Funny Things You've Seen On Airplanes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

About ten years ago we were flying on a Southwest flight from Providence, RI to Houston. About an hour or so into the flight, there seemed to be a flurry of activity going on near the rear of the plane. After a few moments, one of the flight attendants made an announcement on the intercom asking if there was a physician on the flight. :eek:

As it turns out, there was a physician on the flight, who headed aft to check on a man who was apparently having a heart attack. The physician told the flight attendants that the man needed to be on the ground and in a hospital instantly, if not sooner.

A moment or so later, the Captain came on the intercom and told us that we would be making an unscheduled stop in Memphis due to a medical emergency. At that point, the pilots basically pointed the plane at the ground. The only thing holding us in our seats were our seatbelts. Less than ten minutes after the announcement, we landed. I have never experienced a descent and landing that fast in my life.

As we rapidly taxied to the terminal, we could see flashing emergency vehicle lights through the windows. We came to a stop, and these two emergency personnel came running on the plane. These guys were apparently ready for everything. Both had badges, latex gloves on, medical kits…and semi-automatic pistols holstered on their hips. The patient was strapped onto a gurney and hustled off the plane, followed by his wife.

After the patient and his wife left, the pilot told us we would be departing as soon as they located the couple’s luggage in the baggage hold. Moments later, we took off again for Houston. Total turnaround time was less than 30 minutes.

The whole thing was almost surreal.

42

That’s Southwest for you. Nothing gets in the way of their turnaround time. That’s why I love them!

43

Hrm…The funniest thing I never saw was the look that must have been on my face when the 4-seater I was in, with my mom’s husband up front taking his test for his private license, went straight up for a while and then suddenly lost power, spiralling down; my feet were flat against the pilot’s seat and I was standing up as we spiralled down.

The look on my face as both folks up front start cracking up as they pull out of the spin would probably have landed me in jail for a double-homicide. I love flying but had no idea that pulling out of a stall is a very typical maneouver, and one required for the test.

Grrrr…

44

Back in the 80s, I did a LOT of international traveling. My preferred route was Continental from Houston to LAX, then JAL to Singapore via Honolulu and Tokyo.

On one trip, we had a woman who got on in Hono going to Tokyo. She apparently had never flown and was apparently nervous. Nervous enough to start praying - loudly. And her prayer was simple: 'OH GOD PLEASE DON’T LET US CRASH!" Over and over and over and over until people were yelling at her to shut up. Finally somebody got her to take a Valium or something and she slept the rest of the flight. Unfortunately, she woke up with enough lead time to pray us into Hono.

That was one of the most unpleasant trips I have ever had.

45

There used to be an airline in Indonesia called Zamrud, I believe. They were forever going out of business and then reappearing again a few months later.

It’s an island nation, and there are lots of short flights on small planes, as a result.

This airline was especially accommodating, in that, as the plane reached altitude the pilot would come on and they would take a vote, by show of hands, on the flight path. Over the islands? Over the water? Who wants to see the volcano? It was kind of fun. It was freaking hilarious to see the looks on the faces of unfamiliar fliers. WTF?:eek::eek::eek:

On just such a short hopper flight, also in Indonesia, we boarded a small plane. All the while I was pointing out where there were things, on the body, held with tape or tied with string, but my husband was undeterred. Once in cabin, the first two rows of seats had been removed and there was everyone’s luggage, precariously stacked and tied with what appeared to be mere butcher’s twine.

I’m something of a nervous flier and my hubby spends his time mostly allaying my fears and moving me along so I don’t have time to fixate on anything. But geez, what the heck was this? And there was no distracting me from it, we were sitting right beside it. (I came to understand, later, that often the cargo hold is full of air freight to help make more money!).

We begin taxing just as I’m bringing my, ‘what the hell can this mean’, act to a fevered pitch. Hubby is dancing as fast as he can trying to distract me from a scary ride in a frightfully small plane, nothing but bad omens as far as they eye can see.

As the nose starts to lift the badly stowed luggage begins to shift and the cockpit door swings open to reveal two pilots desperately pulling up on the controls. The latch to the cockpit door was broken and it flopped about through the flight, as did the luggage. We did, however arrive safely, though a tad shaken up at our destination, on time. Sure, I can laugh now, but I white knuckled it through that whole flight.

46

Story number 1: I worked for a time on a drilling site operated by Texaco in the Peten basin in Guatemala. Crews and equipment were flown to and from the site in a bright yellow Pilatus Turbo-Porter piloted by a huge, bearded dude who carried a .45 on his hip, like something out of an Indiana Jones movie. One time, I was the only person coming back from the rig, so he invited me to sit in the right-hand cockpit seat. The flight was uneventful until we turned onto finals at G-City, when all of a sudden a white Cessna appeared out of nowhere, a few hundred yards ahead of us. I said to the pilot, “He’s cutting it pretty close, isn’t he?” The pilot says, “Oh, that’s just my brother. He does that all the time.”

Story number 2: I used to fly a lot Philly-Atlanta-Houston on Air Tran. At the time, their fleet consisted mainly of a bunch of DC-9s that had clearly seen better days. The interiors were particularly worn-looking and shabby. As I settled into my seat for one flight, a couple of middle-aged African American ladies got aboard and sat down across the aisle. The one nearest me took a long look around, turned to her seat mate, and said “Man, this plane is ghetto.” I had to agree.

47

Me, strapped into my seat, sitting on the runway, as the Cessna taxied. (When the plane began to move, my seat – with me in it – slid back on the rails, and popped out of the side door.)

48

Winner! :stuck_out_tongue:

49

I did one myself, about 10 years ago, though not quite on the plane yet.

I was part of a crew of computer programmers traveling around to various company distribution centers, installing new systems prior to Y2K. We’d been flying nearly every week, to & from airports like Chicago, Atlanta, St. Louis, Cincinnati, etc.

This time, we were flying home from Bismark, North Dakota. Check in was at a counter, then you went up an escalator to the level where the gates were. I happened to be the first of our group in line. I checked in, turned over my bags, and headed up the escalator. But partway up, I realized I didn’t know which gate our plane would be loading at. So I turned around, and yelled to the clerk at the counter “which gate is this flight at?” She looked at me a bit, than said, deadpan: “the left one. It’s the one with an airplane parked there.” When I got to the top of the escalator, I realized that the Bismark North Dakota airport was not quite like Chicago or Atlanta – the waiting area was a large room, with one gate on the left side and one on the right.

My group didn’t let me live that down for the rest of the year.

50

FA to the woman in front of me: “Ma’am would you like a mixed drink?”
Woman: Are you serious? We’re allowed to drink on planes?
FA: Yes.
Woman: Seriously?
FA: Yes, seriously.
Woman: Awesome. I’ll take a strawberry daiquiri.

51

Both my parents had pilots licenses since before us kids were born, and I was actually brought home from the hospital in the plane [only time I ever got motion sick, and in my defense it was because Mom had just fed me and we hit turbulence just as she was burping me … ] so I am very accustomed to small plane aerobatics from a very young age.

In my late teens I dated a guy who’s father was ex airforce and a favorite thing to do to girlfriends and prospective girlfriends was to take them up on a ‘sightseeing flight’ and scare the hell out of them. Didn’t work on me, as I giggled and asked them to ‘do it again, that was fun!’ :smiley:

I would love to get a pilots license, but alas my window of opportunity has slammed firmly shut as my damnable blood pressure issue is a firm downcheck. :frowning:

52

Gosh - Where to begin …

As a pilot I didn’t see nearly as many funny things as the F/As did. But I had a few.
Flights *to *Vegas were usually rowdy parties; flights *from *Vegas were usually quiet communal hangovers. Going to, I had one topless dancer who started working the crowd, handing out busines cards which were also admission passes to the joint where she performed. That was out of line, but not a crisis.

When she gave a (fully clothed, but full-on effort) lap dance to the guy in the first row of coach so everybody could see how good her moves were, well, that’s when we had to stop the party.
This was pre-9/11 and the Captain was expected to go back there, hand down the Law, and get compliance from the customer. If not, we’d divert someplace and ask the police to handle it. As I laid it out to one very drunk but otherwise probably harmless business guy “You can spend tonight in the Las Vegas Hilton or the Denver jail. Which will it be?” He chose the Hilton. I’ve had a couple that chose Denver.
Not going to/from Vegas, I’ve also had a real estate agent start walking the aisles handing out business cards. After about 4 rows the crowd caught on and we had to prevent a lynching rather than ask her to stop pestering our customers.
I used to fly a non-stop from the midwest to Cancun. In the dead of winter that was also quite a party flight.

The route runs right down the Missisippi river to New Orleans, then we just head straight out over the Gulf for about 2-1/2 hours overwater. Then we make landfall about a minute before touchdown.

So approaching New Orleans I make my usual PA like “Coming up on the left is New Orleans, and right after that we’ll be over the Gulf of Mexico. At the next sight of land we’ll be in waaarm, suuunnyyy Cancuuuunnn.” It had been snowing like hell when we left.

As I unkey the PA I hear some guy shout “Cancun!??? I’m going to Des Moines”. Hint: no you’re not. This was on a 727 and even if that guy was in the first row of first class he had to have shouted pretty damn loud for me to have heard him.

The schedule has us landing there, hanging around the airport for ~3 hours, then flying back. We normally got some food, checked out the tourist trinket shops in the terminal, and bought some duty free booze to bring home (unopened). The Des Moines guy got to spend the 3 hours in a holding cell belonging to Mexican immigration. Then he rode back with us.

It hadn’t quit snowing up North yet & the last flight to Des Moines had been cancelled by the time we got back. So he got to spend the night in the airport.

Funny to watch, probably not funny to have been him.
Then there was this … Any mile high club members? Advice needed. - #12 by LSLGuy - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board
Aaahh, the Good Old Days.

53

Well it wouldn’t be the first time. Southwest has pilots that have a little fun with the crew and passengers. I was flying them to Columbus and the pilot got on to say “Folks Welcome to flight XXX with non-stop service to Orlando.” A few people get a mortified look on their face and then he came on and said, “Just kidding folks, I guess I only wish I could be going to Orlando, we’re headed to Columbus.” Then at the end of the flight, he made a fake marriage proposal to the flight attendant.

And I did fall asleep on a flight to Washington only to arrive in Boston. While I was out cold, the plane flew to DC and the pilot judged that landing was impossible due to fog and continued on to Boston.

54

The first time I took my mother flying she had declared the departure not possible. I had positioned the plane (a Piper Cherokee) on the Runway waiting for clearance to take off. After setting the flaps I asked if her seat belt was secured tightly. She said yes but we couldn’t depart yet because the parking brake was still on. It took me a second for this to sink in because I had already released it. Cherokee flaps are mechanically operated by a handle between the 2 front seats.

55

This would be funny.

56

I used to pull that schtick in the jetway.

There’d be the usual herd jammed up in the jetway trying to get aboard. I’d slip down the side, get to the rotunda, put on my “Good Morning, Class!” face and voice, face the crowd & say something like “Well, is *everybody *ready to go to Pittsburgh?”. Looks of horror all around. “OK, where *do *you all want to go?” A few would say “Albuquerque” or wherever we were really going. “OK then, Albuquerque it is. They’re all the same to me.” and then I’d slip through the door and disappear up front.
One of the funny things only pilots get to experience is when some other pilot makes a PA announcement over the radio. ATC radio is all business 99.9% of the time. And most pilots talk pretty fast over it. A lot of info is crammed into each minute.

So you’re driving along doing your thing and suddenly the airwaves are blasted with “Howdy everybody, this is Captain Bob welcoming ya’all on board ABC Airlines. It’s a great day to fly to Dallas and the weather there is warm and sunny … Blah, blah, interminable f***ing blah. … Thanks for flying ABC.”

Most times the goof-up only gets a phrase or two into it before the other pilot in that flight notices something sounds wrong and shushes the talker. But once in awhile we get to hear the whole spiel. Comedy gold.

There’s usually some comeback from some anonymous voice out there, like “What was that temp in Dallas again?” Or just applause.

I once heard the controller respond with “Captain Bob, turn left heading 320, contact Center on 123.45” which was a perfect juxtaposition of “hey you clown” and “let’s all get back to work”.

57

One time, returning from Europe in the 1980’s, upon landing, the art student tour group I was traveling with broke into a rendion of GOD BLESS AMERICA’s chorus .

We weren’t a singing group, just art students.

58

I’m one of those who rarely finds anything funny airport related. :scowl:

However, I boarded a flight in St. Louis behind four old people who apparently haven’t flown since 1974, given their reactions to TSA. They had big old bottles of shampoo and conditioner in their pastel Samsonite, kept on going through the detector with their shoes/belts/etc on, and were a perfect example of What Not To Do at the TSA. Listening to their increasing confusion and indignation was pretty funny. Fortunately it was slow and nobody seemed in any hurry, so not much negative emotional energy was generated.

59

Linky no worky.

60

It wasn’t a commercial airplane, but it was funny (even if I didn’t hear the full story until many years later).

My dad goes through hobby phases, and at the time of the story- August 2001- he was into airplanes. Dad and Uncle shared an A-36 Bonanza, and every once in in a while they’d take it out for a joyride.

This particular trip he took my brother and I on a fly-over along the Hudson. He even had us at the wheel as co-pilots at one point. (I didn’t know that the wheels were connected and that Dad was really in charge the whole time; I was freaking out at the idea of my eight-year-old brother being the one thing between us and the ground). It was pretty cool, and we got to see all the bridges and the Statue of Liberty and the Twin Towers.

Afterwards, my father helped Brother draw a map of the river and bridges. Brother was very proud of it.

So Brother brought his map into school, and showed it to all his friends, and told them about how he had piloted his dad’s airplane.

Later on, my mother was at a school conference, and the teacher said, “You know, your son has quite a remarkable imagination. He made up this whole story about flying in his father’s airplane…” :slight_smile:

…

What was not so funny was when my dad decided to fly a month later, early on a lovely September Tuesday… ominous music