I got to a lot of funerals - occupational hazard. As a nurse at the nursing home where the deceased used to live, it’s kind of inappropriate for me to turn up wearing all black as if I were an official mourner (after all, usually them and their dearly beloved have given me years of crap before the inevitable relocation to the big nursing home in the sky 
). I save a dark, dark blue outfit for these occasions.
I recently attended a visitation and funeral mass for the same person. At the visitation people stopped in wearing whatever they were wearing in the late afternoon. Work clothes and even some shorts and t-shirts (the deceased was young). At the church the next day everyone wore church clothes. I live in a fairly rural area and everything is a bit more casual then in a larger city.
When I attend funerals in my home town, a large city, people wear church clothes to the visitation and dress a little bit more formal for the church service.
I think it depends where you live and the age of the deceased.
The point isn’t that you won’t care what people wear to your funeral, or that you’d want them to be comfortable, drunk, naked, whatever. The point is that there’s a social standard as to what is expected at a conventional funeral, and to flout that standard, unless there are special circumstances, is inconsiderate.
Wearing black (or at least dark) formal clothes to a funeral is so ingrained in my consciousness that it’s really jarring to hear people say it’s okay to wear jeans and a t-shirt. Even my most causally-dressed and irreverent friends don a suit and tie for funerals. But different strokes for different folks, I suppose.
“A woman who shows up at a funeral even more droopily festooned in black than the widow is making what is known as a fashion statement.” - Miss Manners
I’ll third George Castanza. It doesn’t matter how much money he makes–even if he’s frickin’ Bill Gates, if he doesn’t understand how to function in SOCIETY, e.g., he’s never bothered to have a suit on hand for those necessary occassions, then he’s got a big “L” imprinted on his forehead, in my book.
If I were going to a funeral on my lunch break, then I’d wear my suit to work.
I’m not much on these kinds of social standards, and it’s my funeral, so I can make the rules. I feel fine about being “inconsiderate” in doing so. To whom am I being inconsiderate, exactly?
When the time comes to plan my mother’s funeral, I’ll be just as appreciative of the person in a suit and tie showing up as I would be of someone showing up in shorts and a t-shirt. I really won’t care what they’re wearing, and I’m pretty confident that mother wouldn’t have minded, either.
I’m not too concerned about what others wear, as long as they act civilized. I also tend to go a little less formal for memorial services and visitations. Sounds strange, I know, but visitations are usually a little more casual in this neck of the woods and most memorial services that I attend, the deceased was usually more laid back in life.
When I lived in Hawaii, it was common for funeral notices to say “Aloha attire,” meaning Aloha shirts and such should be worn to the service.
♪ It’s my fun’ral and I’ll die if I want to, ♫
♪ Die if I want to ♫
♪ Die if I want to ♫
♪ You would die too if it happened to you. ♫
~Leslie (Blood and) Gore
I think of my nine sibs, seven made it to my father’s funeral. Some were in jeans etc. I know they have nicer clothes. I was surprised they didn’t wear nice slacks or similar. I concluded that there is no standard any more.
♪ And now it’s Judy’s turn to die… ♫
I have not been to a funeral in quite a while but I have seen people before and after them and it seems that the viewing at the funeral home are becoming more casual.
I guess my stand point is more from the person that died.
If the person has always worn casual clothes like jeans and t-shirts then I don’t see any reason why a nice pair of slacks and a polo shirt would not be appropriate. That is more dressed up than the dead person ever was.
Now if they were always a well dressed person that was never seen in jeans outside their own back yard then I would think that more of a dressed up fashion would be deemed respectful.
I agree with the lot that wants people to be comfortable. I don’t care what people are going to wear at my funeral and I really like that open bar idea. 
I think the customary funereal dress code is outdated. Why wear dark? Why is that respectful? Would the person who died really care what you’re wearing? Can’t you celebrate their life instead of acting “respectfully” and miserably?
At my funeral, people can do whatever they want. Have a party, I don’t care. I’ll be dead, it makes no difference to me, and I’d rather people were smiling at least some of the time.
Perhaps the deceased had “loser” friends. Who are you to judge?
The deceased party in the OP was 27. I am 29. I am a bartender and I have lots of friends in the restaurant/bar industry who do not need a suit or sportscoat to get a job and make a living. If I were to get married tomorrow, I would be happy to see them in whatever clothes they show up in.
I am not saying that the young woman in the OP shares my job or life experiences, but I do know that if I were dead–and had the opportunity to see who shows up at my funeral–I would be happy that they made the time to pay their respects to me. Regardless of what they were wearing. They are not losers. They are not white-trash. (A lot of them aren’t even white.)
They are my friends.
And I find it a tiny bit sad that people who are at a funeral are taking the time to judge what other fellow-mourners are wearing. “I respect the deceased more than you do! I own a suit!”
Don’t rent a suit for my funeral. I’m glad you showed up. I hope you miss me.
That’s all I ask.
Societal dress codes are changing in the Melting Pot, with the slowest change and greastest affront being in the white middle class. Jeans in church? Polo shirts at funerals? What is the world coming to!
Some of my friends would be insulted if I showed up at their funeral dressed in dark and speaking in whispers. If you wish to dress conformably it’s best to know the prevailing culture.
I’m with the group who think better you’re there than not.
It seems to me that the question here is not what you (the prospective deceased Doper) would want people to wear at his/her funeral, but what is expected and customary in society at large, at this time.
I am finding that here in the South, viewings or visitations participants are somewhat more casually dressed than in years past. People tend to come to visitations after work, on their lunch hour or as part of the day’s errands. Those who go to the actual funeral tend to be more formally dressed, especially older people. When my father-in-law died, people who came to the funeral and graveside service were dressed in outfits ranging from suits to Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirts. I was glad they came, no matter how they were dressed, but I did notice.
It was an interesting mix of mourners, from the police commissioner to my brothers-in-law’s doper* friends. I did not actually **care ** that they wore the t-shirts, but I did assume it was either the best they had or they didn’t know any better.
- as distinct from Dopers
As it happens, the 30th is the anniversary of my fathers death.
It’s been many years since his funeral, but I remember all the people who attended the funeral. I do NOT remember what clothes they wore.
In fact, last summer a relative referred to someone as “probably wearing the same tacky outfit she wore to your dads funeral”. I had to ask what she was talking about, because I truly couldn’t remember that. From the description, I guess it was a rather tasteless outfit. But it sure didn’t register in my memory. What did register is that the family was very poor, and she took unpaid time off work to be there. I think that was showing respect.
So I guess that from my experience at my fathers funeral, I appreciated people being there, even if they were casually dressed.
The only funeral I’ve really gone to as an adult was for a friend that’d killed himself. It was very sudden. I think I wore black jeans, a black blouse shirt, nice shoes. This was very likely a product of grabbing whatever I could find that was black, 'cause I don’t think I was exactly high-functioning at that point.
I really don’t see what the big deal is about dressing up for events like this. I’ll do it (at that time in my life, the outfit I described WAS dressy for me. I didn’t have any funeral outfits. I was 21, didn’t think I’d need one. . .) but I don’t get it. As long as you show up with all your bits covered, I figure it’s fine.
I can’t even begin to imagine dressing in anything but a suit, to a funeral.
I’m willing to bet that the mourners dressed in bright coloured polo shirts, mentioned in the OP, didn’t turn up in stained, unwashed or damaged clothes. Clearly they’ve accepted that there’s at least some form of social expectation of what they should wear to a funeral, so barring any other circumstances (i.e. a specfic request from the deceased), it’s hard not to view them as being a) entirely disrespectful or b) socially retarded.
I always take something funeral-appropriate when we see my grandmother (she’s 91.) You never know, and nothing sucks more than having to go funeral shopping in a strange place. (You know you wouldn’t be able to find a damned thing.) The last time we saw my grandfather, my mom was meeting us up there, so it was just me and Dad flying up, and he said, “Do you think I ought to take a dark suit?” I told him if he had to ask, the answer was probably yes. As it happened, Grandpa was getting a little sick when we left and he died of pneumonia a couple weeks later. Take the suit.
Viewings, in my experience, have indeed become a little less formal, mostly in the “coming from work” sense. A few of the nurses and aides from Grandpa’s assisted living place came to the viewing in (clean) scrubs, which was IMHO fine. I’m accustomed to seeing, say, Best Buy polo shirts and chef’s pants and stuff at viewings. The actual service is different and should be attended in solemn garb. (If you are not the widow, all black with a hat and veil is bordering on parody and people may think you were the mistress.) I don’t think there’s anything wrong with black on non-family members in general, however.
And, seriously, if you’re a grownup, buy a tie. Funerals happen suddenly. (Hell, sometimes weddings do too!)
To me the mourner’s attitude is far more important than their clothes. I know not everyone is form the same social class or follows the same cultural ‘norms’. (at least if the deceased was a cool person who know a lot of different people) I will not judge the friends of the dead. This may be the only time I interact with them but clearly they had some interactions with a person I knew well enough to attend their funeral. Experiencing these people and their differences enriches me with the spirit of the departed and that’s why I’m there.
My job used to include editing obituaries for a newspaper. I have read thousands upon thousands of obituaries. I think that many times people can get a feel from reading the obituary what the arrangements are going to be like. I talked regularly to dozens of funeral directors who told me about bickering families.
I suggest that people like Zoe, above, who said I want people to wear festive clothes, lots of primary colors, and hats at my memorial service, to tell people in your life of your wishes now. Even if you’re not old and sick. I myself want lots of spring-type flowers, even if I die in January. Don’t load me up with those nasty lotus pods. I want tulips and irises and everybody knows it.
For people who haven’t been to a lot of funerals and don’t know what to wear, ask someone what is customary in your area. If you don’t know anybody, call the funeral home and ask. The funeral directors I know, and their staff, are nice and helpful people and they know the family of the deceased. If you tell them you have no suit or dark dress and tell them what you do have, they will tell you if it’ll pass or if you should borrow.
When my father died, I called my ex-boyfriend, whom he had always liked, and invited him to the funeral. He called about two hours before the service and said he wasn’t coming after all because he had “nothing to wear.”
Asshole.