Funniest column ever

“Should you not throw rice at weddings because birds swallow it and explode?”

Okay, I’m nominating this for the funniest Straight Dope column ever.

I especially liked the “animal sacrifice” line.

“The dawn of a new era is felt and not measured.” Walter Lord

I’ll have to nominate why do men feel sleepy after sex:

This is the one that got me addicted to this place …

I’m voting with SuperNerd on this one. That column is hilarious.

Any similarities between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

Well, this is my favorite of all time, and durned funny.

The story of Schroedinger’s cat (an epic poem)

“If you prick me, do I not…leak?” --Lt. Commander Data

I like all of Cecil’s columns, but I have to admit especially enjoying this one:
For this passage in particular:

[Note: This message has been edited by JillGat]

Gee Jill, not above gratuitous self-promotion, huh?


Here’s another vote for Schroedinger’s Cat.

Cecil – could you write more answers in verse?

[[Gee Jill, not above gratuitous self-promotion, huh?]]

It was the gratuitous slam of my ex-coworker that I most enjoyed in that column. If you knew Mark, you’d laugh every time you read it, too.

Anyone notice that, despite the high-quality doggerel, Cecil never answered the question of how Schrödinger’s Cat can be simultaneously dead and alive?

All that dance about probability is cute, but the quarter in my pocket has a 50-50 chance of landing on either side. But no one’s claiming that the quarter is simultaneously heads and tails until someone sees which way it fell.

“Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.” - Marx

The “Does a duck’s quack echo?” column, made me laugh so hard I woke up the other people in the house, who proceeded to laugh so hard they forgave me for waking them up. Hee hee. I like the part about the experiment changing to how to make three people quack like a duck. Anyway, this column has my vote.


The funniest column I have read on this site was not written by Unca Cec…not to take anything away from him. It was written by Mrs. Euty…about the number of cities in the US…very funny!

Sex is like bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
– Charles Pierce

You know, a quarter can land on its side, tho it’s rare. So it’s really not a 50/50 chance of landing heads or tails. Anyway, the whole point of Schroedinger’s cat is that the assumption covers both the cat being dead and the cat being alive. It isn’t really both dead and alive; it’s assumed to be. See? Clear as latte.

PS - I laughed my ass off reading that column almost 10 years ago, and I still do when I reread it. It gets my vote

Smile when you say that…

OH MY GOD, LMFAO I LIVE THAT. That part about the animal sacrifice LOL. GOD I love this page.

I have already bowed to cecil’s greatness and again i must commend him on a job well done. The Cat one is cool.

(but i still liek the bird sacrifices. LOL)

Remember Franklin Osis,
Father of his Clan.
Three Strengths he gave us:
The jaguar’s spring that brings an enemy down,
The jaguar’s claw’s that rend the enemy’s heart,
The jaguar’s taste for the enemy’s hot blood.

-“The Remembrance” (Clan Smoke Jaguar), Passage 104, Verse 18, Lines 5-10

Well, actually Schroedinger’s point was that the laws governing the behavior of sub-atomic particles (quantum mechanics) become absurd if applied to the macro world. The cat can only be either alive of dead, it’s the atom that’s uncertain. He was saying, like, if these are the things the macro world is made up of, isn’t it weird they operate with two sets of rules.

Still a good poem, tho.

My personal favourite would have to be the ‘Why can’t a human impregnate a cat?’ question.

I must have laughed at Cecil’s answer for an hour.

Not remembering that one, I had to search the archives. Cecil has, once again, mastered the subtle scientific reasoning behind this biological mystery in his column.

I’m reviving this to ask if people had more recommendations. The birds exploding column is hilarious. My contribution is this one, although it’s probably not as funny as some of the columns in this thread.

MODERATOR NOTE: Be aware that bldysabba’s post revives a thread from 12 years ago. That’s OK in this forum, but I just want people to be aware that many of the prior posters probably aren’t around any more.