funerals, car accidents, and family (long, whiney)

My grandmother’s funeral was today (as I mentioned in the Christmas Mini-Rants thread, she passed away on Christmas Eve).

As we were all getting into our cars to leave for the church, my cousin (who we’ll call Joe, because that’s his name) backed his car into mine, which was still parked. Being that we were on our way to the funeral, we hopped out, assessed the damage quickly (the corner of his back bumper is smashed in, the front passenger’s side fender on mine is all dented and gouged and scraped and the paint is peeling off), then proceeded to go to the church.

When we arrived, Joe makes a big deal telling everyone about the damage to his car. Everyone asks him about it, they’re so sorry, how does it look, is the damage bad, is it going to cost a lot to fix, etc.

Nobody says a single word to me about my car.
That’s fine. It’s my grandmother’s funeral, after all.

But I’m still very upset about the incident, and mildly peeved that nobody bothered to ask me about my car. I know that’s childish, so at this point I’ll just admit to being a nutcase: I have bad mental/emotional issues to begin with - borderline personality disorder*, I’ve been very depressed for quite a while now, and obviously, I’m feeling very emotionally fragile on this particular day.

However, like I said, the day is about my grandmom, not my car. I push all car thoughts out of my head until after the funeral.

The funeral, by the way, was very nice. There was a pastor/priest/(?) there, but he only read one bible verse, as we all dislike long funerals where people who don’t even know the deceased rant about random stuff for an hour. Instead, my aunt said some words, told some stories, it was very nice. We were all given a flower to lay on the coffin. I took a pink rose home with me to dry out and save and remember her by.

After the funeral a few of us went out to eat, and on the way home from the diner, I remarked to my mom that it would have been nice if Joe had at least said sorry about the damage to my car. She yells at me about how my car already has body damage, it’s a piece of crap, and one more (HUGE, LONG, DEEP) dent/scrape shouldn’t matter.

She just saw her mom buried. Although her reaction hurt my feelings, I understood that she didn’t need to be bothered. I also understood that Joe had just seen (what amounts to) his mother buried as well, so the damage to my car (although not his, interestingly) is the last thing on his mind.
I accept these two things and keep my mouth shut about it for the rest of the day.

But the second I got into my car and started driving back to my house, and was thus alone, I began to bawl. Over my grandmother’s passing, obviously; over my car; and over my family – on this side of the family, Joe has always been treated as #1, always got his way and everything he wanted. He cares about nobody but himself. He treats everyone (including his mother, as well as our grandfather and now-gone grandmother, who both raised him most of his life) like complete and utter shit, like servents. My grandmother was massively in debt with credit cards, mostly from constantly buying Joe things he wanted. Joe was/is, to put it lightly, extremely spoiled. The people who love(d) him let him walk all over them. He was happy to do it and they were happy to let him.

I, however, was always the “outsider” in the family. My aunt and cousin Joe (we all lived together for several years) used to TORMENT me as a child. Because of this, I was a very sad, miserable and lonely child. There’s a lot more to the story what I won’t go into in order to keep this from being even more long and rambly (unless anyone is interested, of course. But, suffice to say, I still have issues to this day due to how I was treated as a child, with at least part of that being how I was treated in the household compared to how Joe was treated.

(I’d like to take this time to thank God or the stars or whoever for giving me such a great dad who I could “run away to” and escape the abuse on weekends, and made it possible for me to always feel special, wonderful, incredibly precious to someone, and truly loved, despite the way my mother’s side of the family treated me and made me feel.)
But back to the story. So poor Joe dented his nice brand-new lexus (paid for with money earned from his job as a “pharmacist”, btw) SMASHING INTO MY CAR.

I love firebirds. This is my third one, a 1992. I worked my ass off (doing jobs that are legal, btw) to buy that car and I love it with every inch of my heart. I am PROUD of that car. Yes, it already has body damage, but that body damage was there when I bought the car. That was body damage I accepted. To me, having a car with a small amount of body damage was worth taking a few hundred bucks off the sale price.

*This *damage I didn’t accept. I didn’t ask for. And moreover, it was 100% not my fault.

But that’s too bad.

Because I know there’s no way in hell Joe is ever going to offer to pay to have it fixed. Never gonna happen. Such a thought would never even cross his mind.

And I’m not even going to bother to ask, because he’s The Prince and the world clearly revolves around him, and how dare I even suggest he be held responsible? My car got in HIS way, afterall. And besides, it’s just a piece of crap firebird, why should I even care?

There’s also no way in hell I’ll be afford to have it fixed. I know I’m making a huge deal out of it, and the whole thing pisses me off, but I also realize that it’s only cosmetic damage, and I’m not in a position to spend money on things that aren’t 100% necessary.

So I have no option but to just deal with my car looking a little more shitty from now on.
I am so… I don’t even know. Depressed. Angry. Frustrated. Sad. Disappointed. Basically, I’m one big ball of painful emotion right now. If one more even minor bad thing happens to me in the next few days, I’m going to off myself**.
I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this thread.

I guess I mostly needed to vent; just get it all out.

I also wish people would understand that even though I don’t drive a nice, brand-new, expensive car***, it doesn’t mean I don’t care if someone smashes it up. It’s my car, it’s my baby, it’s my prized possession, it’s the only thing I own that is actually worth anything, and dammit, I love the car.

Sympathy and/or empathy would be appreciated.

However, if you wanna tell me I’m a whiny brat, that it’s only a car, that I should just suck it up and move on, or tell me I’m a horrible person for worrying so much about my car on the day of my grandmother’s funeral, feel free to do that as well (these are all things that have crossed my mind).

Blah. I don’t know.

Maybe (probably) I’m just way too emotional right now, but this is definitely the last thing I needed and the worst possible day for it to happen.

  • if you’re unfamiliar with it, here are two quotes on the disease that are relevant to this topic, as I’ve been living with both of these things in full-force lately:

Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus refer to BPD as “emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death.”

One researcher (Marsha Linehan) said, “People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”
** hyperbole. although I am NOT beyond crying in bed for several days straight.

*** although, even if I WERE in a financial position that would allow me to buy a nice, shiny, expensive, brand-new car, I would instead take the money and use it to buy a nice, shiny, expensive, and FAST fully restored and flawless '79 trans am. However, if I owned one of those and you damaged it in some way and didn’t immediately restore it to pristine condition, forget “sad/angry internet message board post” and think more along the lines of “brutal, gruesome murder.”

I’m sorry this happened to you. And guess what? I don’t think your complaint is the least bit petty.

But I wouldn’t let your cousin get one on you. What do you have to lose by calling him up and (politely) asking for some restitution? Just think about it this way: he’s always going to be a spoiled brat unless someone calls him on it.

Gah, just noticed I forgot to add the closing parenthesis at the end of that one sentence but missed the edit time window. I HATE unclosed parentheses. Is there a more elaborate word for that? Floating parentheses, maybe? If not, someone should invent one.

Anyway, I definitely feel waaay better about everything after typing that all out. Especially after editing and rewriting and rereading it for a million hours to make sure everything was worded perfectly (or at least exactly how I wanted it).

And while we’re on the topic of parentheses, I sure do seem to be fond of them… anyone think I use them too much? I don’t want to be the source of anyone’s pet peeve, or anything.

I agree with monstro. Get an estimate on fixing the damage, call cousin Joe and say, “I have an estimate on the damage to my car. It’s going to cost blah blah blah. Should I just go ahead and submit that to your insurance company or would you rather write me a check?”

If you think he needs the extra reinforcement, you can open with, “Remember when you backed into me in the parking lot last week?”

Anyhoo, you have my sympathy/empathy. It sucks when you’re caught in a maelstrom of Many Bad Things All Happening at the Same Time, because it does just what you’ve described – turn you into one big ball of raw emotion.

Hang in there.

monstro, thank you for your sympathy and reassurance.

The thing keeping me from calling up my cousin (aside from the previously detailed presumption that I’ll receive a “no way, jose,”) is because for assorted reasons (also as detailed prviously, but along with many, many, many more) I completely abhor and despise him. If I was given the opportunity to personally kill someone, or otherwise take one human life and suffer zero legal repercussion, it would be him.

Of course, I could accomplish something going through his mother/my aunt. In case anyone’s wondering, this is in fact the above mentioned aunt who tormented and belittled me and otherwise made me feel worthless every day when I was young. But she’s (mostly) changed, and I could even call her a “friend” these days. </digression> I could call her up and say something like, “um, do you think, I was wondering, um, is there any way to get Joe to pay for the damage he did to my car?”

And she’d talk to him about it for me. Whether she’d be on the “you need to pay her side” or the “you don’t owe her shit” side, I’m unsure of, but going through her is an option.

HOWEVER, if I do see the money to pay for the repairs, chances that said money would be coming out of his pocket are slim, while chances that said money would actually be coming out of his mom’s/my aunt’s pocket are good.
That would be bad. Besides it obviously being completely unfair to everyone, my aunt is deep in debt. While she’s not as completely and utterly broke as I am, I can’t see paying for my car repairs to be a smart financial decision for her. Plus I don’t just want any old money to get the damn thing fixed (my mom, who IS as completely and utterly broke as I am, offered to pay for it, and I declined), I want HIM to pay for it. HIM. I’m sick of people babying him and bailing him out of everything.

So basically, it’s kind of a sucky situation all around.

I think I’ll wait a while for things concerning my grandmom’s death to um… cool down? settle? can’t think of the right word, but wait until people are able and willing to focus on other matters which may or may not be trivial. At that point, I’ll ask my mom what she thinks I should do about it. She lives with both cousin and aunt, and knows them both a hell of a lot better than I do, so hopefully she’ll be able to help me figure out whether to persure it or not.

freckafree, thank you as well for your sympathy, empathy and understanding.

Another thing that make this a sucky situation – my car is currently uninsured. Just to get it out of the way – yes, I’m still driving it, and yes, I know it’s illegal and very bad, I’m very stupid and a very bad girl. With that said…
I don’t think I can deal with his insurance company as an individual without my own insurance company representing me. Is that the case? I’m sure it’s easier to pay me out of pocket, but just so I know…

If I persue this, I’ll definitely get some estimates – say three, and present him with the middle estimate? Or is the standard thing to do with the lowest one?

Also, do I HAVE to have the work done at the place I get the estimate from? I’d prefer to have my boyfriend do it, and give him the excess money, as he could easily do the repairs and he could definitely use the cash. Is this allowed?

Bwahahaha! There are several people on this board (I’m one of them) who are positively famous (or infamous) for being abusers of parentheses! Don’t worry about it!

I’m sorry about both your grandmother and your car. And thank you for those quotes. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything that explained BPD in those terms before. That’s something I can understand way better than the DSM-IV guidelines.

Br’er Lapin, you have to cut yourself a break. Even if you didn’t suffer BPD, there is nothing about this post that is unreasonable or mentally unhealthy. Your freakin’ grandmother just died, and not only are you having to deal with that grief, but all of your shitty family members as well. I don’t suppose that would be an easy time for anyone. And god knows we can get pissy when automobile damage happens on the brightest and sunniest of days – those are two super duper stressful events. Add your past trauma to all of it and you’ve got a nervous breakdown cocktail.

But the thing is, you don’t appear in any way to be having a nervous breakdown. You seem rational and reasonable about your hurts, your frustrations and the appropriateness of dealing with the issue during your grandmother’s funeral. So you are being strong in all this and that is something to be praised, especially given how difficult it can be for BPD sufferers to regulate emotion.

I have no idea what your legal rights are pertaining to the automobile damage, but given how much you despise your cousin and how high your emotions are running, I think it would be best to give yourself from space – from your cousin, from this issue. Take care of yourself for a while, whatever length of time you feel is prudent – and either take it up with him when you’re feeling stronger, OR, possibly, acknowledge that the monetary damage isn’t worth the emotional damage that could come from dealing with your toxic cousin.

I don’t know. But go soak in a bathtub or sip some tea or whatever it is you need to do to find your center again. And definitely do not rule out therapy. Sometimes the objective 3rd party is just what we need.

Best wishes,

Christy

I just wanted to say I don’t think you’re over reacting or being petty. I cannot imagine the gall of someone who would back into your car and not arrange to take care of it as soon as possible.

olivesmarch4th, I’m so very sorry. I know you’re hurting…but there’s very little I can do or say that will make this right. If it helps, I’m sending good wishes your way.
And no matter what you do, don’t you Dare squirt a shaken can of Pepsi all over his precious widdle Lexus. No, really, don’t you do it…!

Br’er, have you ever looked into cognitive behavioral therapy? I see so much of my own mental outlook in the way you describe your situation and know how much it helps when I recognize I am viewing my situation through the filter of some cognitive distortion. (Maybe CBT for people with BPD – I need more acronyms, ASAP! – is not recommended. I don’t know about that.)

I can’t advise you at all about the insurance thing, alas, other than to say you are not “stupid” or “very bad” for driving without insurance. Humans do things that are expedient. Yes, it’s illegal, and you know that, and you’ve taken a calculated risk that may just have bitten you in the butt. But that doesn’t make you stupid or bad.

I think olivesmarch4th has given you excellent advice. (I’m a great one for advising, “Stand up to that son-of-a-bitch!” when I can’t manage to get my own shit together – not to mention the fact that I abuse parentheses AND dashes!)

freckafree, there’s actually a sort of CBT specifically designed for BPD sufferers… it’s called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT, if you must have an acronym!) and there have been some really positive results with it. It can’t hurt to at least give it a shot, Lapin, if you haven’t already!

[QUOTE=DBT wiki
]
Emotion regulation

Individuals with borderline personality disorder and suicidal individuals are frequently emotionally intense and labile. They can be angry, intensely frustrated, depressed, or anxious. This suggests that these clients might benefit from help in learning to regulate their emotions. Dialectical behavioral therapy skills for emotion regulation include:

* Identifying and labeling emotions
* Identifying obstacles to changing emotions
* Reducing vulnerability to emotion mind
* Increasing positive emotional events
* Increasing mindfulness to current emotions
* Taking opposite action
* Applying distress tolerance techniques

[/QUOTE]