I still remember the scene where Hawkeye and the others watch the home movie of Frank Burns’s wedding and offer a hilarious running commentary, a la MST3K, of what they’re watching. “Get in the car, Frank… get in the car!” Good stuff.
My first thought was when they’re making the documentary for the home audience, then they fire the film maker and do it themselves. They get into that whole Marx Bros routine; call it the ‘Saints in surgical garb’ episode.
I love the scene where they are all watching a movie together in the mess hall and the projector breaks down so they start entertaining themselves by acting out scenes in the movie, singing the “They say in the army…” song, and–funniest of all–doing impressions of Father Mulcahy. “Jocularity! Jocularity!”
Hawkeye teaching the Koreans to speak English.
“Frank Burns eats worms.”
“You tell 'em, ferret-face!”
“Attention! Attention all personnel! Tonight’s double feature is Greed, and The Major was a Miner, starring Major Frank ‘There Goes My Transfer’ Burns.”
Since then I’ve waited for the opportunity to use ‘ill-booten gotty’ IRL. Alas. Still, if I could use the Undertaker joke IRL, there is hope.
When Winchester plays Hawkeye and BJ against Hot Lips in a practical joke war, but in the end gets set-up himself when they turn the tables on him by staging a serious fight that would have ended BJ’s marriage…
Also, when Potter has a friend who is a general come to 4077 and bust the balls of the gang, and when they finally retaliate, he fakes a heart attack---- “April Fools”…
The Tuttle obituary was pretty funny. “You might say we all made up Tuttle.”
Private Charles Lamb. “It’s a spam lamb!”
Mine was always “Springtime”–Alex Karras owes Hawkeye a life debt, Klinger gets married via radio (despite Frank’s objections), and Radar gets slaked by Mary Kay Place (w/a poetry assist). Gold across the board.
‘That’s highly significant.’
‘Ah, Bach!’
I can’t remember the exact lines but to paraphrase Col. Blake - “Now I’ve Got to go explain to a bunch of drunk Greeks that I gave a discharge to a sheep and sent him to Iowa to be Radar’s Baby brother!” The look on Trapper’s face just kills me every time.
Frank requires some minor medical procedure, but doesn’t relish the idea of Hawkeye or Trapper cutting him open. Hotlips is trying to comfort him, assuring him that they’re “not animals”. As they enter the Swamp, Frank whimpers as he sees Hawkeye and Trapper dressed in gorilla suits. After listening intently to Frank describe his symptoms, Hawkeye announces that he has to “consult with his colleague”, which involves a lot of grunting, jumping up and down, and chest beating. Frank looks miserable and defeated the whole time.
I don’t know when I’ve ever laughed so hard.
Another one that cracks me up just thinking about it… Margaret is extremely uptight about Hawkeye giving her a foot inspection, so she gives him a doll and insists that he demonstrate the procedure. He immediately peeks under the doll’s dress. Margaret is disgusted with his behavior, but Hawkeye’s only response is “Well… you know!”
Margaret is marrying Donald Penobscott, so the guys give him a bachelor party. After he passes out they put him in a body cast, later telling him that he broke his leg. The wedding takes place, and there are tearful good byes, then the couple boards a helicopter for their honeymoon. But nobody thought to tell them that his leg isn’t really broken, and he can remove the cast. Hawkeye is yelling up at the helicopter, but of course can’t be heard.
And one with a great punch line: Margaret thinks she may be pregnant, so she persuades Hawkeye to perform a “rabbit test.” The only available female rabbit belongs to Radar, who objects to the fact that the rabbit has to die for the test. Margaret persuades Hawkeye to do the test by removing the rabbit’s ovaries, rather than killing it. At the end, Radar thanks Margaret for saving the rabbit’s life, adding “She would have done the same for you.”
I don’t remember the character names now.
The major calls up some unit and asks for the chief of that unit.
The guy attending the phone says " Sir, I am afraid he is not here now ".
Major : Well you are a soldier, you shouldn’t be afraid !
Or something similar !
“This must be our Kim Lucky day…”
I’ve just watched the ones when BJ and Colonel Potter first arrive. When Klinger goes into Potter’s office and gives him the running commentary of how crazy he is, and Potter looks at him and spits out “Horse Hockey.”
The way he says it still makes me laugh.
A really funny & poignant one was when Sidney Freeman came to the MAS*H depressed over a patient’s suicide. There is a secret practical jokester on the loose, who lets Freeman join in the last prank.
Best lines:
Sidney: When you lost one, you’ve just lost a body. When I lost one, I’ve lost a mind.
Father McCauhey: When I’ve lost on, I’ve lost a souil.
“Boy, am I in Dutch with the Greeks!”
My favorite is very early in the run. Episode 4, to be exact. Hawkeye has been appointed Chief Surgeon and Burns/Hot Lips go ballistic. Sorrell Booke plays the general that comes to see what all the fuss is about and gets off the best lines and the best reaction shots.
Blake: “But General, what do we do about Major Burns?”
General Barker: “Give him a strong laxative and send him on a 10 mile hike.”
Trapper: “With full pack.”
Barker: “I like the way you think.”
It was also the first appearance of Cpl. Klinger.
The little snippet of a practical joke where Radar and Potter are sitting in a jeep, with Potter looking through a set of binoculars. When he takes them down, there are big black rings around each eye. Radar starts to laugh, and Potter is perfectly dead-pan, which then makes Radar (and me, usually) completely crack up.