I always heard this with “and save matches” added on.
I also heard “He runs faster than a striped-ass ape”
We will never let my mother live down the time we got reprimanded for setting the table gasp without napkins… and she yelled “What, were you raised by BARBARIANS?”
We called her Conan for quite a while after that.
Well, they’re both well-known for masturbating like a motherf*ck.
Breaking with the exclamation theme of the thread so far: My mother picked up from my stepfather the colloquial positively-phrased usage of “any more” (along with the implied one-word pronunciation).
As in:
“Gasoline is just so expensive anymore.”
She didn’t say it before she met my stepfather. She doesn’t say it as much as she used to. It still drives me up a wall. In a nice way, of course. 
After my Dad came out of heart surgery last year, the first words out of his mouth were,
“I’m so hungry, I could eat the north end of a duck flying south.”
It took us about 30 seconds to realize what he said.
My mom is exactly the same. She’s Japanese, been in the States for 30+ years, but still has a lot of quirks.
Instead of “folding clothes,” she says “bending clothes.” She also pronounces Home Depot as “Home Doo-po” and “jury duty” ends up rhyming as “judy doody.” I normally don’t laugh at English-language learners, but my mom’s quirks are just so damn cute.
Well, my folks didn’t say too much that was really unusual, although my dad would let loose with an “Uff-Da” every so often. (Not such a big deal to me now, as I live in Wisconsin - much different growing up in N.C.)
Funnier, though, is my friend Justin’s* mother - she won’t swear to save her life, so she randomly substitutes innocuous phrases. My personal favorite? Instead of ‘shut the f*ck up’ she will scream (literally) ‘shut the front door!’ Over and over again, at times. Priceless…
P
My mother, trying to explain that they had joined the Last Minute Club for half price airline tickets explained to myself and a group of our friends that she and Dad “had joined the Half-Minute Club last night”. Still good for a laugh.
My in-laws always say “Bysey-bye”. If one fails to say it the other will always step in and fill the void.
My dad doesn’t have any homey expressions or anything, but he does call anyone who disagrees with him a facist. Does that count?
It’s a good thing she hasn’t read this over my shoulder. Wouldn’t want to give her any ideas.
Even though they turned it into a Gas America about 20 years ago, my dad still calls it the Crystal Flash. haha. My brothers used to think that was so funny.
My favorite expression from my dad occured just prior to me going to a rock concert as a teenager. My dad yells out “You stay out of those Lamaze pits!”
That would definitely be more scary than a mosh pit! :smack:
My father-in-law used to yell after my wife when she had misbehaved as a child, “I’m gonna grab you by the seat of your pants and drop kick you to the moon!” His other favorite involved him shaking his finger at the cat, Jen, a tomato that just fell out of his arms, “OOOOhhhh you make me mad!”
Oh sure, but there are nowhere near as many cows here as where I’m from, originally. The farm where my dad grew up had pigs, hence his choice of animal in that saying.
I just remembered one from my mom. “I’m so hungry, I could eat the ass-end off a dead skunk.” I think she got it from dad, though.
“I’ll snap my foot off in your butt!!” and “I’ll wear your ass for a hat!!” were two common dad-isms growing up.
Mom used to refer to large gatherings of relations as “the whole fam damnily”.
My late grandmother was a devout Methodist. She was also a saint, who never, in all the time I knew her (30+ years) spoke badly about anyone nor uttered a curse word. If she ever heard of something she just couldn’t believe, she’d say “Well, I hope I may never.”
My other grandmother, on the other hand, drank PBR, smoked packs of Pall Malls a day, and cursed like a sailor. She liked to cheat at cards, would get down in the floor with you and play games (even as an old woman), and called all Republicans “god damned kooks.” Her favorite saying (said in a long drawn out manner with a smile on her face) was “Awwwwwww shit.” That meant she was supremely pleased with you or herself. “Awwwwwwww shit…I had the ace the whole time!”
Of course you had it…you’ve been holding it in your lap for the past three hands, you cheater.
I miss both them terribly.
My mom has a habit of getting words mixed up. She once referred to Imelda Marcos as “Marcus Imelda”, and misquoted “A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far Far Away” as “Long, Long ago in a Time, Time Afar”.
Back when I was growing up, whenever my sister or I would point out how cute the cats were, my dad would say “cute as a presto log”.
In general, my dad’s a very funny and quick-witted guy. We were in Maui a few years ago doing the bike-down-the-volcano thing, and on the ride up the volcano, we were discussing why we were supposed to wear bright blue and yellow winbreakers (for maximum visibility). My dad asked if they came in other, more obscure colors. The guide said that if they did, they wouldn’t work as well, and you might end up dead. So my dad said “well, then, I guess you could rest in puce”.
Damn that sounds like a Bushism.
My dad also says whole famn damily, and he warshes stuff.
‘cold as a witches tit’ was one of his favorites too, before mom made him stop saying that one, sometime before I turned 10.
My father used to talk about certain foods “souring on his stomach.” I never had a fvcking idea what that meant. Years after he died, I asked other family members. Guess what? They didn’t know either.
When I was about five or six, one night at the dinner table my dad told my older brother with a sly grin that before he could leave the table he had to “eat every bean and beet on his plate.” My mother and brother laughed at the play on words and this became a family joke and my dad said it everytime we had beets for dinner. I never understood why it was funny, but I didn’t want to feel left out so I would always laugh too. Later that year while having Thanksgiving dinner at my dad’s boss’s house there was a lull in the conversation. I had a desire to say something funny and I remembered how funny it was to make jokes about eating vegetables. Since I never got the joke in the first place, it is no wonder I got it wrong. What I proclaimed loudly at the Thanksgiving dinner was that “at our house we always eat every beet and pea on our plates before we leave the table.”