So I have to go to a funeral this afternoon, and I have two choices of outfits.
One is a dress I wore to a cousin’s wedding–it’s black with white polka dots. The other is black dress pants, with a nice black sweater.
On the one hand, a dress seems more appropriate to me, but it’s got polka dots. Polka dots just seem too frivolous for a funeral to me. And the pants outfit is pretty and a bit more comfortable, but it’s pants. Is that okay?
Pants/sweater, unless the bereaved family are extremely socially conservative & find women in pants to be offensive.
I think polka dots really are not funeral wear.
Depends on the funeral. I don’t own suits (man here) and it’s never been an issue; in general I just select the best looking dark/black clothes. This usually boils down to dark gray jeans, black button shirt and dark gray/black woolen coat (depending on weather). No tie (not wearing that for anyone - especially not for anyone I’d go to a funeral for).
ETA: I think the polka dots are probably not a good idea.
It sounds like you want confirmation that the pants are ok. So here you go.
The pants are ok. Wear them.
If you’re deadset on the dress, I’d find a wrap or shawl or something that could be thrown over it to mute the polka dots.
I vote pants. Polka dots do seem frivolous.
But the important thing is to be there, offering support to the bereaved. Even in jeans and a t-shirt.
Thanks, everyone for confirming my instincts on the polka dots. Pants it is.
This thread is now open to all discussion of funeral protocol, I guess.
The decision is made, but I’ll confirm: I’m usually pretty strict with myself about wearing dresses/skirts to funerals*, but in this case the pants win. No polka dots!
Well, the polka dots are fine for, say, an elderly person’s funeral. Not a teenager hit by a drunk driver. (And if they’re small polka dots instead of great big ones I think it would be absolutely fine.) Myself, I think I’d have worn the dress, but I wouldn’t have blinked at pants. It also depends on your relationship to the deceased - you can be less formal if you are more tenuously related.
Just got back…I was fine in pants. There were more women wearing pants then there were wearing dresses. Even the widow wore pants.
I wasn’t personally close to the deceased…he was the father of one of my oldest and dearest friends, but I hadn’t seen him since her wedding about ten years ago. I went mainly to support my friend.
God, that was hard watching her say a final goodbye at the casket. We’re too young to be losing our parents already (early thirties). What makes things worse is her mom is in Stage IV cancer right now. They’ve all been preparing themselves to lose her, and then out of the blue her dad drops dead of a heart attack.
I really want to give both of my parents a big hug right now, but they’re in New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl. (Go Hogs!)
I’m in a weird mood. Good thing I have an appointment with my therapist in a couple of hours.
At least you weren’t wearing the same thing as the deceased. I’m mean you really wouldn’t want to be caught, err, never mind …
Sorry, but not really. Life is too short to be serious all the time, even at funerals. When my father died, we made a party of the funeral. Yeah, we were sad he was gone but we celebrated his life.
best ‘funeral’ i ever went to was a ‘no-holds-barred-in-your-face-full-on’ irish/polish wake. complete with glass of excellent single-malt sitting on top of the deceased’s casket. no it wasn’t open. it wasn’t THAT full-on. the gentleman in life had repeatedly told his family his death was to be celebrated as a party - and damned if he didn’t specify x number of dollars in his will to used as such. 
You missed the third option: treat yourself to that long black dress you’ve wanted since whenever.
After my comments earlier, I just bought a black tie with (tiny) white dots on it for a funeral this coming Monday.
My Dad wore jeans and a polo shirt to his own wake. More than one person remarked that they were glad he wasn’t dressed up because it wouldn’t have looked right.
My brothers and I agreed ahead of time not to wear ties. Mom wore a pant suit. Visitors came in everything from suits to t-shirts.
My point? It didn’t matter one bit. We appreciated everybody who made the effort to come out and pay their respects, and what they wore had nothing at all to do with it. I suspect more greiving families than not would feel the same way.
This sentiment appears a lot in these types of threads (and that’s fine). I’d just like to point out that some of us prefer to SHOW our respect by dressing in what we feel is a respectful manner, rather than any old way because the family won’t notice or care, and that’s the issue being addressed.
I know that for myself, I FEEL more respectful when I’m dressed formally at a funeral. It’s important to me. So that’s how I dress, and I choose my funeral wardrobe with care.
If I ever write a will, one clause in it is going to be “if you INSIST on having a funeral, no wearing black. Wear anything else you want. Anyone who shows up in a black outfit is going to show that they either a. don’t care about my wishes or b. don’t know me and are only there for the free food/to hit on my widow and should be escorted out.”
I don’t care what you do with your funeral, but for the sake of your family, write a will, and do it now. And include end of life care stuff. I’ve seen way too many times what happens when people don’t. And sorry to be morbid, but that bus could be just around the corner.