Funniest Monty Burns quotes

Cafe Society
41

Burns: I’ve always felt that there’s far too much hysteria these days about so-called cheating. If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it’s your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift or the jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say cheating is the gift man gives himself!

Homer: Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat.

Burns: Excellent.

Burns: Ah, my beloved plant, how I’ve missed her. Bah, to hell with this! Get my razors! Draw a bath! And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet!

Smithers: Certainly, sir. And the jars of urine?

Burns: Oh, we’ll hang on to those.

“You idiot! Homer Simpson doesn’t say 'B’oh!”, he says…" [flips through very thick script] “D’oh! Get it right!”

42

Burns (upon wanting to be loved like a Richard Branson tycoon) to Homer:

Burns: You, feedbag. I want you to love me.

Homer: I’m going to need some beer.

To Rodney Dangerfield:
Burns (to his son): Well, at least I know there is a kidney out there for me.

43

A Broadway play about a doll? How proposterous. Next thing you know, you’ll tell me there’s a play about the common housecat, or the king of Siam.

And it’s “Like my loafers…”

He reminds me of that man. You know, the one who’s always walking and talking.

44

“Does anyone have change for a button?”

45

(Burns and the assasin are dressed as Marge and Homer)

Assasin: D’oh!..Not again!

Burns: I’ve had it up to here with your constant numb-skullery!

Smithers (as bart): If anyone wants me I’ll be in the car, dudes.

46

“This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.”

Burns: “Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?”
Smithers: “If you did it, sir?”

47

-Smithers! Get in the Spruce Moose.
-Um, sir…

  • (Cocks gun.) Get. In.
48

When filling out a medical history form: “Reason for parents’ death?” [menacingly] They got in my way…

At the salad bar: These vegetables are protected by some kind of force-field!

At the ball game: Smithers! Massage my brain!

In the graveyard: Bad corpse! [whack!] Bad corpse! [whack!] Stop [whack!] scaring [whack!] Smithers!

49

Burns: Smithers, I think I’ll write a check to the Springfield Orphanage…when pigs fly!
(both laugh)
(Homer’s roasted pig sails past the window)
(stop laughing)
Smithers: Er, will you be writing that check now, sir?
Burns: Mm…no, I’d rather not.

Burns: Very well. Give the men their “tar-tar sauce.”

Ohh, Ziggy, will you ever win?

50

Oh, Tuttle’s Sunday trousers. Fear not, I’ll get you to a hospital – the only way I know how. Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that flange, now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!

51

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun!

Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

52

“Ahh!! 60 watts? What do you think this is, a tanning salon?”

“Tell you what; if we come back and everyone’s slaughtered, I’ll owe you a coke.”

“You there! Fill this up with petroleum distillate. And revulcanize my tires, post haste!”

“The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders?” (Yes, I’m aware that this is actually said by Burns’ father in a flashback…)

53

[while Homer and Mindy are at an empoyee-of-the-month convention in Capital City]

SMITHERS: [noting flashing red telltale on screen] Sir, somebody is ordering room service on the company account!

BURNs: Oh, yes? Fly, my pretties! Fly!

[Burns opens cage of winged monkeys, who leap out the window and plummet to the ground]

BURNS: Continue the research.

54

Okay, not a Burns quote, but related and something I inject into far too many conversations …

I was saying “Boo-urns”.

55

Dammit, Smithers, this is brain surgery, not rocket science!

56

“I’m a lot like Oscar Schinder. We’re both powerful industrialists. We both made bombs for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit!”

57

Look at them all, through the darkness I’m bringing.
They’re not sad at all. They’re actually singing!
They sing without juicers.
They sing without blenders.
They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers!

58

To Marge, who has just seen him getting out of the shower:

“Thank you for not laughing at my genitalia.”

That line, too, gets alot of play around my house.

59

On a date

Mrs. Bouvier, giggling:“Oh, Monty, you’re the devil himself.”
Burns: “What the…Who told you?!..Oh, uh, yes.”.

60

That’s actually later in the episode, when the painting of The Full Monty by Marge Simpson is revealed:

Burns: Thank you for not making fun of the size of my genitalia.

Marge: I thought I did.