Funniest Monty Burns quotes

“So, the caterpiller has emerged from the cocoon. As a shark. With a gun for a mouth.”


“Like my loafers? Former gophers!”

Smither: People see you as somewhat of an ogre.

Burns: Why I ought to club them and eat their bones!

“Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I’m so scared! Oooh, the Germans!”

When Smithers was helping him get something to eat out of a can that wouldn’t open:
Smithers “Would you like me to order some Chinese, sir?”
Burns “No, those people are all Gristle.”

“Ketchup. Catsup. Ketchup. Catsup…”

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?

There’s no ‘maybe’ about it, sir.

Mr. Burns
(wiping a tear from his eye)

“Have the Rolling Stones killed.”

[Click] "I said, get in.

This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.

If it’s a crime to love one’s country, then I’m guilty! And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars, then I’m guilty of that too! And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, then I’ll soon be guilty of that too!


“Begin the thawing of Jim Nabors”*

“I like to put my feet up”*

“I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Back then, of course, if the fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!”

*In case you haven’t heard these, context is important.

Homer’s impression: Exactly… heh heh heh heh… D’oh!

After someone comments the greatness of the just concluded boxing match:
"Oh, hogwash! Why, I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett fight some Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and fifteen rounds! Of course, back then if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back.*


*may or not be exact quote


Allright, how about:

“Oh, hey there, uh . . . Mr. Brown-Shoes! How about that . . . local sports team!”

“But sir, those aren’t the…”

“We expressd our love physically, which was the fashion of the day.”

“Smithers, I’m enjoying this, so-called, ‘iced cream’”.

After King Homer (Kong) starts smashing the city; “I’m dreading the reviews, I’ll say that much.”

“Hold on there, maestro. There’s a New Mexico?”

"Simpson, put my hand on her knee.

“I said ‘her.’ And I said ‘knee.’”

That’s sort of becoming a running joke. In a recent episode he says, “We might get stung by a bumbled bee.”

And I don’t know if it’s an exact quote but it sounds like something he’d say and I like to use around the office: “I’m tired of your nincompoopery!”