Spongebob:“you mean we can’t say anything bad about dumb old Texas?”
Sandy:“No, you can’t!”
Patrick:“Can we say people from texas are dumb?”
The Benny Hill Show
Jackie Wright: I wish I’d never been born!
Benny: Well, you couldn’t stay where you were, could you?
Get Smart
(Max and 99 are being pursued by a hunter, a la Most Dangerous Game. They pull up short at a very wide, very deep gorge.)
99: How deep do you think it is?
Max: About a mile.
99: If we went back a good distance and got a good running jump, how far do you think we could get?
Max: About a mile.
From the GI Joe cartoon in the 80s:
Zartan (as a reporter trying to discredit GI Joe): “Couldn’t this computer be better used to solve world hunger?”
Shipwreck: “Whaddya going to do?! Feed the world a short stack of floppy disks?”
Was it funnier than “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition”? (I’ll have to change location before I can get Youtube.)
Blackadder wins for me. So many lines I use or reference all the time.
‘To you, Baldrick, the Rennaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn’t it?’
I often, in private, reference certain students of mine as being the kind of kid for whom, “school is just something that happens to other people.”
I also like:
"I, on the other hand, have a degree from the University of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and three gold stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit Kicked Out of Me."
From Newhart-
George found a woman’s wallet, and decided based on her driver’s license to ask her out. It turned out her butt was a couple of ax handles wide.
George: “She has a nice smile, pretty eyes, ect.”
Bob: “and she has the biggest rear end I’ve ever seen.”
George: “Doesn’t she, though?” He goes on to talk about how much noise she made getting in and out of a booth with naugahide seats.
Night Court-
Dan went out onto a ledge to give Roz a shot when she was in insulin shock. Afterward, she insisted she was going to thank him and he was going to listen. He listens politely, hesitates, and says “I saw your butt.” End of show.
Finally saw it. They’re pretty close in my estimation. I didn’t find a clip of PtL, but the question was:
What should you do if you swallow a hand grenade?
Here’s one from The Sopranos:
Tony: "Gary Cooper. Now there was an American. The strong, silent type. He did what he had to do. He faced down the Miller gang when none of those other assholes in town would lift a finger to help him. And did he complain? Did he say, ‘Oh, I come from this poor Texas-Irish illiterate background or whatever the fuck, so leave me the fuck out of it because my people got fucked over!’
Silvio: “T, not for nothing but you’re getting a little confused here. That was the movies.”
Tony: “What the fuck difference does that make? Columbus was so long ago, he might as well have been a fucking movie. Images, you said.”
Silvio: “The point is, Gary Cooper - the real Gary Cooper, or anybody named Cooper - never suffered like the Italians. A madigan like him, they fucked everybody else. The Italians, the Polacks, the Blacks.”
Tony: “All right, even if he was a madigan around nowadays he’d be a member of some victims’ group. The fundamentalist Christians, the abused cowboys, the gays, whatever the fuck.”
Christopher: “He was gay, Gary Cooper?”
Tony: “No!!!”
My favorite from Carson was his bit on Famous Quotations that they got wrong. Lord Admiral Nelson’s last words were not “Kiss me, Hardy”, but actually “Do you like show tunes, Hardy?”. That remained Ed’s giggling leitmotiv for the rest of the show.
It wasn’t what was said, it was that it was screamed.
Obligatory clip: Germans Who Say Nice Things
From book of school boners:
Q. Who said “Kiss me, Hardy!”?
A. Laurel.
The Bob Newhart Show
(Bob, Howard, Carol, and Jerry have been playing a made-up card game called “Sneehole.” Jerry had to leave and Bob starts to put the cards and things away.)
Emily: Can’t you play without Jerry?
Bob: Three-man Sneehole is illegal in Illinois.
from * Only fools and horses*
Having just lost a high stakes poker game to Del-Boy (four Kings vs 4 Aces) Boycey asks him, in an obviously annoyed manner,
Boyce Where did you get those aces from Del-Boy?
Del-boySame place as you got them 4 kings from - I knew you was cheating
BoyceOh yeah, hows that then?
Del-boy’Cause that wasn’t the hand I dealt you
Herman’s Head:
Maddie: Herman, do you think my skirt is too tight?
Herman: Not if you’ve been shot in the ass and you’re trying to stop the bleeding.
From Frasier:
Frasier: We have the Wine Club tonight. I’m sort of counting on Niles to help me become Corkmaster.
Roz: But you’ll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?
Niles: Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
Frasier: I told you, Niles: I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.
In one episode of Frasier Niles is thinking about becoming a father and is carrying a sack of flour around to see if he can care for it. This led to a number of interactions.
Niles: I’m roleplaying, dad.
Martin: Try playing the role of a sane person.
Frasier: Bleached, 100% fat free, best when kept in an air-tight container. It seems this one is taking after its mother.
Niles: Last night, I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted and the kidnapper started sending me muffins in the mail.
(Finally leading to Eddie tearing at the sack, trying to eat the flour)
Daphne: That dingo’s got your baby.
DUDLEY DO-RIGHT
DO-RIGHT: You lost the Mountie post in a POKER GAME?!? Inspector Fenwick, how could you DO such a thing?!?
FENWICK: Well, I had three Jacks and he had four Kings, and … ? … NEVER MIND, Do-Right!
Later:
FENWICK: **Blast **you, Do-Right! You always **do **right! Can’t you ever do anything **wrong **for a change?
Also:
NARRATOR: Chinook—a cold wind that blows out of the north. But the biggest sh-nook of them all was **Snidely **Whiplash!
THE SIMPSONS
Homer and Bart try to retrieve a nasty letter sent to Mr Burns.
HOMER: (Ultrapolitely) My name is Mr Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
POSTAL WORKER: Certainly, Mr Burns. What’s your first name?
[LONG PAUSE]
HOMER: I don’t know.