Funniest Monty Burns quotes

“Is it about my cube?”

Release the Robotic Richard Simmons!

"Your job and the future of your family hinges on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing - you must find the jade monkey…before the next full moon…

Actually sir, we found the jade monkey, it was in your glove compartment.

And the road maps? And ice scraper?

They were in there too.

Excellent! It’s all falling into place…"

“'It was the best of times, it was the Blurst of times?!! You stupid monkey!!!”


(Through intercom) “Welcome, come in. [sub]Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing Army of the undead.”[/sub]

“Uh, sir, you have to let go of the button.”

“Oh, son of a----”

Lisa: “Does your plant have a recycling program?”

Burns: “Reeeee-cyyyyyyy-cling?? [Brain scans dicrionary…] He heh - I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that term.”

Lisa (something about Mother Nature, can’t remember)

Burns: “Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she’s losing? Well, I say ‘Hard cheese!’”

Lisa: “But nature’s not our enemy.”

Burns: “Well, surely you agree we can do without her.”

Lisa: “No, I don’t agree.”

Burns: “Heh heh…shutup little girl.”

“Look at them all, through the darkness I’m bringing - they’re not sad at all - they’re actually singing!..they sing without juicers…they sing without blenders…
they sing without flundgers, cap-dabbulers and smandlers!”

Burns: Who’s that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: That’s the Prince of Darkness, sir. He’s your eleven o’clock.
Burns: Ex-cellent.

“I really like the vest.”

“So I gathered, sir.”

“Dough-nuts? I told you - I don’t like foreign food!”

“Excuse me, do you know where I can find the Burns-O’s?”

These are Excellent! My favorite tho is MB’s as a straightman (so to speak)

Burns: So another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing this weekend, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt.

Smithers: Wha - what?

Burns: You know, lighthearted, fancy-free, mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town.

Smithers: Exactly, sir.

If that is cheating then these are Burns being funny

Burns: Quick Smithers. Bring the mind eraser device!

Smithers:You mean the revolver, sir?

Burns: Precisely.


Burns: I’ll keep it short and sweet – Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Mr. Smithers: I have to tell you something…I…I love you.
Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, thank you for making the last moments that I’m on Earth akward.

“Don’t forget to wipe your own memory, Smithers!”

“I remember when Al Joltsen ran amok and climbed the Chysler Building. After that, he couldn’t get arrested in this town.”

Ethnic food

Addressing the workers at the power plant

“Gentlemen! It is imperative that we crush the rebels before the start of the rainy season! And a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.”

Smithers hastily whispers something in Burns’ ear.

“Oh! And by that I mean it’s time to choose the employee of the month!”

It was that or skin my chauffeurs.


Smithers: I don’t think women and seamen mix, sir.
Burns: Well, we know what you think.

Burns gets a left handed can-opener and mocks the can of cat-food that had so frustrated him

“Ah, the worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend?
Look at you, you were once so proud. Feel the wrath of
the left hand of Burns!”

[After extended sequence of Burns laughing for days…]
What was I laughing at again? Oh yes, that crippled Irishman! [Begins laughing again.]

He reminds me of that man. You know, the one who stands. Rory Calhoun.

Burns: Yes, I’d like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?

Post Office Kid: Uh, I better look in the manual.

BURNS: We’ll dig up Al Jolson!

SMITHERS: Errmm . . . we already did that, sir.

BURNS: Oh, yes. He was dead, wasn’t he? And rather ripe. The rest of that evening I’d just as soon forget.

I suspect you need more practice operating your telephone machine.

Not at all. Ahoy!