because of their jobs, can only come by for a short while, perhaps on their lunch hour. They come wearing their work clothes-- a bright polo shirt with an engineering firm logo, or a restaurant uniform, or whatever. Funeral customs don’t take into account the fact that not everyone can take an extended part of a day off of work.
When my stepfather passed away, some friends came by on a short break from work to express their condolences, and see if my mom and I were doing okay. I was later taken to task by a relative for having uncouth friends, and that they shouldn’t have come by at all if they couldn’t have gotten the day off of work. Right.
Somber clothes and dress are nice, and my own preference, but I’m not going to automatically assume that people who aren’t dressed “right” don’t know or don’t care. Maybe they do know and do care, but they also care about having the opportunity to support those who are grieving… and I’ll take care and friendship over hoping they’re dressed up.
Well, I won’t really care much what people are wearing to my funeral, as I’ll be dead. I’m fairly certain that my family will be too busy mourning to care about who’s underdressed. Other funeralgoers? Maybe. Good thing it’s not their concern.
I’d rather forego the whole funeral deal, if I had my way. That’s money that could be better spent on… well, anything. An expensive wooden box in which my corpse will decompose isn’t exactly something I consider a good investment.
But if my family insists on having a funeral for me, I insist on no dress code, and an open bar.
I’m willing to say that you’re wrong. I didn’t get a suit until I was 24, and only because I was in a wedding. I’m doing quite well for myself, thankyouverymuch.
I’m not going to reply to the rest of your post, as this is the wrong forum, but I will mention that for every funeral I’ve been to in recent memory, I’ve worn either what I’d wear to church (if I went [jeans and a polo]), and usually the darkest I had. Hell, I never even owned a tie until I bought my suit, and only wore a borrowed one during my final senior design presentation, and only because my group members forced me to.
I have been to exactly two weddings (my own and my brother’s) for which I rented a nice outfit. I have not been to a funeral. When my father passed away, it was only my three brothers and I in a very private situation. I haven’t been to a job interview in decades and am self employed. I have some nice shirts and ties, but it ends there.
I do have a snazzy Yemeni headscarf and Syrian robe tho.
