Funniest thing your kid(s) have done

The Ex wife and stepdaughter were over today, and we got started on this topic and had some good laughs. I know i’ve read quite a few threads started over a parent bemoaning something their kid has done, so I figured i’d start one where we could share our funniest stories of things your kids have said/done.

Mine goes something like this.

It’s Saturday morning, and me and my then wife were lounging in bed downstairs just kinda watching TV, waking up and just being all around lazy bums (it was a weekend!). My Stepdaughter who was 7 at the time was hungry, and wanted to have some of the hotwings that we had gotten from Pizza Hut the night before.

Now she always had been very good at getting/making things to eat by herself. She loved and still loves to help me cook, bake, do canning etc, and she just has a natural talent you might say in the kitchen. So without thinking, we both said, “Sure, you can have em, just make sure ya clean up afterwards so the dog doesn’t get at the bones.” She thanked us and ran upstairs to get her goodies and finish watching her morning cartoons on the upstairs TV.

About 5 minutes later, she’s standing at the door to our room, and she has this look of utter terror on her face, and she’s hem-hawing, trying to tell us something is wrong.

Her: “Mom, Dad…uhh”

Me: “Hhat honey?”

Her: “I … uh … uh …”

Mom: “What’s up munch? Is something wrong?”

Her: “Well, I uh… I uhh, put the wings in the microwave…”

I look over at my wife, and she’s looking at me. We’re at a total loss at trying to figure out what’s wrong. I’m thinking she left the wings out and the dog got at them or that she did something she’s not supposed to do, because she has that “GUILTY” look and action going on. You know, the umms, and the foot shuffling and looking down at the ground.

Anyhow, back to the conversation, already in progress…

Me: “Yeah…what’s wrong Chrys…”

Her: “well, I put them in the microwave, and I uh, accidentally put in the time…”

Me and Mom at the same time: “Yeah…and?”

Her: “And I uh…accidentally hit start…”

Me and Mom at the same time again: “Yeah?”

At this point she starts hitching her breath, starting to cry and says, “F-f-f-f-FIRE!”

Me and Mom are now BOLTING out of the bed and upstairs half naked and moving fast enough to make the Flash look like slow moving molassas in the middle of February, and Chrys is running behind us crying the whole way.

I make it into the dining room, which is adjoined to the kitchen, and I see TONS of BLACK smoke just POURING out of the microwave, and I see flashes of orange…sure enough, there’s a fire in the microwave. I go into Superman mode, and whip open the door of the microwave and pull out the flaming mess and toss it into the sink and turn on the water and put out the improtu bonfire that had been started in the microwave.

Me and Mom stand there for a bit catching our breath, and look around, making sure there’s nothing else on fire. Chrys is still standing in the entrance to the kitchen crying. I walk back over to the sink and look at the soggy smelly mass sitting inside of it, and I see exactly what happened. She had just taken the whole wing package and put it in the microwave. Sealed ranch dressing cup with aluminum foil top and aluminum foil paper and all. Well, all us adults know what happens when you put metal in the microwave, but poor chrys just didn’t realize all this. The metal sparked and caught the cardboard box on fire, and after that, it just went up in smoke for lack of a better term.

Well, at this I just started laughing, and Mom comes over and sees it, and now she’s starting to laugh. At this Chrys stops crying and petulantly says, “It’s NOT funny!”, which sets us off even more. Then Mom looks at her, and says, “So, you 'accidentally, pressed the time, and you ‘accidentally’ hit start?” and we just dissolved into gales of laughter. She looks at both of us again, and says, “It’s NOT funny! I was SCARED!” and then she starts laughing from us laughing.

Needless to say, she’s pretty careful about making sure NO metal goes into the microwave again. This happened 6 years ago, and I still have that microwave. It still works perfectly fine, and wasn’t even really scorched that bad at all. All the soot washed off, and there were no burn marks. But everytime you hit that start button, you can STILL smell the smell of burnt cardboard come out of it, and it causes me to chuckle every time.

And of course, we STILL tease her about it. Yes, i’m evil.

Well, lately, this one cracked me up:

One of our Christmas traditions is that the kids sleep in our bedroom on Christmas Eve. This prevents kiddos “sneaking a peek” at what Santa left before my wife and I wake up. It has always amazed me that my kids have NEVER tried to wake us early on Christmas morning. This year was no different, they awoke at about 9:00 AM. On the way to a family Christmas dinner I was asking my wife why she thought the kids always slept fairly late on Christmas morning. She replied “I don’t know, but I did hear middle-daughter whispering to eldest-son at about 7:35 this morning”. I turned and asked eldest-son “If your sister woke you at 7:35 why didn’t you go ahead and wake us up?” He got an incredulous look on his face and said “Because, Dad, it was 7:35!” Middle-daughter just gave me one of those “DUH!” looks.

I have never been a morning person and, apparently, have successfully passed on this gene to the doclettes. Ahhh, life is good!

I know it shouldn’t be funny, but here it goes…

I was at work one day when my SO called me and said, “Guess what your daughter did.”

Well that could have been anything, so after a few feeble attempts at guessing, I gave up.

“She killed her cat,” my SO stated.

When I asked how such a thing could have happened, my SO reported that our daughter, who was about 2 1/2 at the time had decided to sit on her kitten, which was about ten weeks old. Our son had brought the cat to my SO and asked if he would take it to the doctor, to which my SO had to tell them that the cat was dead.

After getting over the initial shock of having a cat killing child, my SO and I had a great laugh about the whole thing. We still laugh every time we talk about it.

Our daughter, who is now 4 1/2, seems to be very proud of the whole thing. Every time we talk about my SO’s cat or our son’s cat our daughter chimes in, smiling, “I killed my cat.”

Maybe its just me, but it seems this thread is getting a decidely weird tone, setting fires, killng small animals…hmmm
Anyway
My nephews cracked me up when they were suprised by a hailstorm.
We had a huge hail storm a few years back, during the summer.
The kids had been out playing in the alley and running around in the neighborhood playing.
This hail storm starts, the first they had ever seen, hail the size of golf balls.
My sister is in the kitchen, and the kids all come running in screaming and crying, soaking wet, covered in welts, screaming “It’s raining ROCKS!! MA!!! IT’S RAINING ROCKS !!!”
It still makes me laugh.

when my daughter was around two, she was playing with a toy telephone, “ring ring mom its for you”. so being a good mom, i talked to her on the phone. then she said, “ok now you call me”

so i am holding the toy reciever saying “ring ring. ring ring.” no response

so i said it again “ring ring” still nothing.

i said “aren’t you going to answer it?”

she replies “no, i am letting the machine get it”

My nephew, around age 13, to my sister, his mother, in the midst of a big argument:

My 2 and a half year old niece asked for Pizza… her grandma promptly said:

Grandma: "We don’t have any Pizza at home.
Niece: “Phone for a Pizza then” (!)…
Grandma: “We don’t have any money”
Niece: “Use the Card then!”

If she knows about credit cards at this age… I shudder to imagine when she hits her teens !

Ok, first i’ve heard you NEVER open teh door of a burning microwave. turn off power and let it somlder itself out. without the fan there is no air and it smothers…True?

Second, i’m only 24 so no kiddies for me. Funny gradeschool story about a friend of mine. She and a few friends were playing in a local park after a rain. Lots of puddles, etc. She’s swinging and a friend hits her with a mudball. All out mudfight ensues. Walking home they notice a strange smell.

Turns out the “mud” was actually the storm-sewer overflow from the recent rains, fecals and all.

PS why’ve all the smileys now gone to a pale white?

Probably not. I rather doubt that manufacturers spend extra to make microwaves completely airtight. Why?

Quick test: fix microwave popcorn or reheat something smelly in the microwave. While it’s still heating, can you smell it in the room? If so, your microwave isn’t airtight.

This too, is most likely just a “story”. In general, storm sewers are a completely separate system from the “sanitary” sewers. Except maybe in very old cities, which have not bothered to redo their system. Most have, because it’s very costly to send rainwater from the storm sewer system thru the expensive sewage treatment plant. Much better to keep the systems separate, and send the rainwater from the storm sewer system right into rivers & lakes.

My son, almost four now, refers to his penis as his “doober.” (Yes, there’s a story behind that, but I won’t go into it now!) One day several months ago, he walked into the bathroom just as DH was drying off after a shower (I was just outside the door). They chatted for a minute and then out of the blue, DS pauses then says, “You’ve got a BIG doober!” It took a long time for either one of us to recover our breath!

My elder daughter, now nine, told me some time ago that when she was riding her bike, she went over a pile of rocks and hurt her nutsack. Apparently, she’d heard the term from a friend, who in turn had heard it from her same-age uncle. It took a lot for me to explain the facts of the matter without dissolving into gales of laughter. She is also the one who, when she was about five or six, called her friend a dickhead, after having watched Liar, Liar a few times. Because everyone was laughing about it in the movie, she didn’t realize it was an insult!

I was referring only to when the microwave was off, there would be no fan running so minimal air circulation. Mainly you don’t want ot open the door and have a blowout with a ton of fresh oxygen rushing into the microwave sending a small fire into a kitchen gusher.

My friend in the mud happened about 20 years ago. They’ve just recently been seperating teh “storm” from the “sanitary” sewer systems. So AFAIK she was telling the truth.

When two of my sons were five and seven, I walked into their bedroom one afternoon and found the name of my younger son written on the wall in crayon. When I accused him of writing on the wall he told me his brother had done it. The only problem was he couldn’t tell me why his brother would write someone elses name. Plus he was just learning to write and of course the printing was typical of kindergarten. It cracked me up he tried to convince me his brother was going around writing someone elses name on the wall. Too bad they don’t stay this naive.

Suezeekay, when DangerDad was wee, he did exactly that, figuring that if he wrote his older brother’s name, it wouldn’t be him who got in trouble… :smiley:

When my eldest son was about 5 or 6 we were away on holidays and one day dropped into a winery to have lunch. His mother and I were tasting wine - a sip of this, a sip of that, when suddenly my boy started this hysterical act:

“No, mummy don’t start drinking again. You’ll end up drunk again. It will be like last night…” and on and on with this dramatic performance. Suddenly we were the centre of attention and didn’t know what to do. We just finished up really quickly and left.

What made the whole thing gobsmackingly surprising was that I doubt that he had ever seen either of us drunk and his mother would normally drink 2-3 glasses of wine a week, tops. He had no real reason for doing it, “I was just fooling” but once away from the scene his mother and I thought it was hysterical.

I found him when he was 8 at the back fence wearing gardening gloves holding his dead rigor mortised rabbit above his head doing a kind of Punch and Judy show along the top of the fence. He was chatting away, “Mr Bunny goes hop hop hop and then disappears,” with appropriate actions. A group of little kids in the neighbours yard were watching in open mouthed amazement.

Funnily enough the rabbit was the only pet who’s death didn’t distress him. He just found the body and put it to use.

Suezeekay and Dangermom, Mr. Congo’s brother did that to his sister. He wrote her name on the wall. The only problem was that it was in cursive and about a foot above her reach.

Just recently though, the same sister’s son made her (and us when we heard about it) crack up. She had taken him out for lunch. He’s 4 but very short. His 2 year old cousin is taller than he is. So, he looks about 2. Anyway, they’re sitting at the table and the waitress is just bringing out their food when Jacob lets fly this magnificent belch. He stood up on the bench, spread his arms wide and says in a loud voice, “Excuse me eveyone, for I have belched”. He then sat back down and started eating. All the other patrons were startled by what he said they all just started laughing.

This kid is so cute and overly dramatic. This same day, his mother was putting the finishing touches on the remodel to his bedroom. The two of us had spent two days painting and his furniture had just been delivered. Because of this, he hadn’t been able to sleep or play in there. After his mom finished setting up the furniture, she let him in the room. She asked him how he liked it. He just threw himself his new bed and said, “It’s great, and it should be after all I’ve endured.”

When the GrizzCub was two (last year), he was playing in our bedroom with GrizzWife and I present.
GrizzCub was clunking along in a pair of mommy’s shoes.
He stopped and pulled one of the insoles out of her shoes and blew his nose on it.
:eek: :confused:

I mean really…how DO you respond to that?!

When my now 6-year-old daughter, Meghan, was about 3 years old, I took her to the Library. We got in the elevator to go upstairs and a woman got on with us. She was middle-aged and had a LOT of makeup on her face. Just as the elevator door closed, my daughter looked up at me and said “She looks just like a clown, dad!”. We only went up one flight, but that was the longest elevator ride in my life.

My son Jason, who is now 9 has done a few amusing things.

When he was two he woke me up at 2 in the morning with a bucket of peanut butter in one hand, a loaf of bread in the other and a jar of jelly tucked in his arm saying “peanut butter a jelly”. I can just imagine him, getting up, going to the fridge, getting everything out and dragging it into my beroom.

When he was five, my parents took him and my daughter out to dinner. My daughter told them about this girl in his class. When they asked him if she was his girlfriend, he replied, “No, she’s just my friend. I don’t want to have sex with her.”

My littlest one is three and a bit, and comes out with good stuff regularly.

Last week he was really angry with me for something (can’t remember what!) so he yelled “You’re stupid!” I agreed that I probably am. Not the response he wanted, so then he yelled “I hate you!” and I told him that right now I wasn’t that keen on him, either. At that point he burst into angry, frustrated tears, and searching for the very worst possible insult yelled, “You, you… you’re NOT A PRINCESS!”

And when he wanted to put all his Legos in my glass fronted cabinet (the only place in the house that is off-limits, I hasten to add) and I told him he wasn’t to, he insisted that the Legos were his “treasure”. He persisted in banging the doors open until I had to say if he went near the cabinet again I would smack his bottom. At that, he burst into angry heart-broken sobs and said “But I’m a pirate, and YOU DON’T SMACK PIRATES!”

And the funniest for me today, I spoke to him in Japanese (we live in Japan and his Dad is Japanese) and he just said “What?” I repeated it, and he said “What?” again, so I said my piece in English, and then he understood it. So I said to him, "When you go to your new kindergarten, everything will be in Japanese and you’ll have to speak Japanese then. " He thought for a minute and then came out with a string of absolute gibberish with a heavy Japanese accent. Then he stopped, smiled at me proudly and said “I can talk kanji!” (Kanji is the written characters, not the language.)

While walking through the lingerie department, my son saw a poster of a model wearing a pair of panties (nothing else, she had her arms crossed over her chest.) He loudly stated, “that’s a bad girl! She needs to put a bra on those nipples!” I cracked up and so did an older lady.